Sunday, May 13, 2007

Ready, Steady, Get Tae Fuck

If there were a Top Trumps game of Annoying Celebrities, Ainsley Harriott would surely be the unbeatable card. The one that, when found in your dealt hand, causes a smile of satisfaction to briefly twist your mouth before you settle to the serious business of trouncing your oponent.

Unctuous, patronising, obsequious, irritating, smug – there just aren’t enough Bad Adjectives to adequately describe the abject cuntiness of Britain’s Twattiest Celebrity Chef*. He’s like human effluent – unpleasant, ubiquitous and in need of a long-term sustainable solution**.

I really don’t know how to adequately précis my loathing for this man. You could argue that I could simply ignore him; after all, it’s not like I’m compelled by law to allow him to irritate me this much. But, in case you haven’t been paying attention for the last two years, this is what I do. I become irrationally annoyed with things/people that I should really just avoid, and vent my pathetic spleen via the medium of the internet, with which to make your lives ever richer.


We watched Ready Steady Cook by accident the other day. Ainsley was doing his usual mugging and gurning and offering a steady stream of sub-Carry On innuendo to the hapless contestants. This time, it was Nicholas Parsons (who, to be fair to Ainsley, is an insufferable old queen and deserves anything dished out to him) and Marion Keyes (who, to be fair to Ainsley, is over-chirpy, slightly mental and not as fantastic as she probably thinks she is, at least, not any more) who were improbably attempting to create gourmet fare from a fiver spent at Waitrose***. Ainsley launched into full new-best-friend mode, and I began to snarl.

So, says Ainsley to our Marion, what about all those books, then? Ooh, yes, replies Marion, frantically grating something, it all started with Watermelon you know.

At this point, Ainsley sacrificed any pretence of interest. Oh, yes! he exclaimed, with the over-excited tone of a man who just loves spending time curled up on the sofa with a mint chocolate Options and a big old pile of chick-lit, that Watermelon. That's a fantastic book!

Please. Marion could have opined that actually, she thought Fred West was a bit misunderstood, really, and Ainsley would have happily agreed. And then, he did it again to Nicholas Parsons.

Actually, offered Nicholas, I spend quite a lot of time on cruise ships these days. Quick as a flash, Ainsley was right in there. Ooh, of course. I hear it all the time - people saying they've been on a cruise and there was Nicholas Parsons. Oh, fuck OFF. As if people are approaching Ainsley Harriott in the street to mention that they were on a cruise last week and you'll never guess who they saw? Only that one off of Sale of the Century! As if. Cunt.

I hope, in my heart of hearts, that all the other celebrity chefs hate him too. That he is the Paul Daniels of the profession. That, when he walks into the green room at the BBC, James Martin and Brian Turner look at their watches and leave, muttering about how they've left those scones in the oven, and isn't it funny how time flies, and oh, look! There's Lowri Turner!

I realise that this may be the most irrelevant post I have ever subjected you to. But I hate hate hate the man and his Teflon personality so much that I simply had to share before I went mental. Again.

As you were.

* I know, I know. But really, with his fat tongue, Mockney sensibilities and ugly children, does Jamie Oliver really need to take up any more of my valuable loathing time?

** Like Guanatamo Bay, or lethal injection, or something.

*** If it was me, I'd buy fish paste, some croissants and a tin of rice pudding. Take that, celebrity chef!


Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

the absolute worst thing you can do with a celebrity chef is to give them a television show. we have many of their ilk, each one worse than the last and most of them dumbed down even dumber to appeal to an audience whose idea of cooking means hitting the 'start' button on the nuke.
*wipes foam from lips*
i am also appalled that rice pudding comes in a can.

happy mothers day! here, anyway. or go ahead and claim another one for 'just becauses'!

13 May, 2007 17:29  
Blogger longcat chimed in with...

i've missed your bile...


13 May, 2007 17:35  
Anonymous gddik chimed in with...

You don't like him, do you?

13 May, 2007 18:36  
Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

He has a nice smile though, doesn't he?

13 May, 2007 18:49  
Blogger Billy chimed in with...


This might amuse you.

13 May, 2007 19:23  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

FN - same goes back. mwah.

longcat - me too. really.

gddik - you think? ha!

vicus - you are obsessed with people's smiles. is it vicus-speak for "good lord. look at that massive irritating twunt"?

billy - genius.....

13 May, 2007 19:27  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Why does Ainsley have to prefix everything with the word "old" and suffix it with "eh?" e.g. Aren't I the biggest cunt on the old television, eh?

13 May, 2007 19:32  
Blogger Murph chimed in with...

Thought you might appreciate these

13 May, 2007 20:20  
Anonymous The Girl in the Other Room chimed in with...

But have you ever thought he's got an enormous cock?

Oh sorry I mean he IS an enormous cock!

I always get those muddled up.

I really shouldn't drink gin all Sunday afternoon.

13 May, 2007 21:33  
Anonymous Girl Behind the Partition chimed in with...

That's not even my name.

I'm Girl behind the Partition.

Girl in the Other Room is a Diane Krall album.

God I've had too much gin!!!

13 May, 2007 23:04  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...


14 May, 2007 07:54  
Anonymous stagedive chimed in with...

>> "If there were a Top Trumps game of Annoying Celebrities"

I protest your honour, AH would be out-trumped by;
Mick Hucknall
Mark Knobfler
Mark 'Level 42' King

.. all for just being them ..

14 May, 2007 10:29  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Stagedive, how can you 'dis' the flame haired minstrel of soul ? The voice, the looks, the ability to bed hundreds of women despite being a mongrel !!!

I'd have to throw Cilla Black into the equation. Ok, so I felt a little smypathy for her when her husband died but after 10 seconds that wore off and I still wanted the scouse bitch dead !

14 May, 2007 16:38  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

There was a naked picture of Ainsley Harriott in Cosmopolitan a few years back. He may be annoying but he's got a smoking hot body.

15 May, 2007 11:38  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i don't have anything to add, but the word veri is "lubacap" which is worth a snicker in anyone's book.

carry on.

15 May, 2007 18:28  
Anonymous rivergirlie chimed in with...

have you seen that packaging for his own brand of sausages? if not, i'll send it to you - too funny!

17 May, 2007 10:27  
Blogger violetforthemoment chimed in with...

He was on the National Lottery programme just now, which I only know because I didn't turn over quickly enough after Dr Who. It would take a lot to get more fake and annoying than that combination. Maybe throw in Jodie Marsh.

19 May, 2007 20:33  
Blogger Cheezy chimed in with...

This comment has been removed by the author.

21 May, 2007 10:57  
Blogger Cheezy chimed in with...

I'll see your Ainsley Harriot and raise you a Vernon Kaye. Just the sight of him makes me shit blood, but then he opens that fat fucking gob of his and all that thick Bolton patois comes gushing out and I start wanting to pull my brains out of my ears.

21 May, 2007 10:58  
Anonymous Miss Despina chimed in with...

Ha ha! Wonderful. Lovin' the rage, sister!

22 May, 2007 14:03  
Anonymous sugar007 chimed in with...

Can I join in the Ainsley Bashing? He is cringeworthy!! He is a frigging caricature. Apparently he is not that much of a twat in real life, hey I guess whatever works to get your silly mug on TV!! He and Richard Madeley should be sent on a shuttle to outer space to never come back.

23 May, 2007 10:11  

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