Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Gas mask! Stat!

See? How creepy is that?
And yes, Bill Door (in the comments on the last post), we did get told the story about how Resusc Annie is lovingly based on the death mask of a dead girl dragged from the Seine. Mmmm. Corpse doll*. Sweet. Let me kiss it now.
Actually, snogging the rubber equivalent of Nosferatu wasn't even the worst bit.
The worst bit (burping course-leader, freezing bogs and substandard teabags aside), was having someone practice putting me in the recovery position. I'd been sitting quietly up until then, listening to the woman next to me doing that thing where someone interjects at every possible juncture to relate the lecture to themselves or, as is more likely, someone's sister's brother's friend's cousin's best man, who had it happen to a bloke they used to work with. It was driving me quietly bonkers (baby not breathing? Oh, my next-door-neighbour's daughter was like that. Heavy nosebleeds? Oh yes, my son's teacher's boy had those. Stroke? Oh, my Graham had one of those...etc...etc...SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!). What was worse, however, was the occasional waft of fag breath** that kept seizing my nostrils in a death grip and making me want to throw up. Uurgh.
Now, I'm an ex-smoker. I love smoking. Smoking rocks. But it also makes me not be able to exercise, which in turn means I stay fat. Which sucks. So, I gave up at the end of December. I have nothing against anyone smoking, per se. But if you're not going to brush your teeth between the last fag of the night and the first coffee of the morning (and presumably at no point after that), at least chew some gum, or something. Especially if you're going to smoke all the way to a course that will take place in a small, unventilated room. It's just nasty.
Imagine my delight, then, when the woman in question breathed directly into my face while pretending to check if I was breathing***, and then placed her ashtray-smelling fingers all over my face while practising the jaw thrust.
I don't want to make out it was all bad, though. I did learn how to plausibly fake a petit mal seizure. Could first aid training be any better?
* There was a baby one as well. I am SO having nightmares tonight.
** Note to all those random Yahoo-halitosis-group members who took offence to my post that mentioned one person out of the squillions I have met in my life who had bad coffee breath: piss off. This, like the other post, does not warrant one of you linking to it and trying to hold me up as some twisted example of a person who hates people with medical conditions that make you smell. Anyway, what are you doing reading this? Shouldn't you be flossing?
*** I wasn't, by this stage. Trust me.

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Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

testing...(and being very mistrustful of new blogger)...

06 February, 2007 21:55  
Blogger Melissa chimed in with...

It's the timing that throws me. If someone passes out but they're breathing and the heart is still working, great. But are we supposed to keep hovering, waiting for the heart to stop and breath to cease so we can put our first aid training to use? Constantly checking for a pulse? "Back off! He's still breathing, can't you see? Yes, the heartbeat seems irregular, but should we leap in and force it to stabilize now, or do we wait until he flatlines?"

And if I ever had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on someone, I'd be afraid I'd just be adding shooting rib and diaphragm pains to someone struggling to cough up a piece of steak.

I might have issues.

07 February, 2007 01:05  
Anonymous Stu Savory chimed in with...

Just FYI, 'Bill Door' is an alias used by the anthopomorphic character 'Death' in one of Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels.


07 February, 2007 06:26  
Blogger Billy chimed in with...

When she was breathing in your face you should have used to opportunity to spit in her eye.

07 February, 2007 08:19  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

We're not quite ex-smokers, remember the crafty drag or 2 we had last Friday...oh the guilt !!!

07 February, 2007 08:40  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

I'm terrified that I'll have to do the kiss of life on someone, and occasionally have nightmares about it.

I certainly wouldn't go anywhere near that thing - it looks like the last Pope when he was lying in state.

07 February, 2007 09:45  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

A stranger's fag breath in your face. Yuk. That is truly disgusting.
If I am walking down the street and realise I am downwind of someone's ciggie smoke I have to clamp my mouth tightly shut and step 10 paces to the side. A friend of mine has to cover her glass with her hand if someone burps within a five mile radius of it to stop her drink being contaminated.

The worst ever though is coffee/cigar breath.

07 February, 2007 10:00  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

When I was a smoker I had to scrape my teeth with a scalpel every few days to get rid of the stains.


Well done (ish).

07 February, 2007 10:37  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

The next thing on your thing to learn would be Voluntary Projectile Vomiting.

I'm sure that'd soon thwart any would-be-resuscitators in enforced first aid courses, part two.

07 February, 2007 20:08  
Blogger violetforthemoment chimed in with...

other half - see, now that doesn't count. It's like Tom Waits says in Coffee & Cigarettes, the great thing about quitting smoking is, now you can have a cigarette. Because you've quit.

I have never smoked sober or consistently. I'm just trying to sound cool.

07 February, 2007 21:08  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

I like your thinking !

08 February, 2007 08:36  
Blogger Morgan chimed in with...

Did you know that Caravaggio's depiction of the Virgin Mary was based on a dead prostitute he pulled out of the Seine?

09 February, 2007 17:25  

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