Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Notes for my colleague

1) I am not remotely interested in your health. Not even a bit. I don't care about whether or not you might or might not be coming down with a cold. I'm not bothered about how tired you are, or that you have a headache. Also, in light of my indifference to your Life Threatening Heart Condition* (that you will not shut up about, despite nobody caring), are you really surprised that offering to show me your ingrowing toenail elicits a less than enthusiastic response? Oh, and just as an FYI? Ingrowing toenails are not a sign of a person being run down. They do not just magically manifest themselves. Really.

2) If you are going to discuss me with that woman I also hate when I am out of the office, please invent a plausible conversation-switch for when I walk back in. It saves me having to glare at you while you blush and trail pathetically off.

3) I could not possibly care less if you don't like the radio station. I am in the office for thirty nine hours a week. You are there for thirty. Therefore, I get to choose (I also get to choose, of course, because I am impossibly bossy and a control freak but we'll gloss over that part). If you turn the radio down when I leave the office (presumably so that you and That Woman can hear each other bitching about me) I will turn it up even louder when I return. I will do this Every Time, until conversation is impossible and nobody can hear the phones ringing any more.

4) Buy a shirt that fits. Nobody likes to see that, especially with that tattooed on it.

That is all.

For now.

* That isn't even life threatening, as accidentally admitted by the person concerned. So shut up.


Blogger violetforthemoment chimed in with...

I may put this on my noticeboard. The two colleagues I share an office with don't have anything on their noticeboards at all, as they have no personalities. I'm glad someone else has noted the need for a plausible switch-over topic when whining about people.

We do not have the radio on. One was discovered in the bottom of a filing cabinet in our office but something bizarre and inexplicable happened to it when I was left alone in the office with it after three hours of people tunelessly singing along to the tuneless singing on fucking bastard arse Kiss FM. I think it was the Sanity Elves come to save me.

31 January, 2007 20:09  
Blogger Morgan chimed in with...

Just treat them like total shit. Plot to destroy them. Spread malicious rumours. They'll love that, and it's better than pretending to be nice.

31 January, 2007 20:16  
Blogger bedshaped chimed in with...

Going well at work then I see.

31 January, 2007 21:33  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...


31 January, 2007 21:50  
Blogger realdoc chimed in with...

People who like to discuss their health problems with colleagues would choose Heart FM or something so for chrissake don't let her change the radio station. Much sympathy btw I have to listen to this sort of inane wittering in a professional capacity and feign interest, it gets harder every year.

31 January, 2007 22:56  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Whenever you talk about heart condition woman, in my head I always see Carol from Teachers, just muttering "heart condition" in a pitiful way.

01 February, 2007 07:14  
Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

Are there any vacancies in your office?

01 February, 2007 08:46  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Which radio station is it?

01 February, 2007 11:21  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

urgh - radios in the office. Evil. Why not just use an ipod?

01 February, 2007 20:18  
Blogger Billy chimed in with...

Re annoying work colleagues... have you ever seen this place?

02 February, 2007 12:01  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

billy - that's aces. thank you.

we have radio 1 on in the office - please believe me when i say that even this is preferable to the "local" radio station (for local people) that everyone else wants. well, fuck 'em, that's what i say.

and gse - that's a top idea but we have to answer the phones so no dice, sadly.

02 February, 2007 13:52  

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