Sunday, November 12, 2006


Yesterday, I went to have my hair cut and coloured.

It went well, and I am now proudly sporting two bright pink bits in my hair. It looks ace. The experience was, admittedly, slightly marred by the apparently dyspraxic shampoo-monkey who kept sticking her thumbs in my ears. It was slightly unsettling. It wasn't as bad as when she poked me in the eye, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. It wouldn't do to label people, after all. Maybe it's a new customer service technique that I was unaware of. After all, dentists poke around in your mouth, so why wouldn't a trip to the hairdressers incorporate a couple of painful digs to a person's ears?

While I was waiting for the colour to take, I flicked idly through an old copy of OK! magazine. Among the gushing sycophancy (Steve Brookstein's Highland wedding; Kate Moss and Pete Docherty - We're Quite Happy Really; Coleen McCloughlin's new tracksuit) was a new problem page, edited by Britain's favourite freak show, Jordan. I do wonder about the sort of person who, desperate for a fresh perspective, asks an over-inflated "glamour" model for relationship advice, but there you go. One of the letters was unremarkable in its subject matter. Same old same old - I think my boyfriend's dicking my friend, what should I do.

The advice, however, was a bit....confusing. I read it six times and still couldn't fathom what the bloody hell our Jordan was banging on about. I wonder if anyone can shed some light:

...You could always do some undercover work first if you want. Get hold of his phone. Go down to your name and edit it to put your friend's number in there and ring it, then you will know if he's got her number in there because if he does it's bound to be under a code name but the number will be the same. Then you'll have evidence if they have been doing the dirty.


It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. If you know your friend's number, why not just check the number listing on the phone? What possible purpose can editing your name to show your friend's number serve? Why ring it? All that proves is that you've rung your friend, surely? How is any of this "evidence"?

It's fairly well accepted that Jordan, while blessed with massive jugs and an undoubtedly shrewd assessment of the sort of image that inflates a girl's bank balance, is not going to be troubling the Nobel Prize shortlist anytime soon. It's also fair to say that I am the sort of person who occasionally forgets how to operate the tin opener. However, I really, really don't understand the thinking behind this advice.

Can anyone help? Sadly, it's likely to bother me until I figure it out.

Stupid brain.


Blogger mad muthas chimed in with...

maybe she meant to put her fingers in your ears - maybe she was frustrated by your insistence on reading crap magazines. you see, you just never know ...

12 November, 2006 20:02  
Blogger jromer chimed in with...

i have no idea. i'm with you.

12 November, 2006 21:13  
Blogger Huw chimed in with...

I read that four or five times, and no, it is tripe.

On the basis of this logic, Jordan should not become a spy. There are also numerous other reasons (e.g. being rather famous, having attention grabbing jugs, arranging childcare for Harvey whilst she was pretending to work in British Embassies across the world), but this is certainly one of them.

12 November, 2006 22:00  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Nope. Don't understand it at all.

Which just goes to show that Jordan is obviously MUCH cleverer than me.

12 November, 2006 22:36  
Blogger Annie Rhiannon chimed in with...

I understand it.

If you were to check the number listing on the phone, you'd have to go through every single number to find it. Some numbers can be quite similar, which can be confusing. But if you do it Jordan's way, the number will show up immediately.

I have actually done this, and consider myself the authority on the matter.

Another good trick is this: when you suspect someone to be fooling around with your boyf (as I like to call them in Teen Vogue manner), change your name on his phone to the girl's in question, and then text him a raunchy message. If he replies later with something equally raunchy, you've got him. If he replies with "My goodness, what are you doing texting me that kind of filth? I'm in a happy relationship, please leave me alone" then everything is okay.

12 November, 2006 23:20  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

I'm surprised you question the lovely Jordan's intellect given what a success she made of her singing 'career' ! Has anyone heard her duet with hubby Peter at their wedding ? Radio 1 simply can't stop playing it...

13 November, 2006 09:45  
Blogger realdoc chimed in with...

I didn't get it until it was explained above, but as you say the relationship between having massive whammers and an intellect is not well established.

13 November, 2006 15:47  
Blogger cuppa chimed in with...

'Fraid that Jordan is right you know. The girls at work mess with their phones all the time to 'test' their boyfriends and unfortunately for them most of the time they are cheating on them and they get to read the evidence for themselves.

13 November, 2006 16:15  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

this is what happens when you read the magazines in the hairstylists. the inane waves eminating from the prose mixes with the radioactivite mercury fumes from the perm solution and something. i gorfogt.
whem with hiehis mfghrins whthis1

13 November, 2006 17:26  
Blogger Patrick Dodds chimed in with...

I must be going to the hairdressers too often as I still don't get it.

13 November, 2006 22:12  
Blogger Huw chimed in with...

By golly, Annie Rhiannon is right! It does make sense! Jordan for PM! Annie Rhiannon as her translator!

14 November, 2006 00:13  
Blogger Pamela chimed in with...

Perhaps the fingers in the ears is a new relaxation technique? Although I imagine I'd jump every time the fingers hit my ears.

14 November, 2006 02:17  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

I still don't get it, but I am utterly hopeless with technology.

But I would never go looking at someone else's phone messages anyway.

Am I living in some sad 19th century moral universe all by myself?

14 November, 2006 13:33  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i still don't get it either. really.

14 November, 2006 14:45  
Blogger Rob chimed in with...

If I've got it right, the idea is that you ring number X and then if number X is already stored in the machine when you check the 'numbers dialled' it will show up the name in the phone book entry if there is one. I can't see the advanteg of editing your own entry though: surely if there are two entries in the list with the same number only the first one will be displayed, which could be you. But I can see how simply ringing the number would work.

15 November, 2006 17:13  
Blogger Mikey chimed in with...

it does seem an excessively Byzantine plan.

as far as I'm aware, if you manually enter a telephone number into a mobile 'phone then when you press the little green 'i want to talk now' button the phonebook entry (if any) will be revealed and from that you can discern whether the alleged co-respondent's number is saved in the 'phone under an alias.

surely that would be simpler?

then again, what do I know. both Jordan can write, but she has a million pounds AND massive tits, and I have neither. therefore she wins, and can say what she likes.

16 November, 2006 17:35  
Anonymous sooz chimed in with...

I can read all these clever explanations and they all run into 'blah blah blah' - I think I'd only get it if you showed me in person *sigh*

I have a theory about the hairdresser/fingers-in-ears process - she's either been told to 'put your fingers in your ears' when you don't like to hear a particular track - but she's not worked out whose fingers into whose ears! Bless!


She's bought some of those finger gloves and wants to test their stay-on-ability by putting them to the ultimate test - slippery shampoo, wet hair, deep ear-canals!

PS: I have just had 'word verification' with a u with an 'umlaut' on the top! wtf??? where on earth am I supposed to find that key???

17 November, 2006 12:09  

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