Friday, December 09, 2005

Urgh.

I was going to post a list of things I really should be doing, but then I got distracted (and more than a little grossed out) by Meegan's tip for a delicious festive snack. From there on in, my morning has degenerated into really horrible story-swapping in our department. It seems that everyone has a poo story to tell, and I can't help wondering what possesses people to share that sort of information.

New Boss recounted the tale of a girl he once knew who felt moved to tell him about the time she did a poo that wouldn't come out properly and she had to call her dad and then have a bath to get rid of it (I'm not clear on her dad's part in the proceedings and didn't feel inclined to ask). This left Lovely Assistant and I pale with horror and at a complete loss as to how best to respond. So I saw his poo story and raised him a tale from when me and two friends were on a day out a few years ago. We were driving along, and Friend 1 was eating a petrol-station-type chicken and mushroom slice. Apropos of this, Friend 2 abruptly blurted "I ate one of those once, and when I did a poo the next day I wiped my bottom and there was a mushroom slice on the paper. Honestly, it was perfect. You couldn't tell I'd eaten it or anything". Without saying a word, Friend 1 wound the window down, pitched the offending snack onto the roadside and, on closing the window, stated clearly that she would never eat one again.

Oh, and I have a colleague who once told seven people in a meeting about the time he did a poo in the sea and it floated and followed him and he couldn't make it go away.

Please accept my abject apologies for this post.

Carry on.

28 Comments:

Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Apparently there was a good one on Scott Mills recently.

Boy and girl have one night stand at boy's. He leaves next morning for work and tells girl to let herself out. Girl does poo that won't flush. Girl ends up putting poo in carrier bag. She leaves note for boy saying what a good time she's had and leaves phone number. Girl leaves flat. Girl gets halfway home and realises she has left the carrier bag next to the note. Girl has no way of getting back into flat. Girl has left phone number with poo.

If I was girl I would have changed my name and left the country.

fqrsed - when you REALLY can't be bothered

09 December, 2005 11:41  
Blogger Homer chimed in with...

Ha. Poor girl.

I once drove from my friend's (tiny, paper-walled flat in) Streatham to Dullsville with "the turd that wouldn't flush" wrapped in plastic and hidden in an ankle boot. And yes, I did wear the boots again.

I usually have to be really drunk to tell that story.

09 December, 2005 12:41  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

I can't think of anything from my own experience (fortunately) but I have a friend who told me that she was so constipated that she didn't want her family to hear her screams from the bathroom. So she did the business in the garden (so most of the street could view and listen as well. Mind you, she wouldn't think of that as she is a nutjob).

09 December, 2005 13:15  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Poo stories are my favourite kind.
I have one about the time I had to keep a poo in a cupboard, hidden from my landlady...

...I'll tell you about it another time if you ask nicely enough.

09 December, 2005 13:42  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

tell me now!

frankly i'm grateful that anyone's commented at all. i thought i'd gone too far this time....

09 December, 2005 14:19  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

OMG-I thought you might have gone too far too but am laughing myself silly over your friends stories. I didn't think anyone could top that post but I see I was naive.

I've had dogs for years, as well as two small children so have many, many poo stories to tell. In the interest of continuing good blog relations I think I'll just keep them to myself. :-)

09 December, 2005 15:44  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Beg harder.

09 December, 2005 15:48  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

pleeeeeease. go on. pleeeeease.

nobody else is sharing. i know they're visiting cos i can see 'em on my stats, but nobody is saying anything!

i've alienated everyone, haven't i?

09 December, 2005 15:52  
Blogger Universal Soldier chimed in with...

Classic - can someone explain to me what it is about women and leaving floaters? Don't think it would bother any of the blokes I know.

09 December, 2005 15:59  
Anonymous Stu chimed in with...

About the floating Poo you couldn't swim away from...
If you have not done so, listen to the Billy Connelly record "The Jobbie Wheecher" :-)

Stu
PS: Remember Shakespeare's Poo story? I think he called it "Richard the Turd" ;-)

09 December, 2005 16:09  
Blogger mig bardsley chimed in with...

Ooh, disgusting, horrible, yuk. I'm still giggling hysterically (with shock, of course).
Plenty of poo memories, but none funny enough to share.
Except maybe a small person, sitting on the potty: much redfaced grunting, final heave and look of relief. Small voice says,"that was a strong one!"

09 December, 2005 16:14  
Blogger Whinger chimed in with...

Hmmmm...attempting to think of a topper, and cannot.

Oh wait! I used to work with two men (boys, really) who would drag each other into the men's room to look at poos that they thought were sculptural or especially long.

Looking back, perhaps there was something more going on in the men's room.

