Important Safety Announcement
Over the last twenty years or so, as technology, brakes, tyres and, well, cars in general have developed and become more advanced and much safer than they used to be, it has become apparent that puddles of rainwater on the public highways have become Very Dangerous Indeed and, as such, must be avoided at all costs.
If you find yourself driving in wet conditions, please remember that in no circumstances is it acceptable to drive through a puddle. This obviously applies regardless of oncoming traffic, or the ability of the person driving the car behind you to predict your movements ahead of you undertaking a sudden, breathtakingly dangerous manoeuvre. If you are approaching a dangerous half-inch-deep puddle that extends maybe six inches onto your carriageway, please take the following action:
- Swerve wildly into the path of oncoming traffic (ensuring that you remember to display your intentions by invoking the Half Shrug With Attendant Well-There's-Nothing-I-Can-Do-About-It-But-I'm-Sure-You-Can-Think-Of-A-Way-To-Avoid-A-Collision-On-My-Behalf Expression)
- Brake sharply halfway through the above, in order that the car behind you has a chance to get in on the pant-shittingly exciting action
- If an oncoming car happens to spray water onto your windscreen, flinch so physically as to cause an incredulous mutter of "fucking twat" from the driver behind you
Once you have unsafely completed the above manoeuvre, signal your gratitude to drivers around you by offering a weak, shaky wave and fucking off down the nearest side street in order to avoid being beaten to death with a golfing umbrella and a 1998 copy of the AA Map of Great Britain.