Sunday, February 04, 2007

Things that annoy me, # 537134

I have to go on a first aid course on Tuesday. This is making me sulk.

I loathe training courses. I can't bear the enforced jollity, the uncomfortable silences or the evaluation sheets at the end, where everybody just says how great it all was when in fact it was shit*. I hate the bit where you have to get in groups and write bullet points on bits of flipchart paper with a dry felt tip. I hate the bit where you have to stand up in front of the rest of the group and read your bullet points out, and there's always one group who have written fifty-seven bullet points and have to talk about each and every single one of them in great depth until you are coming round to the mindset of people who walk into McDonalds and spray random customers with bullets. I don't like roleplay, or the fact that you can't call that stupid activity brainstorming any more in case epileptic people are mortally offended.

In addition to all this, I can't fucking stand first aid. I am squeamish in the extreme. People with bits dropping off, or bleeding, or being on the wrong way round make my legs go funny. I am no more likely to offer medical assistance in the case of an emergency than I am about to take up morris dancing, or eating glass, or bingo**. But I have to do the course if I want to pass my probation (I am hoping it can't get any worse than the course I went on last week where I had to bite a man on the arm), so Tuesday will see me standing morosely in a freezing village hall trying to avoid doing the resuscitation exercise (they had bloody well better provide dental dams or I'm not going anywhere near a grubby mannequin that I know full well spends its nights tapping on bedroom windows and killing children) and praying for four o'clock.

Stupid first aid.

* I once filled in a "happy sheet" with my honest opinion and got a great big bollocking for my troubles. Honestly, if they don't want to hear the truth, why ask?

** Bingo is shit. Fact.

22 Comments:

Blogger violetforthemoment chimed in with...

...."had to bite a man on the arm"???

04 February, 2007 19:01  
Blogger Doris chimed in with...

Urk. When I did 1st Aid training they had medicated wipes to sterilise the mouth of Resusci Annie in between punters. Beware of that, as it tastes truly horrible and gave my chum a rash round the mouth, herpes-stylie.

04 February, 2007 19:01  
Blogger Hannah chimed in with...

I'm with violetforthemoment. Eh?!

04 February, 2007 19:29  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Was the happy sheet in question the one for our Outlook training?

04 February, 2007 19:42  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

might have been....i seem to recall that you got a bollocking as well....

04 February, 2007 19:46  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Oh - I did it recently and we got dental blocker things. It was great (but it was at my hated old job where ever 20 seconds out of the office was bliss. And it's the only training course I've ever done at work).

Please explain biting a colleague on the arm.

04 February, 2007 20:38  
Blogger Billy chimed in with...

I once got a bollocking for laughing at a fire training video. Well it was funny, I don't care.

04 February, 2007 23:07  
Blogger crisiswhatcrisis chimed in with...

I was treated like a social pariah for days after a water safety course where I called an American fireman a wanker for dying on video in a river. Look, yes, ok, he died, on video, and that is sad and all, but it was his own stupid American fault. Wanker.

05 February, 2007 10:47  
Anonymous Fidel chimed in with...

They always have names for the dummies and the instructors take them home at weekends, some have interchangeable tongues.

Sometimes they dress them up and take them out on dates. There is always a full backstory.

Make sure you get one with all the arms and legs and not just the torso. They have a full set of orifi (plural for orifice?) Herpes from the mouthwipes is the last thing you should be worrying about.

05 February, 2007 12:54  
Blogger mad muthas chimed in with...

what - surly AND sulky? god help anyone who gets sick on your watch!

05 February, 2007 17:49  
Blogger Homer chimed in with...

The other day Xbox told me that when he was training to be an operating department assistant, a man who is now quite high up in the NHS got a stiffy while resuscitating Rubber Annie.

05 February, 2007 19:35  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

oh yes. my husband had to qualify for his emergency assist card to be a foreman. not only did he hafta heef into the rubber chick's salivaj-smeared mouth, now he is legally obliged to render aid in an emergency situation. and he didn't even pop a wooder.

that he mentioned.

05 February, 2007 22:08  
Anonymous Bill Door chimed in with...

The resucci-anni doll has a face based on a corpse pulled from the Seine.
In case you don't believe that nugget, I've provided a link for you...
http://www.laerdal.com/document.asp?subnodeid=13088268

Enjoy...

06 February, 2007 13:24  
Anonymous Morgan chimed in with...

I too have been 'bollocked' for my frank opinions on a feedback form. I have since learnt that these are only for drippy subordinate creeps who don't have things like thoughts, or feelings. Despite the friendly all-comments-welcome disclaimer (TOTAL LIES!) companies do not want to hear that they are shite or that the managers they are paying top dollar are no better than blind lobotomized monkeys.

It's yet another example of that red tape Human Resources twaddle that has infected our country's workplaces. To think that people are employed to plan and host this pre-school activity bonding bullshit.

(Sorry, hit a raw nerve there.)

06 February, 2007 14:45  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Surly, your blog keep going 'SNAP - loading preview' and bringing up little preview windows of whatever it is that your mouse is accidentally hovering over.

I'm confused and it's very distracting - can you turn it off to help the stupid people?

Cheers!

06 February, 2007 19:38  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

it IS annoying, isn't it? switching it off now...

06 February, 2007 19:40  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

or rather, i would if stupid fucking blogger (which is now forcing me to switch) would show me the full screen for logging in with a google account. i can't see the password box - is there a word veri as well?

stupid fucking blogger. i may spend the rest of my life blogging in this comment box....

06 February, 2007 19:54  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

I haven't switched.

I may be the last remaining Alpha blogger left when they turn the lights off...

06 February, 2007 20:49  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i didn't WANT to; they MADE me.

you wait.

06 February, 2007 21:00  
Blogger cuppa chimed in with...

What's wrong with bingo???

Did you hear about the rather large win last week?? Me and cashy can definately get you a pint next week x

07 February, 2007 15:55  
Blogger zanna chimed in with...

alias cashy. Don't want to buy her a pint. She said the sport of our choice was shit.

09 February, 2007 12:16  
Blogger DavetheF chimed in with...

The workshopping industry with its vastly overpaid and useless "consultants" should be dismantled and its practitioners had up for fraud. I started refusing to go to the ones our human resources department came up with. Particularly creepy are the ones where you pair off with someone and talk about yourselves to each other. Cough, stammer, blush, mumble, as you might expect.

12 February, 2007 19:34  

Post a Comment

<< Home


Free Web Site Counter
Counters Who Links Here