Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Desperately Seeking..

..with the emphasis on "desperate".

One of the finest things about the Times of a weekend is the Encounters page.

It's a richly-jewelled wonderland of confused, hopeful egomaniacs* and I love it. Really, proper love it. All of human life is here, and the examples below are just from Men Seeking Women. Women Seeking Men is pretty much of a muchness - full of "bubbly" (annoying), "curvy" (fat), "fun-loving" (drunk) divorcees seeking "possible LTR" (I will peer through your letterbox at three in the morning until you become afraid enough to take out a restraining order against me. I will then attempt suicide and say that, although my first three husbands are entirely to blame, you certainly played a big part in my devastation and subsequent breakdown).

Anyway.

Enjoy.

- Youthful, slim gentleman, submissive, seeks very assertive, mature lady for relationship.

There's a lot of these about. See also:

- Do you have a powerful and assertive personality? Extremely fit male, 60s, with an unconventional lifestyle, seeking never-ordinary woman with a dominant attitude.

Okaaay. Now, The first guy is clearly looking for a nice lady to treat him the way Nanny used to in the big house, back between the wars. Fair do's. But the second one? To me, it smacks (no pun intended) of the sort of man who wants a full-on wrestling match every time the naughties creep up on him. No dinner and flowers on this agenda, thank you. No. It's crash mats on the living room floor and three counts or a full submission to decide the winner. Every time.

Which is all well and good, but in the personals page of the Times? Really? Aren't there a few more, um, specialist publications out there that might perhaps yield better results? Or are all those bubbly, curvy, fun-loving divorcees thinking to themselves well, it's not really my thing. But a date's a date, and it's only Heartbeat on tomorrow night. I might give him a ring. He might be nice.

Good luck, ladies.

From the guys who know what they want to a man who is clearly hoping things at least go his way slightly:

Virile, optimistic guy..

Stop right there, Mr Erectile Dysfunction. Don't be putting "optimistic" in the same sentence as "virile". Really. We all know what you mean, and it makes us feel slightly sad for you.

There are, of course, a great number of Mature, Attractive, Solvent, Athletic, Charming, Trustworthy, Gentle, Honest, Genuine, Good-Looking, Caring, Affluent, Fun-Loving and Athletic men advertising their various USPs. Taken at face value, it's like David Hasslehoff, Donald Trump and George Clooney collided at high speed and rained down sparkling lady-magnet fallout all over the page. I don't buy it though. Not really.

However, one advertisement really stood out for me. I mean, if I were single I'd be all over this one like a curvy, fun-loving rash. Ladies, strap yourselves in. I give you:

Doctor/Philosopher, 70s, retired, non-religious, WLTM analytical, scholarly lady, 59+, together to find the truth about health, psychology, longevity, relaxation, culture and ethics.

No pressure then, girls. If you're the intellectual image of Stephen Hawking in a dress, why not give him a call? It's either a future spent in knife-edged debate, sparring over the very fabric of humankind, or he wants to spend his evenings telling your stiff, rouged corpse why you'll never be as nice as Mummy was.

The decision is yours.

* Yes, thank you. It's lovely to be altogether perfect and mock people I have never met and have no idea about. Now, move along please.

12 Comments:

Blogger Blonde pigeon chimed in with...

Surly - you are sublime! I doff my woolly cap at you. Glad to see you are so back on form. You are pure GENIUS!!

02 April, 2008 01:15  
Anonymous Thursday chimed in with...

I agree wholeheartedly, this is Surly at her best.

02 April, 2008 08:36  
Blogger Geoff chimed in with...

Optimism is a funny thing. If he likes Bach and she likes Dylan it ain't going to work.

"longevity" sounds like years of unpaid caring to me.

02 April, 2008 13:47  
Blogger llewtrah chimed in with...

As a BDSM enthusiast I can tell you some of those ads are even kinkier if you read between the lines e.g. an interest in watersports does not mean ski-ing and swimming!

02 April, 2008 20:14  
Anonymous Kiki Downing chimed in with...

Oh, how I friggin' needed those laughs! And may I add this recommendation: read personal ads on Match.com from men (term used loosely) in Florida. But not after dark all by yourself.

03 April, 2008 03:05  
Blogger FirstNations chimed in with...

..and for a genuine folk-art meander through the world of american blue-collar kink, try the singles seeking ads in Craigslist.com !

this post caused me to make an involuntary noise which frightened my dog into making an involuntary noise of her own. i thought you should know.

03 April, 2008 17:46  
Blogger overnighteditor chimed in with...

Good post. I think there's money - or at least a good blog post or two - in a book that "decodes" personal ads.

PS: Hi. Long time no anything.

09 April, 2008 02:30  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

These submissive men - do they willingly do housework and cleaning? Because if they do, maybe that's the direction I should be looking in.

12 April, 2008 16:14  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

that was a serious question people.

15 April, 2008 11:28  
Anonymous men seeking women chimed in with...

Thank you for this post, we are a online dating website blog network, which college students read our blog, so thanks and well post this article on our blog. Jennifer @ University of Syracuse men seeking women

09 December, 2009 05:18  
Anonymous men seeking women chimed in with...

Thank you for this post, we are a online dating website blog network, which college students read our blog, so thanks and well post this article on our blog. Jennifer @ University of Syracusemen seeking women

09 December, 2009 18:38  
Anonymous IT Services London chimed in with...

That guy sounds very disparate, come on it's not so hard to find someone to date with.

14 September, 2011 14:52  

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