Sunday, April 23, 2006

I never said I was normal

You lucky, lucky people.

Because we now have broadband, which means that I can now upload pictures in less than the thirty minutes it used to take me on my 31 kbps dialup, I can torture you with a journey through Strange Looking Men I Have Had Crushes On. This post was already mooching about in the back of my mind, and following my shock admission on Wyndham's comments, and the discussion on the comments over at Spinny's place that degenerated into "which Blackadder would you shag?", I've decided to come clean. If you're of a nervous disposition, or are eating, you might want to click away now. For the braver among you, join me now as we explore the darker recesses of my psyche.

1. Ed "Stewpot" Stewart

Ah, the late seventies. Fashion wasteland, TV graveyard and scene of my first celebrity crush. Those of you around my age will remember the tagline "It's Friday, it's five to five, and it's Crackerjack!". Cue half an hour or so of hyperventilating schoolchildren, Bernie Clifton and his comedy ostrich, Crackerjack pencil and pen sets and the dreamy hosting style of our Stewpot. I was only about six or seven, yet would sit transfixed as the over-coiffed, beige-clad emcee guided boy scouts through games that involved plunging their faces into blancmange and then rice krispies to retrieve something-or-other (with predictably hilarious results), thrust cabbages on hapless contestants in the gladiatorial arena of Double or Drop, and just plain exuded something that I didn't understand, but that spoke to my soul*. See also (briefly) Tony Blackburn, who I used to listen to on my black transistor radio on Saturday mornings, and who played "The Piper" by Abba for me on my eighth birthday. True, I'd written in with my own request, and he didn't read out my joke, but I loved him anyway.

2. Bernard Bresslaw

As I said over at Wyndham's, what's not to love? Cheeky, gormless Bernard was a stalwart of the Carry On films. Carry On films are of course crap, but the British love them anyway. Somehow the combination of godforsaken, rainsoaked sets, Barbra Windsor's tits, some deeply, deeply suspicious "comedy" and Sid James' gravelly, filthy laugh conspired to engrave itself in the heart of the nation. Or something. Anyway, about five years ago, I suddenly realised that Bernard Bresslaw was hot. We'll say no more about it. Let's just move along, shall we? There's nothing to see here. Except Bernard the Hottie. Oh, alright. You can gaze at him for a little while longer. Mmmmmmm....


3. Michael Palin

Whether he's trekking the Sahara, going around the world in eighty days, or simply leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia, Michael's the man for me. In everything he's been in since Monty Python (and especially in the Holy Grail), he's been the epitome of older totty. Articulate, funny, avuncular - somehow I can't quite reconcile what everyone else sees with my secret fantasy of a four-way with him, John Cleese and Eric Idle. While Terry Jones watches, dressed as a woman.


Moving on....

4. John Goodman

I'm not sure what first attracted me to John Goodman. Was it his effortless portrayal of an overweight, henpecked Midwest family man? His mastery of the comic genre with the triumph that was "The Flinstones"? Maybe it was his piano-playing and the way he studiously ignored the complete absence of plot in "King Ralph". Whatever. All I know is that, when it comes to the sort of man I'd like to drink beer in a biker bar with, before heading back to his tenement apartment to make dark, awkward love among the cockroaches and dirty plates, John Goodman is at the top of my list. Oh. Along with number five, that is. Not that I'd do them both together or anything. One at a time would work. On separate occasions, obviously. What do you think I am? Some sort of slut, or something?

5. Jason Lee. But only as Earl Hickey

I've tried to understand what makes Jason Lee so sexy when he's playing a badly dressed, balding trailer-park loser with a handlebar mustache. I have failed. I mean, on the surface there is nothing to like. Lumberjack shirts? Timberlands? Stonewashed jeans? No thank you. But somehow, it all combines to make Earl the sexiest loser on the planet. And it's not even him, per se. I've gone back and watched Almost Famous, which features Mr Lee as a member of fictional band Stillwater, with the sort of long haired seventies guitar hero looks that would ordinarily have me drooling. And here's the thing - not a flicker. Not even remotely attractive. But as Earl? I so would.

And so would you, ladies (and pooves). Don't try and deny it.

