Friday, June 01, 2007

Actually? Fuck you.

For crying out loud.

I am annoyed. I realise that this is not rare for me, but really, I am Very Annoyed. Let me explain (as if you care, but I need to vent and that’s what you’re there for).

I ordered a CD, you see. I ordered it from Amazon. It’s a Buckcherry CD. Now, Buckcherry are not renowned for their, um, feminist principles. The song “Crazy Bitch” is proof enough of that. But I like a couple of their songs (god, how old do I sound?) so I thought I’d give the album a try. All good, so far.

Except, when it arrived, there was a little sticker on the case* saying “Clean”. How odd, I thought – I wonder what that means? When I played it for the first time it became all too apparent. Some earnest, cardigan-wearing, yoghurt-weaving, Guardian-reading Protector Of Purity at Amazon has apparently decided that they will, as a matter of course, send out copies of albums with all the nasty swearing edited out.


I was annoyed enough to email Amazon asking them what their policy was. It wasn’t even as if there was anything on the order page that might have given a clue as to it being an edited version. I am *coughs*thirty-four*coughs* years old. I love a bit of swearing, me. I fucking love it. I also enjoy the freedom of choosing, you know, for myself, what I read, watch or listen to. I am aware that writing to an online retailer complaining that the CD they sent me doesn’t have enough fucks on it may well cause them to file me under “Tinfoil Hatter” but I don’t care. They brought it on themselves, and when I am finally cornered by the Armed Response Unit and led from the Amazon warehouse and asked to put the flamethrower down now, they can look at the smoking remains of their stock and understand that they only have themselves to blame. It’s the principle, innit?


So anyway, now all I need is a list of wholly unsuitable CDs to order from Amazon. I wonder if they stock any Anal Beard?

* I absolutely can’t bring myself to say “jewel case”. It’s just wanky. And it doesn’t even make any sense. Trying to make a plastic box sound all sort of glittery and magical is weird. I mean, should I start referring to my phone as a Portal to the Universe? Maybe we should all just dress up as pointy wizards and gaze intently into misty pools hoping to divine the future and ride gryphons and just have done with it. Good lord.


Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

I think that it is for your own good, darling, there is far too much bad language around, and you should take this opportunity to take stock, and reevaluate your choices.
May I suggest a nice Cliff Richard CD? You will find nothing there but good wholesome sentiments and an affirmation of worthy values.

(I particularly like the track "Smear my sweaty bollocks with cunt juice, you horny motherfucking bitch".)

02 June, 2007 08:06  
Blogger Lardy Big Bot chimed in with...

As a former record store manager I can say with some conviction that we were sent 'clean' versions of albums to be used for in store play and not for re-sale why Amazon wants those is anyones guess.....the artists swore on the recording and want you to hear what they originally sang. Surely parental advisory stickers already took most of the fun out of it. This could be some twat mixing up the stock...I mean what cunt would want an album with not swearing in it?

02 June, 2007 10:45  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

oh thats frightening.
just decided that for you, did they? how very fucking decent of them.

02 June, 2007 22:10  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

Have you had a reply from Amazon about this?

In the meantime, I shall cancel my hardcore porn order with them.

03 June, 2007 11:58  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

Perhaps Amazon have had lots of negative feedback from sanctimonious - er, sorry, I mean "concerned" parents who've been saying stuff like "speaking as a parent, I'm disgusted to find out what my darling innocent 19 year old son has been listening to. He has always been a nice boy and we don't want him to be corrupted by all manner of filth".

By the way, you can buy "Cliff - The Pagan Orgy On Heroin Years" under the counter at most record stores.

03 June, 2007 18:49  
Blogger violetforthemoment chimed in with...

When I was burning stuff onto my Creative Zen Vision:M Video 30GB (God, 'iPod' is so much ... snappier, isn't it?), the program they use to look up the CD and tracklisting on the net - Gracenote - censored the 'rude' words in the titles, which pissed me off a bit but at least I could change it. More annoying is the fact that I just cannot out-obscure this fucking programme. It can always find the tracklisting, even for my album of McCarthy b-sides. I clearly have rubbish taste in music.

Sorry, gone a bit off topic there. I have a cold. That' some kind of excuse, right? Snot on the brain. With you re. 'jewel case'. It just sounds ike such a fucking marketing word.

03 June, 2007 22:15  
Anonymous Fidel chimed in with...

Jewel Case sounds like something one might wear to play cricket. Never heard it to describe the crappy packets CD's come in.

As for the censorship what's the point. Some of Fat Boy Slim's material may come across as silent if censored.

*Please note that I managed to resist the tempatation to say cunt or fuck in this comment.

04 June, 2007 11:05  
Anonymous belladona chimed in with...

Try The Macc lads. It would indeed have to be a blank cd they sent you. Of course the fact it is total infantile crap may put you off.

04 June, 2007 13:28  
Blogger realdoc chimed in with...

The person to ask is billy. He played a song on one of his podcasts called Piss Up A Rope which was very sweary and also quite amusing but I can't remember who sung it.

04 June, 2007 16:17  
Blogger surly chimed in with...

i did get a response but it was a very automated of-course-you-can-return-the-item sort of thing. i am toying with pushing them to repl to my enquiry about their policy. it all depends on whether i can be arsed, really.

04 June, 2007 18:18  
Blogger bedshaped chimed in with...

I bet you wouldn't have had that problem if you'd have ordered Charlotte Church's cd.

04 June, 2007 23:44  

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