Thursday, February 16, 2006

The oldest minger in town

After last night I feel moved to tell you that, to paraphrase Princess Di, there are three of us in this relationship.

According to his website, Dog the Bounty Hunter* is “…undeniably the world’s greatest bounty hunter. His exterior is: rugged and handsome, weathered and tanned, leather and metal. He is muscular, rugged and stoic in his blond, shoulder-length Mohawk – with a single braid interwoven with feathers (a tribute to his Indian heritage). Dog’s bulging bicep is dressed with a bone armband. A shark tooth necklace shows respect for his Hawaiian homeland. He speaks in soundbites, his own lingo of urban-island poetry that has come to be known as ‘Dogisms’.”

Do you know, I couldn’t have put it better myself. Except, perhaps, I could…

Dog the Bounty Hunter is undeniably the world’s most deluded man. His exterior is reminiscent of Michael Bolton after a nuclear holocaust ridden out in an outlaw biker bar. He is pumped up like an overblown lilo, and looks weirdly proud of his (let’s call a spade a spade here) bleached curly mullet-and-flattop combo – with a hair extension clipped onto one side of it like a six-year-old girl at a slumber party (a tribute to his utter lack of self-awareness). Dog’s side-of-beef arm is dressed with a plastic armband he bought at Sturgis three years ago. A shark tooth necklace shows that a man with a predisposition to leather trousers and a mullet probably shouldn’t be allowed to shop for jewellery unsupervised. He speaks in incomprehensible clichés, his own mishmash of cod-philosophy and bad poetry that has come to be known as “Complete Bollocks”.

Dog, his missus (I really don’t have the room to discuss her here), one of his twelve (count ‘em!! Twelve!!) children – Leland (who favours combat trousers and a Steven Seagal pigtail), a man named Wesley and various random spear-carriers spend their time formulating bizarre and complicated plans to hunt and take down aberrant members of society who have, for one reason or another, broken the terms of their bail bonds. Between them they carry enough accessories to start their own branch of Millets – Mrs Dog even has a perfume holster on her utility belt. They roam the streets in a two car convoy, pointlessly talking to each other over their radios: “…so we’re just pulling into the parking lot now”. “I know. We’re in the car behind you”, etc.

The unfortunate targets of Dog’s moral indignation (and, let’s face it, a good source of income for him), in addition to facing time in jail or rehab, also have to run the gauntlet of an amateur psychological analysis before they can escape the Posse (that’s what they call themselves. It’s not a word I’m comfortable with). It’s a harrowing cross between Mad Max and Dr. Phil as felons are invited to explore their souls for the power to change their lives, while Dog and Mrs Dog loom over them like amateur night at the wrestling.

Dsepite all this, as a result of last night’s viewing the Other Half has developed a bit of a man-crush on ol’ Dawg. He even dreamed about him last night. I will be watching him carefully for any sign of an incipient mullet.

Oh, and Dog’s real name? Duane. Doesn’t really have the same ring to it, does it?

* Unbelievably we had never seen this show until last night. Rest assured that it will be Sky-Plussed for all eternity. Please, if you haven't seen it, make a point of doing so. You'll thank me for it. Honest.


Blogger Jemima chimed in with...

Truly terrifying.

16 February, 2006 20:30  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

This is a (highly imaginative and amusing) joke. Right?

"Mrs Dog even has a perfume holster on her utility belt"...don't be silly....

16 February, 2006 20:36  
Anonymous Whinger chimed in with...

I have thus far managed to escape Dog.

I don't know how much longer I can hold out. Maybe after the Olympics....

16 February, 2006 20:37  
Blogger frangelita chimed in with...

Now that is one serious hottie, there just aren't enough bleached blond mullets around. Does it by any chance print his number... *frangelita pants like a rabid dog*

wv- ohroww - Scooby doo is VERY impressed with his new scooby snacks

16 February, 2006 20:39  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

believe me, he is all too real (although it may yet turn out to be an elaborate hoax, i really don't think so). as for the perfume holster, dog's website clarifies that it is in fact for a "rhinestone encrusted hairspray can".

my mistake.

back me up here, someone. i didn't imagine this....did i?

16 February, 2006 21:02  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

Thank you, Surly. I'm so going to be there.

16 February, 2006 21:24  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

Man, oh man, am I ever regretting our decision to NOT get a satellite dish! I bet I could get this great show if I had a satellite dish. Dog sounds H-O-T!