6. Martin Clunes

Jug-eared, big-faced and a little bit sinister-looking, he may not be the obvious choice. But believe me, he is hot. About three series into Men Behaving Badly I suddenly realised that I didn't fancy Neil Morrisey any more - no, Martin Clunes was The One.

I'd still do him as well. Even taking Doc Martin into consideration. I'm not fickle, me.

7. Jack Black

One word: Sexy.


Don't try and dissuade me on this one - the lady's not for turning. I can't justify it so I'm not even going to try. This short, fat, frog-faced little man is the best kept hot secret in Hollywood.

Watch School of Rock and tell me I'm wrong. I dare you.

8. Rowan Atkinson. But only as Blackadder series II

Now, I know I'm not alone on this one. It's probably the hardest one of all to deconstruct, because anyone who has seen Mr Bean knows that Rowan Atkinson is emphatically not knicker-dampeningly attractive. But put the man in tights, a codpiece and a ruff, add a beard that would have Noel Edmonds weeping in futile envy and bang! Sex on legs. Maybe it's his insouciant, arrogant air. Maybe it's the chemistry between him and Queenie. Maybe it is the tights. Whatever it is, it bloody well works. Woof!

So, there we have it. Eight members of a cast of, well, loads. Except I couldn't be arsed to upload any more pictures. Those not pictured here include Bill Oddie, Terry Scott (but only in Terry and June) Sergeant Cryer off of The Bill, Gene Wilder, David Essex and Barry Manilow. The human mind is a strange and oft-disturbing place, and for the sake of all your sanity, I think we'll leave it there.

Don't have nightmares.

* I may have overstated this slightly.


Blogger Geoff chimed in with...

David Essex?

23 April, 2006 20:17  
Blogger Arabella chimed in with...

Oh dear, oh dear. It isn't Bernard Bresslaw so much as Terry Scott. Really, are you sure about that? Well, vive la difference.
As far as bald pates go then Roy Marsden as Adam Dalgleish is the one for me.
My teen crush was Terry Collier in The Likely Lads and my current crush is Philip Seymour Hoffman (hands off that big tummy, I spotted him years ago).
Willing to fight you for Jack Black.

23 April, 2006 20:18  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Blackadder II - Yes

Michael Palin - Of course. Who doesn't love Michael Palin?

Jack Black - yes, but only if he loses a few pounds...

The rest?

Bernard Bresslaw? Terry Scott? Surly, you are absolutely fucking deranged.

23 April, 2006 20:41  
Anonymous The Girl Behind the Partition chimed in with...

I'm sorry Surly Girl but I can top that lot for weirdness and general depravity in two words. Noel Edmonds! And we all know I could have him like that ( clicks her fingers ). Deal or No Deal? I'd deal everytime baby!

Oh and Phillip Schofield, and Rory Bremnar, and Tony Knowles the snooker player and Paul Merton and Julian Hollaway in Carry On Up the Kyber....oh God, I'm no better than you.

23 April, 2006 21:20  
Blogger belladona chimed in with...

Oh dear dear me. Obviously this doesn't include Blackadder II who I would happily molest - though the thought of Mr.Bean does worry me somewhat. Michael Palin is alright too - I don't but I know many who do.
However I have my own mad crushes so I can't really critisize. Lets see...
When I was about 15 I had crushes on both Tony Slattery and Jack Dee (I think I actually stuck pictures of them on my bus pass).
Also Illya Kyurakin (however it was spelt) though I think it was only really his bowl haircut that was embarrassing. Actually I think I may still fancy him.
I may well think of someone like Tom off the good life soon (I didn't fancy him actually), if so I shall come back and confess.

23 April, 2006 21:21  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

All I have to go by is that photo, but I am not getting Martin Clunes at all. Yikes, what a mug. Looks a bit like he's been making out with an industrial vacuum cleaner. Or maybe it's just that shade of lipstick?

23 April, 2006 21:32  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

have just realised i forgot rolf harris (but only in animal hospital).

sorry rolf.

23 April, 2006 21:41  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

i can just about deal with mr palin, although i had him down as more of an uncle figure

but the rest?


23 April, 2006 21:46  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy chimed in with...

You're fucking ill in the head!

