Monday, January 08, 2007

It's always the quiet ones

Ideas-wise, there’s been a bit of a drought, really.

I’ve started and discarded a number of posts over the last couple of days, ranging from such exciting topics as I Have Not Smoked Any Fags For Nine Days, to I Am Very Fat And Despite Trying To Cut Back I Am Still Getting Fatter. All of it dull, all of it worthy of a nine-year old returning to school after the Christmas break and stretching What I Did In My Holidays to three hundred words with the tactical inclusion of the day when Daddy had a little too much festive cheer and called Mummy a frigid bitch at the dinner table*.

Salvation (for you lot) came in the unlikely form of a hit on these very pages, directed from a search engine enquiry phrased thusly (thus? Like this? Whatever):

Why did Noel Edmonds shoot an elephant?

Blimey.

Why indeed?

Now, in anyone’s book (excluding, of course, anyone who has never heard of the tiny, bouffant host of Britain’s Most Exciting Game Show**), the unexpected bobbing to the surface of Noel Edmonds’ having, at some point, raised a gun in his weeny, child-sized hands and shot an elephant is a moment to savour. Was he on safari? Was he at the zoo? Did he, in a fit of pique at the failure of Noel’s House Party to be commissioned for a further interminable series of squalid public-baiting and minor-celebrity-gunging, ditch plans for buying that new helicopter and have an elephant (or maybe a variety of wildlife; who knows?) shipped to his Devonshire estate in order that he might vent his miniature spleen by slaughtering it? Good lord, faced with these potential scenarios, who wouldn’t do a bit of digging around the internet to see what the skinny was?

Sadly, it isn’t true. No mammoth massacre in LittleNoel’s sordid past. Shame.

It’s not all bad though – I did learn that he once had sex in the back of a Land Rover, and that he once drove a Ford GT40 at 186 mph on the Tring bypass. Naked.

Sources do not state whether his jumper was tossed casually onto the back seat during these manoeuvres or (as is more likely) folded neatly along the agreed and ratified Edmonds’ Creases and placed in a sterile garment bag in the boot.

Christ on a bike. I need to get out more.

* This may or may not be based on a true story from Small Surly Girl’s Bumper Box O’Memories.

** Where “game show” is interchangeable with “middle-aged people doing some guessing”

14 Comments:

Blogger Donna chimed in with...

Christ on a bike? No. Surly on a bike. I saw you this morning I did. I saw your hair and thought - wow that's bright and on second look I thought - that's Surly that is. On a bike. Cycling to job I imagine.

08 January, 2007 16:55  
Blogger Donna chimed in with...

Noel actually looks quite cute on that pic.

08 January, 2007 16:57  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Ask Girl Behind The Partition - she'd know all about Noel and his sordid ways...

08 January, 2007 18:44  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

oh god. do you think it was her in the land rover?

08 January, 2007 18:50  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

No, but he once asked her to go up in his helicopter. She's got photos and everything (they're on the pinboard at work). Ask her, go on, ask her...

08 January, 2007 19:04  
Blogger violetforthemoment chimed in with...

I had no wish to know that Noel Edmonds has had sex. Gah.

08 January, 2007 21:59  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

nice disco hair!
now that is a toy-breed television host.

08 January, 2007 23:59  
Blogger Billy chimed in with...

Noel Edmonds. Naked.

*shudder*

09 January, 2007 08:10  
Blogger Murph chimed in with...

Is that where the "Crinkley Bottom" set was conceived?

09 January, 2007 12:53  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

According to my mother in law, who always reads up on these things, Noel has been putting it about with a number of married women recently,*allegedly*. Possibly in a Land Rover, possibly in some other 4WD type vehicles.

Let's offroad ...

09 January, 2007 13:00  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Ideas-wise, there’s been a bit of a drought

Thank the lord for Noel - isn't he having it away with, like, *all* his contestants?

09 January, 2007 14:20  
Blogger Billy chimed in with...

"isn't he having it away with, like, *all* his contestants?"

I now have a very unpleasant vision of boxes being opened and surprises being found within. A bit like the popcorn trick.

10 January, 2007 08:22  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Hello,

sorry to go off-topic, but iwas eating a lovely chestnut-and-oyster-mushroom risotto that I'd cooked all by myself this evening, when, out of nowhere, I suddenly remembered this post from a million years ago and it made me feel quite ill.

Who'd ahve thought that blogging could be so...effective?

11 January, 2007 19:49  
Anonymous Girl Behind the Partition chimed in with...

Unfortunately it wasn't me in the Land Drover naked with Noel "Tidybeard" Edmonds but had I said "yes" that fateful day back in 1985 it may well have been me. Mind you, if I had the whole course of Saturday night light entertainment TV would have changed!! Forever!!

12 January, 2007 18:05  

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