Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Still haven't found what they're looking for..

I don't get this Google indexing thing.

I mean, for ages I got loads of hits from hapless people looking for all manner of weird and wonderful things (I like to think there's more of the wonderful and less of the weird on here, but I know I'm only fooling myself). For the last two or three months there's been a real drought and now, for some reason, the random Googlers are back with a vengeance.

Here, for your boredom delight, are some of my favouritist from recently. I've taken the time and trouble to link you through to whichever post* these poor people ended up at, in order that you might appreciate secondhand the confusion and/or vague sense of disgust and pity they must have felt on arriving at the Chime Bar. Please, enjoy. Or click off somewhere else. Whatever.

In no particular order (grammar and punctuation model's own):

  • Worlds smallest lady giving birth Um. On the one hand, that's sort of a horrible thing to be searching for. On the other hand....
  • Dog the Bounty Hunter hair extensions Oh dear. Sadly (or thankfully, depending on your point of view) I suspect that Dog's hair is Not Available In Any Shops. I think it probably comes from a catalogue. Or a bin. Or a morgue. Or something.
  • Noel Edmonds kills elephant Sadly, there's not a shred of truth in this. I would personally prefer the rumour to read the other way round, but then I am pathetically afraid of Noel's eerily tidy beard. Maybe that's why the elephants stay away. Who knows?
  • Trampoline reparation Do you know, I'm so pathetic that I got through fifteen pages of Google searches before giving up on this one. I did write a post about next door's trampoline though, and know in my heart of hearts that there is No Such Thing as trampoline reparation apart from building a giant, roaring pyre and sacrificing both trampoline and irritating neighbour-child who spies on you intermittently over your garden fence on it. In my opinion.
  • Do a poo ladies Number one, this just links back to another post I did about search engine queries and number two (yes, I put this one in just to be able to write that), stop googling poo, citizens of teh internets. It's wrong, and disturbing. Brr.
  • Ray Mears bastard Not much to add to that, really. Oh, apart from "utter".
  • Girls toenail smell Made only slightly odder by the person searching this being from the Islamic Republic of Iran. I do not want to end up in Guantanamo Bay. Please.
  • Ed stewpot stewart marriage No!! Say it isn't so!!

And that, apart from all the people trying to find out if the Frosties boy is dead (I wish), or whether one or more or all of the Pussycat Dolls used to have/still have cocks (as yet unproven), is that. Mainly because I am tired and my eyes hurt and all I can taste is hummous and I might just go and have another glass of wine.


*Is there no end** to my narcissism?

** No.


Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

90% of mine are looking for Sarah Beeny's tits. I didn't even write about them: I have never seen her or them. I am not interested. It was some bastard who wrote about them in the comments box.
I hope this does not mean that you will start getting lots of perverts looking for Sarah Beeny's tits now. That would be a pity.

25 April, 2007 22:08  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful. Say: He, Allah, is One Allah is He on Whom all depend. He begets not, nor is He begotten. And none is like Him.

25 April, 2007 22:48  
Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

Fuck me, Davut, that is what I meant to say.

26 April, 2007 00:52  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

I'm on suicide watch now that I've found out that Ed "Stewpot" Stewart is married. I've been saving myself for him. Thanks a lot.

More importantly, how did Davut get here??

26 April, 2007 10:49  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

Ooh, i didn't know about the Pussycat Dolls and their cocks (or not.. ). Your site proves to be most informative.

by the way - i got here by searching for Sarah Beeny's tits.

26 April, 2007 15:01  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Sarah Beeny's tits seem quite popular, not sure what the fascination is myself ;)

26 April, 2007 15:16  
Blogger violetforthemoment chimed in with...

I got someone Googling for "cock sucked through letterbox" the other day. I certainly haven't written anything about that, Postman Porn.

26 April, 2007 20:07  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

as i've said before, i am too scared to see who's been googling what and finding my place.
really, really scared.

26 April, 2007 21:15  
Blogger Billy chimed in with...

Wow, Islamic spam. I am impressed!

30 April, 2007 12:26  
Blogger DavetheF chimed in with...

Thanks. I laughed so much my flu symptoms were sucked up into my skull and evaporated .. for a few minutes.

01 May, 2007 18:52  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

I get 'Kaplinsky nylon stockings' quite alot and 'cameltoe lycra' the other day!

01 May, 2007 23:16  
Blogger clodhopper chimed in with...

can someone tell me how you check what search words leads someone to a site? *squirms*

04 May, 2007 10:36  
Blogger khlari chimed in with...

One...I didn't google you! I came here via Howard then The Swearing Lady in a straighforward roundabout fashion not involving poo.

I mentioned penguins in one of my post and was suddenly getting 1000 readers a day looking for various penguin perversions....

13 June, 2007 14:47  

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