*calls for an ambulance*

23 April, 2006 22:01  
Blogger Arabella chimed in with...

Now stop toying with us. Rolf Harris? He makes me very uncomfortable.

23 April, 2006 22:02  
Blogger shiftclick chimed in with...

Congrats on Broadband. Not sure if I should congratulate you on your taste in men... although I do think Jason Lee is sexy, and that's because he's in incredible physical shape.

23 April, 2006 23:36  
Anonymous Stu Savory chimed in with...

When you girls do this sort of photo-blog-of-crushes thing, it counts as psychoanalysis. When we guys do it with shots of hot wimmen it counts as porn :-(

How come? (sic!)

24 April, 2006 06:36  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

But surely you've forgotten to put Dog The Bounty Hunter on that list.

24 April, 2006 08:50  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

I'm now secure in the knowledge that even if I lose what looks I have and pile on the pounds SG will still fancy me if that list is anything to go by !!!

24 April, 2006 08:58  
Blogger the Beep chimed in with...

Ther eis a God. Even us B Bresslaw, Jack Black Terry Scott look-a-likes have hope.
You have to be very careful what you say about B Bresslaw though: if you are too rude to Surly about her impeccable taste you might have me to contend with too. Although you'd be right to be very much more afraid of Surly than me....

24 April, 2006 09:31  
Blogger Perry Neeham chimed in with...

Wow - you have truely appalling taste in men. Looks like I'm still in with a chance then.

24 April, 2006 10:03  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

dog the bounty hunter? are you mental?? credit me with some taste, please..

oh, and can i state for the record that the other half is definitely not physically similar to anyone on this list. see last november's birthday post for his photo (i'd link it but i can't from here).

24 April, 2006 10:28  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

yes i can. here he is.

24 April, 2006 10:34  
Blogger Huw chimed in with...

You have given ugly men the world over hope. But.... You can't just mention Bill Oddie in a throw-away way like that: that sort of thing demands explanation.

24 April, 2006 10:43  
Blogger zanna chimed in with...

I'll give you David Essex, but Gene Wilder? I'm coming to sort you out on thursday!

24 April, 2006 10:58  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

I used to love David Cassidy, John Alderton and Bill Oddie (only in the Goodies) and pretend that the Bay City Rollers actually lived in my doll's house and that Eric (or was it Woody?..or both!) was my boyfriend. Ok I've said it now - that's so much better.

I can see the appeal of Bernard Bresslaw - I liked his gormless voice and he was always nice to the nurses in Carry On Bedpan or whatever it was. That reminds me - I REALLY used to fancy Jim Dale too. Sad sad days. Therapy beckons!

24 April, 2006 10:59  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

Dear God.

The first ever truly convincing case for limiting access to broadband.

24 April, 2006 11:41  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

oh, come on now. no secret embarrassing crushes to relate?

don't believe you.

24 April, 2006 11:54  
Blogger soph chimed in with...

ah, it has all been explained. i never understood before how technically unattractive people can be so successful on television. now i know-its because we all are secretly lusting after them, even if we don't admit it!

24 April, 2006 13:12  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

Oh, if you insist.

Wilfred Hyde-White

24 April, 2006 13:49  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Bill Oddie - yes, only in The Goodies, not as bird-watcher.

Bresslaw and Scott - I think you just have a kinky thing for 60's/70's comedy. I bet you also secretly fancied that dark-haired one from On the Buses (Stan?). What about Robin Asquith? My OH gets all uneccessary when he sees an old strumpet standing in a doorway in a baby-doll nightie in On The Buses (however minging) - do you have a similar fetish for wing collars, bad cordrouy and 70's style hows-yer-father?

Personally, I really fancied Kenny Everett. I wrote to Jim'll Fix It asking to go up in a hot air balloon with him.

Go figure!

24 April, 2006 14:08  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

I also fancy Kelsey Grammar

24 April, 2006 14:09  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

The visceral appeal of the nice, smart goon is undeniable. I march beneath your banner!
You will have to fight my daughter for Palin.
You will have to fight ME for Cleese. Bring it, chickie. I'm American. I'm armed. That fine white (toothless, balding, geriatric expat) ass is MINE.
John Goodman-oh my yes.
Jack Black-hell yeah.
BlackAdderII-yes, yes please.
Even with the Mr. Bean thang. I'd let Teddy watch.