09 December, 2005 16:21  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

oh lord, have just remembered a friend of mine who took a photo of one of hers as it was "so long".

this same friend's father indelibly disturbed my mind. on arriving home from a long trip, friend's mother ran upstairs to do a wee, leaving friend and friend's father to do battle over the downstairs loo. friend's father suggested the frankly horrific and very wrong compromise of friend sitting down to wee and friend's father, and i quote, weeing "between her legs".

again, i'm sorry.

09 December, 2005 16:31  
Blogger Mike chimed in with...

A friend of mine on holiday in Florida, following a night heavy with alcohol and Mexican food was caught needy betwixt hotel and sea. An instant panic-calculation of relative distance resulted in him running gingerly on his tippy-toes, Fred Flinstone style, towards the sea and cold comforting relief. Sadly he wasn't doing solids that day an ended up swimming wide-eyed and guiltily through a brown shit-slick the size of a small island.

09 December, 2005 17:42  
Blogger CyberPete chimed in with...

Ew! That's disgusting (but oh my I can't stop laughing).

09 December, 2005 17:50  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

I am appalled! But it doesn't mean I don't have a story (not a topper, though).

When my sister, Inexcusable, was young she used to bring the potty into the living room so she could poo and watch TV at the same time.
One particular evening, after much straining and gasping (and a particularly nasty stench), she got up to display a monstrous poo in the shape of a very fat starfish.

It had five "arms"! How did she manage to excrete it? I've never been able to figure it out...

09 December, 2005 17:53  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Mine's quite a long one (story not poo) so I'll post it tomorrow.

If you're good.

09 December, 2005 18:04  
Blogger Tabby Rabbit chimed in with...

Great stories, been laughing out loud at work (and somehow have managed to miss 'home time').

Homer - that's classic. I presume you weren't wearing the ankle boots at the time?

Surly - Friend 2 was lucky the mushroom left her system at all. Have, er, cut up parts of digestive systems where the person (who offered it to be cut up - well, you know what I mean..this is all coming out wrong) couldn't recall the last time they ate mushrooms but there were loads of them there. They werem't *clean* as such y'know... I'm going to go home now.

Will come back tomorrow to read Funny Thing's post.

09 December, 2005 18:15  
Blogger garfer chimed in with...

Ah,nothing like a poo post.
Scaryduck did a good one about having to rush to the garden shed and do a curry poo in a supermarket carrier bag because he couldn't get in the bathroom.
He forgot that all supermarket carrier bags have holes in them to prevent small children suffocating.

09 December, 2005 20:15  
Blogger Meegan chimed in with...

Wow. These stories will be stuck in my memory for a loooong time. After reading all of these, though, my story, involving mere spitting, sounds positively classy.

09 December, 2005 20:25  
Blogger Huw chimed in with...

Surly - Me and an old girlfriend once drunkenly tried friend's father and friend's technique after drunkenly jockeying for the toilet.

Alas, in my inebriated state, neither my aim or balance was what it should have been.

Good lord was I in trouble.

10 December, 2005 01:52  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy chimed in with...

I don't know why, but I'm always fascinated by stories about poo.

I used to eat it out of my nappy when I was but a tiny wee Cute Wee Me - so mummy used to tell me.

10 December, 2005 11:14  
Blogger spindleshanks chimed in with...

i did a huge long poo once in a friend's toilet (in a small flat). was there at a dinner party -only 6 of us so it was noticeable when i got up for the loo, and the bathroom door was visible from where the other guests were. I had to keep flushing and flushing and then i tried to break it up with the toilet brush but it just made the toilet brush filthy so i tried it with paper and some got on my hands (my heart is pounding now as i write this and relive the ghastly event). After about 20 minutes and 30 flushes and much mucking about with the cistern and the ballcock i managed to get rid of it and then had to try and stroll casually back out of the bathroom into waiting dinner party. oh god.

10 December, 2005 16:02  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy chimed in with...

sprindleshanks (yes, I know I mis-spelled that, but can't be arsed going back and changing it) - did it look up at you with sad, pleading eyes begging for mercy?

And have I missed my opportunity to say you're all talking shite?

10 December, 2005 21:34  
Blogger LC chimed in with...

You want disgusting?

Check this out.

11 December, 2005 00:01  
Blogger Universal Soldier chimed in with...

lc - someone must have been really really bored to have set that site up.

11 December, 2005 07:48  
Blogger Ova Girl chimed in with...

Came into my baby sister's room one morning to find she had managed to pull off her nappy and had started breakfast. She's 26 now and I can still make her scream by retelling this story.

11 December, 2005 12:06  
Blogger Soft Moon Shining chimed in with...

A good friend with a right 'bastard of a husband' once took ill on holiday. Lying on the back seat in agony she begged her husband to pull over - he refused but thoughtfully passed her a map to lie on to ensure she didn't dirty the car!

11 December, 2005 15:44  

Post a Comment

<< Home


Free Web Site Counter
Counters Who Links Here