Thursday, January 04, 2007

I'm with stupid.

Small Person had her first day at her new school today.

The last three weeks have been a flurry of buying new uniform, sorting out before-and-after-school clubs, filling in forms and battling with the Ex over how he can't do his school run mornings any more because the new school is "too far" from his house. Quite how he has arrived at this conclusion is waaaay beyond me - the old school was ten miles from his house; the new one is only four. Down bigger roads. He even went so far as to tell Small Person that he "might never see her again" when she went to the new place. No wonder she hasn't slept properly for a week*. What a twat that man is.

Anyway.

The new school wanted to see Small Person's birth certificate. I didn't have a copy, so asked the Ex to send it home with her at the weekend. Simple, no? The school could take a copy, and the Ex (since it is unfathomably important to him that he holds this document) could have it back tonight. What I didn't bargain for, however, is the Ex's deep, visceral need to fuck me around even if there are absolutely no benefits to himself. Should he simply let me have Small Person's birth cert in order that I might show the school office and she might therefore be allowed to join them today? No! That would never do! I might....um....er.....see, this is the part I don't get**. If I did keep her certificate, what exactly would I do with it? Sell Small Person's identity to Nigerian fraudsters in return for US $100,000,000 that is even now being stored in a vault belonging to a cousin of the deposed governor of Lagos? Sell Small Person herself? Make a thousand copies and wallpaper the living room? Gah.

The upshot being that, on Small Person's first day at her new school (and my first day in the playground amongst all those middle-class mothers), I had to stand in awkward non-conversation with the Ex. And even though he'd made a slight effort (by that I mean it appeared that he had washed his face at some point in the last month), he still had muddy boots, filthy trousers and a camouflage cap on. When Small Person's teacher opened the classroom door I introduced the Ex to her as "Small Person's father" and tried to make it evident by my slight air of desperation that in no way was he still anything to do with me on a personal level.

The horror.

* I went to sleep before she did last night. However, when I picked her up this afternoon the first words out of her mouth were "can I go again tomorrow?". All good, it seems.

** Get it or not, it is nonetheless a moot point. I simply rang the registrar and ordered a copy of Small Person's birth certificate. Seven quid was a small price to pay for the look on the Ex's face next year when I tell him*** I'm applying for a passport so we can take her to Florida. Ha!

*** Discuss with. I mean discuss with. Of course. And yes, I know this is one of the things he is probably afraid of. But seriously, I would never try and take her away from him****. She can find out for herself what a loony he is when she's older.

**** You don't have to believe me. But then, why should you? Most of you don't even know me really, do you? Consider yourselves lucky.

17 Comments:

Blogger Arabella chimed in with...

You seem to have the patience of a saint. I'd be Rumpelstiltskin in a skirt. When I read about your frustrations with ex I have a strong desire to hit him with a handbag but I suppose that wouldn't help at all.
Hurray for SP at her new school.

04 January, 2007 19:15  
Blogger bedshaped chimed in with...

All in all, a good first day at school then.
Congrats....and happy new year.

04 January, 2007 22:32  
Blogger zanna chimed in with...

Glad sp is happy, think she might cotton on to his lunatic tendancies sooner rather than later. You however have the patience of a saint - and I am lucky enough to know you!

04 January, 2007 23:05  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Why did the school need a birth certificate? To prove that she had been born?????????

Did you have to take your birth certificate along as well to prove that you were:
(i) her parent
(ii) also had been born?

Do you need additional forms of id, like living grandparents, or utility bills?

This could go on for ever.


(happy new year and all that, btw)

04 January, 2007 23:54  
Blogger Donna chimed in with...

So glad Small Person enjoyed it. That must be a weight off your mind. I know you AND consider myself lucky ... that's if you still want to be my friend after my drunken episode the other night. Did OH get the message that I want to come to your wedding, or do you think I should mention it another 150 times?

05 January, 2007 00:17  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

exes suck suck suck big green dicks, dicks, dicks. i am SO happy mine chose to (run like a maniac from his responsibilities) pursue the beautiful affluent lifestyle he deserved in california instead of being a co parent.

did you put smallperson in a parochial school after all? or just private school? uniforms? yikes!

05 January, 2007 01:28  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

...whoops, one more thing...gotta warn ya about that future realization thing? it doesnt happen. they want a parent, no matter what the person's like. its messed up, but true. my daughter will forgive her bio dad anything, any blatant lie, any misdeed, anything. and she never saw him until she was in her 20's. they want a dad. they want to feel like they were loved.

05 January, 2007 01:31  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

SP is really rocking at her new school and can't wait to go back which is great news.

I've tried not think too much about Ex and his impact on our lives, I've just let it go for a peaceful life but times they are a-changing and the end of my tether is about to be well and truly reached !

Donna - Of course we still want to be your friends...but only if you stop asking about the bloody wedding !!!!!

05 January, 2007 09:19  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Just had an email from mine (ex) bleating on about how much his outgoings are, listing them in detail including the maintenance he gives to me for his daughter, hoping I'll feel guilty no doubt (does he want me to return it?)

Hmmm. Am I also responsible for the 5 Star new year he has just 'spent' in New York, downing cosmopolitans in the meat-packing district with his 20-something Carrie Bradshaw and flashing the cash in Bloomingdales?

05 January, 2007 11:09  
Blogger Donna chimed in with...

what wedding?

05 January, 2007 14:09  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

My ex (then husband-soon-to-be-ex-husband) when forced to be my plus one, for once not the other way round, at a business party when my career was in its ascendancy and I needed to make a good impression, got a (then very unfashionable)crew cut before hand. We argued beforehand, but all sweetness and light, he apologised and then told everybody at the party he had just come out of prison... No still can't laugh.

Your's sounds just as much of a prince...

05 January, 2007 14:44  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Fifi,that sounds like a torturous New Year by anyones standards !

Never really had any trouble with my ex, she just got a bit needy at times but that has long since passed and we have very little to do with each other now.

...and Donna, that's the spirit !

05 January, 2007 16:29  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

>>the first words out of her mouth were "can I go again tomorrow?>>>

Awww.

Don't worry Surly, you're obviously doing all right there.

05 January, 2007 21:20  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

Hello and happy 2007. Glad SP had a great first day - mine was most dismayed when he realised that it wasn't just the one day - it was lots for a very long time. The look of shock on his face was tragic bless him!

Kids take in more than you think - SP probably has an inkling already that twatty ex is a bit random. I wouldn't worry. She has got a great mum. x

06 January, 2007 00:11  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

hey you, happy new year.
your ex is, and always will be a complete twat! I'm so glad that other half is around to help you stay sane.

06 January, 2007 03:28  
Blogger tom909 chimed in with...

Oh god, I know I'm an annoying arse but in the interests of balance, and as an ex myself who endured many shots across my bows, just a small shout for ex's, it ain't always easy.
Happy New Year Surly - enjoy reading your blog.

07 January, 2007 13:44  
Blogger Pink Drama chimed in with...

small person probably already knows her dad's a crazy old coot. then again, most preteen's and older think their parents are oddballs. at least, i did.

next time, when you introduce the Ex, just say it like this....
this is small person's biological father who i have no connection with any longer and have no desire ever to do so again.

works everytime and sort of embarasses him too.

07 January, 2007 16:59  

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