24 April, 2006 15:36  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

On the flipside - are there any men out there that secretly fancied Olive from 'On the Buses'? Come on....your secret is safe with us....

24 April, 2006 17:11  
Blogger Jemima chimed in with...

That was nearly a vanilla-milkshake-sprayed-over-the-keyboard moment. HaHa, there were ROFLs and LOLs a-plenty. Until I saw Jason Lee. There's nothing strange about fancying Jason Lee. He is a lovely. He is a gorgeous. I demand you remove him from this post, Rod Hull would make a suitable replacement, and reposition him in a new post of 'Normal and Attractive Men Surly Fancies'. Go on. Do it now!

I'm off to ponder his performance in Chasing Amy. How normal he is.

24 April, 2006 18:59  
Blogger DavetheF chimed in with...

Well your OH certainly has a touch of the Jack Blacks (although Jack Black was only ever good in High Fidelity) and a smidgen of Blackadder. Bernard Bresslaw. That seems very wrong.

24 April, 2006 19:38  
Blogger Fisigirl chimed in with...

I fancied Tony Robinson as Baldrick. In all of them. And only as Baldrick. Which is a worry.
Apart from that, ladies and gentlemen, I give you.. Alan Titchmarsh!!! :)

24 April, 2006 20:18  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...


and titchmarsh?? thank you, fisigirl. you've just made me look normal!

oh, and jvs? rod hull is the stuff of nightmares. wash your mouth out.

24 April, 2006 20:56  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

Ooh, I could jump off a dolls house!

I don't get it. Except for Michael Palin during the Monty Python films (yes, especially in The Holy Grail).

I always liked Peter Duncan from Blue Peter. And Jeff (can't remember his real name) Colby from Dynasty...

24 April, 2006 21:06  
Anonymous Whinger chimed in with...

Jack Black is just one of the sexiest men alive.

And Jason Lee should be adored by all.

I highly enjoyed these non-traditional crushes.

24 April, 2006 21:24  
Blogger Arabella chimed in with...

Is that the Peter Duncan who was fired from Blue Peter after a porn scandal?

25 April, 2006 05:13  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

No, that was Chris Sundin who subsequently died of an AIDS related illness. See, that explains how I got my Blue Peter facts about my favourite show ever escape !!!

25 April, 2006 09:36  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Peter Duncan was in porn tho', allegedly, hence he himself was named Blue Peter.
Or perhaps that is an urban myth.

25 April, 2006 10:07  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Hang on...we need to go back a bit...Sargeant Cryer off the Bill, Barry Manilow???!!!!!

25 April, 2006 14:12  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

This is great stuff.

I was starting to get a little sad with the first two being Brits i'd never heard of.

John Goodman brought it all home, however.
And who doesn't love Michael Palin? What's not to love there.


25 April, 2006 15:00  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

BlackAdder II- i figured it out.
It's the earring. Thats the cherry on top of that luscious little tart!!!!!
hey surly! you've had work done! i like it bunchloads!

25 April, 2006 15:48  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

Sergeant Cryer off The Bill - I saw him today, looking very hirsute these days. I'm more of a PC Tony Stamp man myself.

25 April, 2006 17:18  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

first nations - i want to be you when i grow up. can i? huh? huh?

sergeant cryer is sexy. barry manilow was when i was small.

there's no accounting for taste, it seems....

25 April, 2006 19:18  
Blogger Zippy chimed in with...

What about Karl Rove? He's sweet and cuddly, though a bit promiscuous considering all the people he's shagged over the years.

25 April, 2006 20:43  
Blogger cartoons! chimed in with...

mmmmm....jack black. i am so there with you on that one.
and rowan atkinson as blackadder srs II.
you are a woman after my own heart! :)

25 April, 2006 20:51  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

annika! hello! *waves* must pop over and see you....

25 April, 2006 21:56  
Blogger mig bardsley chimed in with...

Ooh, Michael Palin. Mmmmm.
But Stewpot? That's weird. Must have been to do with your extreme youth.

26 April, 2006 01:00  

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