Thursday, June 28, 2007

Warning! Gynaecology!

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.

I’ve never been one of those naked ladies in the swimming-pool changing rooms, enthusiastically towelling my crotch while discussing how best to grow organic runner beans with that nice lady from the wholefoods shop. The thought of being undressed in front of people fills me with horror. I’m just not that sort of girl.

Which would go some way towards explaining why my visit to the Family Planning* clinic today is something I have been putting off for over a year. I have an IUD, you see, and since the Other Half had his balls cut off** last year, we decided I might as well go wireless. But, you see, I hate all that fiddling around stuff. I hate standing around uncomfortably, naked from the waist down, waiting for the doctor to finish putting their gloves on/dipping the speculum in freezing water/switching on the secret webcam hidden in that box of tongue depressors***. I hate when someone shines an anglepoise lamp up my hoo-ha. I hate making polite conversation with someone who is locating my cervix. Urk.

But I went. And, predictably, it was embarrassing and uncomfortable and cold and a little bit painful. On the plus side, the doctor did say she liked my shoes (pink slingbacks which match my hair – I rule!), which is probably one of the nicer things a person can hear while someone is fiddling with their insides****. So it wasn’t all bad. But I did wonder to myself, even as I was thanking the doctor (for what?? Not punching me in the face to compound my misery? Not legging it through the waiting room shouting about my downstairs? Not pulling the bed-curtain-thing back with a triumphant “TA DA!!!” to reveal all my ex-boyfriends?), what sort of person chooses a career based in, well, fannying around with fannies. Rather her than me, that’s all I can say. I can barely communicate with people face-to-face, let alone strike up a casual conversation over a nice warm foo-foo.

There. Aren’t you glad I shared? I know I am.

* I know, I know – it makes me sound like I read Woman’s Realm and bake my own tea cosies. But the only alternative is “Sexual Health Clinic” and just being in the place makes me want to wear a badge saying “I Don’t Have An STI” so I’m really not that comfortable with it. Shut up.

** Well, not really. But he was a brave boy and he had to shave his minge off and poke his balls through a hole in a green sheet so we like to make it sound more, you know, extreme than it actually was by way of compensation.

*** Randomly, when I used to type up medical reports for the kids at my last job, I could always vaguely taste tongue depressors. Does that count as synaesthesia*****? Or am I just a bit odd?

**** I have just realised that this sentence makes me sound a) retarded and b) like the sort of person who clambers onto examining tables naked but for their shoes. I am neither. Honest.

***** As another random aside, some noises have shapes. Honest. Like the noise off of Family Fortunes – not the uh-uh noise (that noise is orange) – the noise they make in the last round with the quick-fire questions – if you give the same answer as the person who went before you they play a sort of “poomph” noise. Which is oval. Well, more elliptical. And the colour of purple grape juice. I’ll stop now.

24 Comments:

Blogger Mangonel chimed in with...

And then someone is bound to tell you that 'it's only another part of your body, like any other', and you think OH NO IT'S NOT.

28 June, 2007 18:36  
Blogger JonnyB chimed in with...

lalalalanotlisteninglalalalala

28 June, 2007 18:42  
Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

"The thought of being undressed in front of people fills me with horror. I’m just not that sort of girl." Well, it looks as if that is another project I will have to abandon.

28 June, 2007 19:05  
Blogger suburban wonder chimed in with...

The phrase "enthusiastically towelling my crotch" sent me into paroxysms of giggles that have yet to subside.

I have my own appointment of a similar nature in 2 months, for the reverse operation, as the WCM refuses to get his balls cut off.

28 June, 2007 19:28  
Blogger Lardy Big Bot chimed in with...

My sister took my nephew for his first day at school and the only other Mum who had also arrived early was the lady who did my sister's smear test. Nightmare.

28 June, 2007 20:01  
Blogger Billy chimed in with...

Not for the first time, I'm glad I was born male.

That said, the "balls through a sheet" thing is freaking me out somewhat.

28 June, 2007 20:48  
Anonymous Thursday chimed in with...

Pink slingbacks? Sorry but a girl can endure most things whilst wearing pink slingacks in my opinion and having your chuff checked is one of them.

28 June, 2007 21:15  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

slingacks? thursday, are you drunk? (lets have a blogmeet. shall we? email me if anyone's up for it. only criteria are liking wine and, um, blogging).

