Important Safety Announcement
To all drivers:
Over the last twenty years or so, as technology, brakes, tyres and, well, cars in general have developed and become more advanced and much safer than they used to be, it has become apparent that puddles of rainwater on the public highways have become Very Dangerous Indeed and, as such, must be avoided at all costs.
If you find yourself driving in wet conditions, please remember that in no circumstances is it acceptable to drive through a puddle. This obviously applies regardless of oncoming traffic, or the ability of the person driving the car behind you to predict your movements ahead of you undertaking a sudden, breathtakingly dangerous manoeuvre. If you are approaching a dangerous half-inch-deep puddle that extends maybe six inches onto your carriageway, please take the following action:
Over the last twenty years or so, as technology, brakes, tyres and, well, cars in general have developed and become more advanced and much safer than they used to be, it has become apparent that puddles of rainwater on the public highways have become Very Dangerous Indeed and, as such, must be avoided at all costs.
If you find yourself driving in wet conditions, please remember that in no circumstances is it acceptable to drive through a puddle. This obviously applies regardless of oncoming traffic, or the ability of the person driving the car behind you to predict your movements ahead of you undertaking a sudden, breathtakingly dangerous manoeuvre. If you are approaching a dangerous half-inch-deep puddle that extends maybe six inches onto your carriageway, please take the following action:
- Panic
- Swerve wildly into the path of oncoming traffic (ensuring that you remember to display your intentions by invoking the Half Shrug With Attendant Well-There's-Nothing-I-Can-Do-About-It-But-I'm-Sure-You-Can-Think-Of-A-Way-To-Avoid-A-Collision-On-My-Behalf Expression)
- Brake sharply halfway through the above, in order that the car behind you has a chance to get in on the pant-shittingly exciting action
- If an oncoming car happens to spray water onto your windscreen, flinch so physically as to cause an incredulous mutter of "fucking twat" from the driver behind you
Once you have unsafely completed the above manoeuvre, signal your gratitude to drivers around you by offering a weak, shaky wave and fucking off down the nearest side street in order to avoid being beaten to death with a golfing umbrella and a 1998 copy of the AA Map of Great Britain.
Thank you.
posted by surly girl at 3:42 pm
10 Comments:
If there's a puddle in the gutter alongside where I'm walking, any vehicle driving past obviously has to swerve to avoid it, regardless of the threat to themselves, other drivers or other pedestrians.
Otherwise I'll put a brick through their window.
Don't worry your pretty little head about technical concepts like aqua-planing. ;-)
I aqua-planed once...70mph on the A14 and ended up rolling my car twice before landing upside down in a ditch. Quite an exciting experience so I reckon you should attack every flooded road at full pelt and see what happens !!!!
I also think the woman in front didn't know there was anyone behind as your cloaking device was switched on again so she hadn't realised there was an audience for her insane manoeuvres...
Doesn't Sat Nav allow you to avoid dangerous puddles?
Wifey's satnav seems permanently fixed in some bizarre "explorer" mode, linked to a national database of flooded roads and narrow lanes. Cool!
Alternatively if drivers have sproglets doing football, or more likely, rugger, remember to abandon cars such as to force collisions with oncoming vehicles, as then manly progeny have excuse to stage daring rescues.
less of the sexist stuff please Stef, some of us have rugger-playing daughters who would stage very efficient and organised rescues.
Why don't you do what every other women driver I've been with does, and just obliviously plough through every road based obstacle as if it wasn't there?
* Dons tin hat *
i'm not on about six-foot floods, or drowning pedestrians. it's more random people who skirt round tiny puddles as if they were tiny portals into hell.
which they aren't. i drive through puddles all the time, and i'm not in...oh. hang on.
I know this is an old post, but I have to say, that is one of the funniest things I have read in the whole of ever. I mean really, I'm crying. Yes, I've been up since 5am, but still. Dear God. HAHA. I think it's funnier because I've been the driver behind and the oncoming traffic (but I'm not retarded enough to actually do that).
Also, ever notice that these people are often driving 4x4s?
liam, i thank you. in fact, i think i might love you. please feel entirely free to tell all your friends how funny i am.
*shuts up*
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