16 February, 2006 22:21  
Blogger Tabby Rabbit chimed in with...

Spot on review, Surly (you should be doing the TV section for a national newspaper). I don't have Sky anymore and so can't watch this now - but in my last house me and my three male flatmates watched it religiously for the piss-take value. Just superb.

17 February, 2006 08:22  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

His profound insights into the world of the criminal mind are truly hilarious and would be even funnier if you didn't know he was being totally serious. Dog and his pack honestly believe all the shit they spout.

It's absorbing, embarassingly funny but equally painful to watch TV...and we are now addicted to the show !

17 February, 2006 09:09  
Blogger the Beep chimed in with...

The Dog is famous in our house.

And her husband, the bounty hunter, is quite well known here too.

I think you should publish a picture of her: the full horror is... well, unbelievable!

17 February, 2006 10:16  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...


although at first glance i thought it was eugene terreblanche

(skyplussed for all eternity? rupert would melt with pride)

17 February, 2006 13:01  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Until I got half way down your post I thought you were writing about your ex!
I'm sooooooo glad he's not.. he looks a 'total tosser', to use a technical term.

Must get me a TV....

17 February, 2006 15:10  
Blogger garfer chimed in with...

He looks like Peter Stringfellow having a bad hair day.

17 February, 2006 15:19  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

I'm almost sad that i have never heard of this, nor have I any idea where to find it.

Sounds absolutely inspiring.

Oh, wait. I meant horrific. But in a truly wondrous way, of course.

17 February, 2006 15:28  
Blogger Gigi chimed in with...

My boyfriend and I broke up because of this show. I shit you not. I gave him the ultimatum: Dog or me.

So, here I am...

17 February, 2006 15:28  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

*crackin up*
never watched it, never will, never never never. i'd rather snort ground glass off the rim of a public toilet. don't do this to yourself if you don't have to, i implore you. there's so many other worthwhile things to do, for example cultivating an addiction to heroin or sucking teflon off your frying pan.

17 February, 2006 15:51  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Gigi...please give us the full explanation as to how this classic show could have caused the break up of a relationship. I mean there are so many heart-wrenching and life affirming stories that it could only make you stronger !

17 February, 2006 15:58  
Blogger spindleshanks chimed in with...

crikey moses. there's a fine figure of a man - and he's really real? not like mr t out of the a team or something? i need to watch me some more tv.

17 February, 2006 17:38  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

Aaaargh! My retinas!

Good grief. There's no way that creature is going to be let loose on my TV.

I've allowed myself to view one crap programme and I've already succumbed to The Poseidon Adventure, as recommended by Wyndham.

17 February, 2006 17:45  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

please SG,do us a favour and post something else. I love to swing by your site but every time I click your link I want to hurl when I catch a glimpse of old Dog there,
thanks so much,

17 February, 2006 18:49  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

P.S. Poseidon Adventure was utterly craptacular so I may give that leathery old crock a go.

Not in that way!

17 February, 2006 23:36  
Blogger Buffy chimed in with...

Dawg scares me. Bad.

18 February, 2006 23:01  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

Umm, I've never seen this, probably never will but on the basis of this one photo alone, I can't help feeling that with a decent haircut and clothes, he wouldn't be unattractive...
Is that so wrong?

19 February, 2006 12:54  
Anonymous belladona chimed in with...

I laughed so much when I got to the OH's man-crush that I coughed and nearly choked.

20 February, 2006 23:02  
Anonymous easy bail bonds chimed in with...

what is his problem??
he's always got some stupid thing up his sleeve. And now the racist slurs and the ridiculous apology. His wife isn't too sane either.These two need to learn to dress appropriately: first of all. Second of all, i would appreciate it if they would just dissappear!

They also really need to watch the things comming out of their mouths!


11 November, 2008 22:33  
Anonymous mel chimed in with...

His "Christian love" and street savy are hysterical. I'm addicted to "Big Daddy" and his smarmy grinning at Beth.

01 January, 2009 05:12  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

I googled "Dog the Bounty Hunter hair" and this was the first link. Thanks for posting this, i truly died laughing. i'm fwding this to my friends. LOL

07 May, 2009 06:29  
Anonymous California bail bonds chimed in with...

The show really has gone downhill.

05 February, 2010 22:52  

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