Thursday, October 12, 2006

It's not all [your posh work simile here]

In the last week or so at work* I have:

1) Been pecked on the nose with a plastic robin. It hurt quite a lot. I was contractually obliged to smile and pretend that it didn't hurt. I wasn't very good at that part.

2) Via the fabulous medium of Black History Month, enjoyed Indian and African cuisine. Last week's potato and lentil curry was sublime. This week's plantain and okra, not so much. The Algerian lamb was nice though. Next week is, randomly, a Hawaiian menu. The Lovely Dinnerladies are digging a fire pit as I write. Probably.

3) Cleared a blocked document shredder armed only with a pair of scissors, a shatterproof ruler and a purloined canteen fork. I made sure I unplugged it first. During this extremely rewarding exercise**, The Most Annoying Man In The Organisation thought it would be hilarious to shout "BANG" in my ear. Given that shredders are not notorious for exploding, even when being poked with cheap cutlery, the joke fell a little flat. Wanker.

4) Learned that "I'll just finish this and then I'll help you with that" is, when offered by a Certain Colleague, shorthand for "I'll just dick around with this until it's time for me to go home and then I'll smile apologetically and let you do it yourself". Which is still better than her actually helping me, which has the net result of me doing it all over again, properly, as soon as she has finished.

5) Learned that I truly am an unpleasant, curmudgeonly misanthrope, no matter where you put me. I fucking love my job though. And if you're honest, you wouldn't want me any other way***.

* This post is not an invitation to speculate about where I work or the nature of my job. Please don't. I won't tell you.

** Seriously. Total satisfaction when the bloody thing worked properly again. I wonder if the principle of scissors, a shatterproof ruler and cheap cutlery would have a similarly rewarding effect on a Certain Colleague?****

*** If you cared, that is. Caring is not mandatory. I hate you anyway*****

**** Probably best not to test that theory. Until I've passed my probation, at least.

***** Not nearly as much as I hate myself, but that's pretty much a given by now, isn't it? Mwah.


Blogger zanna chimed in with...

I am most grateful for your unblocking shredder tips, that is my first job today, and I have put a fork in my handbag. If anyone shouts bang at me I shall poke them with it and think of you.....

12 October, 2006 08:30  
Anonymous bill door chimed in with...

Kid at our school shattered a shatterproof ruler. He's also been a bit of a monkey with the unbreakable plates...

12 October, 2006 12:40  
Blogger The Murphmeister chimed in with...

You are Anne Robinson and I claim my £10.

12 October, 2006 13:28  
Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

Are you with the Department of Elk Bothering?

12 October, 2006 22:01  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

Pecked on the nose by a plastic robin? It beggars belief - I'm wracking my brain to work out what on earth was going on in the work environment for that to happen - but no....I just can't fathom it!

12 October, 2006 23:03  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Shatterproof rulers were / are a myth. Everyone had one at school and what's the first thing we all did with them ? That's right, we broke them and then sat there for the rest of the week in a disillusioned grump !!!

13 October, 2006 08:44  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

I used to like the purply blue colour of my shatterproof ruler - and the shattery sort of font spelling shatterproof in a shattered jagged way. I'll get my coat.......

13 October, 2006 10:28  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

stunning display of footnoting there. Respect.

13 October, 2006 13:07  
Blogger Alias Lucy Diamond chimed in with...

That plastic robin has got to be a red herring, hasn't it?
Or are you working in Santa's grotto?

13 October, 2006 13:40  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Are the dinnerladies all dwarves?

13 October, 2006 17:56  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

I am so glad to hear that you're loving your new job. Honestly, I'm also glad to hear that you have at least one wanker there. Else, what would you rant about here?

13 October, 2006 18:13  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

well duh, surly; you work in a plastic robin manufactury. i've known that for months.

13 October, 2006 23:23  
Blogger Smat chimed in with...

please put us out of our misery about the plastic robin.

14 October, 2006 23:18  
Blogger tom909 chimed in with...

Surly, nice hook with this plastic robin thing, and you know you have to tell us eventually, so you might as well do it now.
You know this thing with there always being one arsehole of a person in any group of people - I'm kind of beginning to think it is some kind of immutable law of physics - you know, so even if you removed that one person, another would automatically take up that space.

15 October, 2006 09:45  

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