Friday, November 03, 2006

Why the internet is great

Sometimes I wonder what the qualifications held by people in marketing actually mean. This post started out as an expression of my bewilderment at Comet’s latest strapline: “We Live Electricals”. What? What does that even mean? It’s not even a sentence, as far as I can make out. Surely adding industry-speak to a public ad campaign can only serve to alienate your potential market. I mean, when was the last time you stood in your kitchen and said to your other half/flatmate/twenty-seven cats “do you know, we need some new electricals”? Presumably, in the collective mind of Comet’s marketing department, this train of thought triggers “I know! Let’s go to Comet! After all, they live electricals!” Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever used that word. But still.

When I googled the slogan this morning to check I hadn’t dreamed it (I was in a general state of bewilderment at the time owing to watching some random fly-on-the-wall about the Towers of London on Bravo. Surely they are either a) the shittest band ever, ever, in the history of shit bands who have inexplicably been given a record deal/tour budget or b) an elaborate meeja hoax in the style of Spinal Tap which has clever people who read clever magazines smiling ironically at the irony of it all), I arrived at the peach of a website that is Corporate Comet.

And from there I found a media release crowing about possibly the most patronising gadget ever invented. I could rant for days about the utter banality of a device that presumes you are too stupid (as a woman; this is, as happily and proudly declaimed by the press release, “ideal for women so they can count a loss of calories with a favourite snack rather than try to focus on everchanging sets of numbers during an exercise regime”) to understand all those complicated numbers and calories. I could speculate about how much fun the meeting was where they decided on the sliding scale of evil snacks with which to reward pink-faced women on treadmills the length and breadth of the land. I could marvel at the complexity of said scale, and ponder the use of a cup of coffee as a representation of a special treat. It’s just so random – like one of those complicated games seven year old girls play at breaktime with a set of rules so complex the UN would have a hard time ratifying them.

But I won’t. I’ll let you read it for yourself. All the way to the end, mind. And then, as a reward, you can have a lightly poached Oxo cube. Because you’re worth it.


Blogger Yaxlich chimed in with...

Yaxlich thinks that we should be grateful that Comet won the "We live [insert product type]" strapline in the Annual Marketing Type Convention tombola. He would hate to think what would have happened if the pinstriped goons in charge of the Bodyform account would have won.

03 November, 2006 13:04  
Blogger Geoff chimed in with...

Surely warming up to a soundtrack of romantic ballads would put the little lady in the mood for slow lurve rather than more vigorous exercise.

03 November, 2006 14:07  
Blogger The Murphmeister chimed in with...

These days you have to be "Passionate about Pancakes" or "Fanatical about Flange Brackets" in the hyperbolic parallel universe of the Marketeer.

I've got a hunch that press release was written by a bloke, you know. "going down well with the ladies", "twiddling with knobs" indeed.

If only they would include pictures of Extra Large Twix Bars I would be trading in my Ipod for one.

03 November, 2006 14:27  
Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

Don't be silly. You don't need qualifications to work in marketing. Just a severe disdain for the English language, and absolutely no conscience about inflicting your meaningless drivel on the rest of humanity.
Think different. Another example. Think my arse.

03 November, 2006 19:59  
Blogger mad muthas chimed in with...

"are friends electric?" what kind of a name was that for a song? oh, silly me - of course, it was back in the days of the new romantics, when nothing made sense at all (especially not the hair).
anyway, maybe they now have positions in middle management at comet.

03 November, 2006 20:40  
Blogger FlyingRodent chimed in with...

You're missing the most pertinent point, which is that they're very nice men.

Very, very nice men, in fact.

04 November, 2006 01:14  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Right, the digital camera that makes you look slimmer. Before I add it to my Christmas list I need to know if it only makes me look slimmer in a photo, or if it makes me look like a size 8 just by carrying it around with me?

If it only makes me look slimmer in a photo, surely people are just going to turn around, look at the real me and say "you've put on a bit, haven't you?" when I'm showing them my holiday snaps?

04 November, 2006 08:27  
Blogger Mikey chimed in with...

The language of marketing is a curious thing. In what language, for example, does 'Nutrisse' mean 'nourish' ?

I touch on these matters briefly here but then go off on something of a tangent...

04 November, 2006 18:04  
Blogger The Murphmeister chimed in with...

Ive been thinking Vicus's arse but I'm afraid I don't really want to go there.

04 November, 2006 20:39  
Blogger tom909 chimed in with...

Someone used some of that language in our yard the other day, and I picked them up on it - it was so shit I can't even remember what it was. It's when you meet people who are just speaking it as a whole languge that you really want to kick them in the bollocks.

05 November, 2006 12:00  
Blogger Doris chimed in with...

I am still marvelling at the fact that Comet has "Gadget Angels"!

Are these akin to Benny Hill's Angels? Given their views on what women want from an appliance these days, I wouldn't put it past them to be prone to getting their outer garments snagged off on washing machine doors and the like.

05 November, 2006 13:25  
Blogger Kissing just for practice chimed in with...

I have just seen the worst advert ever.

A man singing a masculinised version of the Helen Reddy feminist protest song, "I am woman (hear me roar)." The reason for this declaration of his emancipation is that he wants to eat a burger instead of wearing moisturiser. Great. Thanks. Its the same as the plight of feminism, except they wanted equal pay, equal rights, not to be objectified and so it seems an mp3 player with motivating snack foods pictured on it.

Couldn't he just have burnt his Ikea catalogue and started an underground barenuckle boxing club?

Now where's my megaphone...

05 November, 2006 15:37  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

Well. I read it. It was like some kind of punishment, but I don't know what I did wrong in the first place (eaten 4 ginger biscuits, perhaps)?

But I foiled Comet - I didn't take any of it in! Ha!

05 November, 2006 17:19  
Blogger frangelita chimed in with...

I saw the Tower of London once. They were at the magistrates' court because they trashed some club in Cambridge. They did not look very hardcore pleading guilty to criminal damage, I'll tell you that. Didn't do any singing, either.

05 November, 2006 21:35  
Anonymous DavetheF chimed in with...

It's rather poetic.
We live electricals
must stick together
O how our rippling current
flows down to AC of light.

10 November, 2006 19:50  

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