Sunday, March 23, 2008


So, getting older. Mmm.

To summarise:

I have a horrid eye infection. My left eyelid is red and swollen and itchy and I look like a victim of domestic abuse/Heather Mills in Paul McCartney's dreams. It is rubbish. I have to put antibiotic ointment on it every two hours and my eye is so fat that my eyelashes keep leaving smears all over the inside of the lenses of my glasses. I make Olive from On the Buses look like Elle Macpherson.

I have a crap knee. I saw the surgeon last Tuesday and he thinks I have a loose fragment of something-or-other in my knee joint. I win an arthroscopy. On April 23rd. So all I have to do between now and then is give up smoking, not fall over pissed any more and try not to think about anaesthetics/blood clots/infections/earth being invaded by giant bitey squids.

I am fat. I am getting married on August 9th and have already bought my wedding dress. The more I think about how I need to lose half a stone in time for the wedding the more tortillas and garlic dip I eat. This scares me. I do not want to be the girl who gets married in jeans and a baggy t-shirt because my lack of self-control in the presence of cold sausages has rendered me totally unable to squeeze into my wedding dress. I wonder if there are bathing machines available on e-Bay, and whether the pink Cadillac we have booked as the wedding car would be able to tow one to the registrar's office. I don't think it is viable. Which worries me, so I eat toast and marmite. Which really helps.

Oh yes. I'm quite the prize.


Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

Yes, yes, but we all think you are gorgeous.

23 March, 2008 18:03  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

may i suggest an eye test? or a brain scan?

23 March, 2008 18:09  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

On the bright side - your eye infection will clear up - my himwhosnoreslikeabison gets it a lot (run-down orientated) and swears by ointment with chloramphenicol in it but you probably have some...the knee too will get sorted. I can't believe you are that organised that you have got the dress and booked the car already! No wonder you are eating - you are probably wearing yourself out with nerves.

Hideous adage but....One day at a time and there is plenty of it. The pink cadillac sounds brilliant and I so know it will the best day of all of your lives :-)

And I do know what you mean about getting old(er). I seem to have started resembling if not become my avatar as I now have to wear glasses to watch tv, read and do tinternet things. I hit 42 in Jan and all I got as a birthday present was a rubber ring - around my middle which I can't seem to hold in very well anymore mainly due to the fact I've developed 'bloggers arse' from too much sitting down and blogging. I was thinking about going out running but instead I had a cup of coffee and tried very hard not to eat a creme egg! Big hug from across the blogosphere xx

24 March, 2008 09:59  
Anonymous Beth chimed in with...

Just spread the eye infection to others around you, and then no one will notice the wonky knee/ extra pounds.

See? Problem solved.

Oh, and snacks make everything better.

24 March, 2008 15:52  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

In 11 weeks time I have to wear a pair of football shorts which will allow people to see my knees.

I'm currently trying to locate somebody who can give me norovirus again in order to kick-start my diet.

24 March, 2008 16:00  
Anonymous Bill Door chimed in with...

The eye will get better but I don't think you're old enough to remember OTB...
April 23 is an auspicious day, not only is it knee day but also St George's day (the patent saint or something) AND the day that the current Mrs Door & I got together.

NINE years ago...

The beer & ciggies. No one in their right mind would give both of these up at once.
So make a choice and when you've decided to stop smoking, celebrate with a glass of something red and moderately priced.*
As above--one day at a time.

* NOT Lidl's pasata...

24 March, 2008 18:09  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

Don't worry, they schedule fittings for wedding dresses for a reason. And really, you have 5 months to lose...(looks up stone conversion) 7 lbs? That's the least of your worries. YOU'LL BE FINE. You have crap in your knee, for christsakes.

24 March, 2008 19:51  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

Hmm.. maybe I was too harsh.

You'll be beautiful! And with the pink cadillac, no one is going to notice. There.

24 March, 2008 19:53  
Blogger Homer chimed in with...

Sweet, as you are quite tall to start with, is half a stone really going to make any difference to the fit of your wedding dress? I'm shorter than you, and two stones only made one dress size difference.

And you know OH will adore you anyway. Quit worrying and open the Doritos.

(I'm not going to tell you an arthroscopy isn't scary.)

24 March, 2008 20:14  
Blogger FirstNations chimed in with...

....I am. they make a tiny hole, suck out some crud with a tiny vaccuum thingie, polish up the surfaces with a tiny polishing thingie, suck out the sawdust with the vaccuum thingie and then fill the incision site with used sawdust from the abbatoir and apply the leeches. you'll be fully able to do both the Pony AND the Walk It Out at your wedding!

america salutes you and your wedding planning fu! knowing that you've undoubtedly chosen to abide by the 'No Buppe, No Shtuppe' rule, I applaud you on having had the foresight to rent out a huge great aircraft carrier like the Caddy.

25 March, 2008 18:58  
Blogger Cheezy chimed in with...

Mmmmmm.... tortillas....

28 March, 2008 11:05  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

is now the time to make the rash announcement that you are all invited to my wedding reception?

29 March, 2008 16:24  

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