28 June, 2007 23:03  
Anonymous MissDespina chimed in with...

Do we have to wear pink slingbacks at the blogmeet? And that's how we'll recognise each other?
Great post - been there, done that, passed out, hated it!

29 June, 2007 09:24  
Anonymous dr ben chimed in with...

If it's any consolation (and I'm sure it's not). Being on the other end of the speculum isn't always that flash either...

The slingbacks would have made a nice change from the ubiquitous sheepskin boots and 'slummy mummy' pyjamas that I'm used to seeing at St Elsewhere's!

29 June, 2007 12:20  
Blogger khlari chimed in with...

Could have been a lot worse....I had one of those as well, and as Mr A fires blanks and the thingy's sell-by date was up, decided to have it taken out......whereupon they broke it in half (hurrah...ow!) lost it (getting better), and then had to operate to get the thing out (Which they did with a non-functioning local- ow OW OW!).
And all of that after I'd asked them to get someone properly qualified to do it in the first place.......

My best one was when working in an infertility clinic...all the people I met- like my ex-headmistress, and my mother's boss.....hmmmm

29 June, 2007 13:38  
Anonymous Thursday chimed in with...

No, not drunk Surly, just highly impressed that your shoes match your hair. Blogmeet? Oh hell, why not, I've done it before.

29 June, 2007 16:44  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

What's the shape/colour of the sound made by a jew's harp?

And the bit where they tell you "no, you won't have any bleeding or anything until your next period" - they lie.

29 June, 2007 18:07  
Blogger 007and a half chimed in with...

I have a friend who is a gyny. I was walking past his house last weekend and found him painting his hall. He was standing on his front doorstep enjoying a brief spell of sunshine with his arms through the letterbox.

BTW I love nothing better than to run round naked whilst talking about the finer points of organic beans. But I don't know about that towelling nonsense - if ever I have walking aids, I don't take them in the pool.

29 June, 2007 18:10  
Blogger botogol chimed in with...

he! he! very funny post, surlygirl, I wish I had been there!
Well, no, um, no, um of course I don't mean that I really do wish that I had actually been there, of course not...um... well ...(runs away to hide confusion)

29 June, 2007 23:17  
Anonymous Femme chimed in with...

Hey Surly

Great Post - you are truly on form. (Like, "really laugh until I nearly have to consider buying Tena Lady products" on form, not just "quite good")

You know, as much as I am your favourite naked crotch toweller, I hate Gyni Stuff too...I inadvertently start humming Peter and The Test Tube Babies and then laugh hysterically to hide the fact, which serves to make the poor doctor feel uncomfortable and makes my Cervix harder to locate than ever before, and um, well, it's rubbish...but you have made it sound funny. No easy task. Go you.

30 June, 2007 11:13  
Blogger Z chimed in with...

This comment has been removed by the author.

02 July, 2007 01:51  
Anonymous Melograna chimed in with...

I laughed and cringed at that post. What I don't understand is why money is spent on researching everything under the sun, and no one gives any thought to improving the hell that is anything medical to do with front bottoms.

02 July, 2007 01:52  
Anonymous drelizablog@googlemail.com chimed in with...

made me chuckle a lot- one of my least favourite things to do.

02 July, 2007 13:08  
Blogger khlari chimed in with...

Who do you always think of inappropriate songs? When I went for a CAT scan, all I could think of was The Ramones' 'Gimme gimme shock treatment'....

02 July, 2007 15:11  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

I remember having a very strained conversation with the gyn about grebes during one such exam. now i take a valium and the grebes are no longer an issue.
yes really.
thank god they don't let doctors SMOKE anymore, that's all i have to say.

02 July, 2007 19:29  
Anonymous rivergirlie chimed in with...

surly - i feel your discombobulation!
i once read another v funny post on this vexed topic by a us blogger called dana loesch. she dubbed her (female) obgyn, 'dr man-hands' and referred to the (why is it always icy?) speculum as 'the gina-jack'. makes me wince just typing it.
i have pink slingbacks (well i would, obviously - goodbye jimmy choo, and all that) so i'm in!

03 July, 2007 20:54  
Anonymous geosomin chimed in with...

" I can barely communicate with people face-to-face, let alone strike up a casual conversation over a nice warm foo-foo."

You made me spit out my coffee laughing.
Thanks :)

09 July, 2007 20:56  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

welcome....

10 July, 2007 19:19  

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