Sunday, November 26, 2006

Important Safety Announcement

To all drivers:

Over the last twenty years or so, as technology, brakes, tyres and, well, cars in general have developed and become more advanced and much safer than they used to be, it has become apparent that puddles of rainwater on the public highways have become Very Dangerous Indeed and, as such, must be avoided at all costs.

If you find yourself driving in wet conditions, please remember that in no circumstances is it acceptable to drive through a puddle. This obviously applies regardless of oncoming traffic, or the ability of the person driving the car behind you to predict your movements ahead of you undertaking a sudden, breathtakingly dangerous manoeuvre. If you are approaching a dangerous half-inch-deep puddle that extends maybe six inches onto your carriageway, please take the following action:
  • Panic
  • Swerve wildly into the path of oncoming traffic (ensuring that you remember to display your intentions by invoking the Half Shrug With Attendant Well-There's-Nothing-I-Can-Do-About-It-But-I'm-Sure-You-Can-Think-Of-A-Way-To-Avoid-A-Collision-On-My-Behalf Expression)
  • Brake sharply halfway through the above, in order that the car behind you has a chance to get in on the pant-shittingly exciting action
  • If an oncoming car happens to spray water onto your windscreen, flinch so physically as to cause an incredulous mutter of "fucking twat" from the driver behind you

Once you have unsafely completed the above manoeuvre, signal your gratitude to drivers around you by offering a weak, shaky wave and fucking off down the nearest side street in order to avoid being beaten to death with a golfing umbrella and a 1998 copy of the AA Map of Great Britain.

Thank you.


Blogger Betty chimed in with...

If there's a puddle in the gutter alongside where I'm walking, any vehicle driving past obviously has to swerve to avoid it, regardless of the threat to themselves, other drivers or other pedestrians.

Otherwise I'll put a brick through their window.

26 November, 2006 19:36  
Blogger Murph chimed in with...

Don't worry your pretty little head about technical concepts like aqua-planing. ;-)

27 November, 2006 10:16  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

I aqua-planed once...70mph on the A14 and ended up rolling my car twice before landing upside down in a ditch. Quite an exciting experience so I reckon you should attack every flooded road at full pelt and see what happens !!!!

I also think the woman in front didn't know there was anyone behind as your cloaking device was switched on again so she hadn't realised there was an audience for her insane manoeuvres...

27 November, 2006 10:51  
Blogger Geoff chimed in with...

Doesn't Sat Nav allow you to avoid dangerous puddles?

27 November, 2006 13:43  
Blogger Stef the engineer chimed in with...

Wifey's satnav seems permanently fixed in some bizarre "explorer" mode, linked to a national database of flooded roads and narrow lanes. Cool!
Alternatively if drivers have sproglets doing football, or more likely, rugger, remember to abandon cars such as to force collisions with oncoming vehicles, as then manly progeny have excuse to stage daring rescues.

27 November, 2006 22:44  
Blogger Smat chimed in with...

less of the sexist stuff please Stef, some of us have rugger-playing daughters who would stage very efficient and organised rescues.

28 November, 2006 08:48  
Anonymous Mr Angry chimed in with...

Why don't you do what every other women driver I've been with does, and just obliviously plough through every road based obstacle as if it wasn't there?

* Dons tin hat *

28 November, 2006 09:41  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i'm not on about six-foot floods, or drowning pedestrians. it's more random people who skirt round tiny puddles as if they were tiny portals into hell.

which they aren't. i drive through puddles all the time, and i'm not in...oh. hang on.

28 November, 2006 19:04  
Anonymous Liam chimed in with...

I know this is an old post, but I have to say, that is one of the funniest things I have read in the whole of ever. I mean really, I'm crying. Yes, I've been up since 5am, but still. Dear God. HAHA. I think it's funnier because I've been the driver behind and the oncoming traffic (but I'm not retarded enough to actually do that).

Also, ever notice that these people are often driving 4x4s?

26 January, 2007 18:48  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

liam, i thank you. in fact, i think i might love you. please feel entirely free to tell all your friends how funny i am.

*shuts up*

27 January, 2007 19:25  

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