Sunday, September 24, 2006


From the personal ads in the Times, Saturday 23rd September, 2006:

CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST, protestant, seeks tall white lady, 50-70+, not into trousers, drinking, dancing, entertaining. Marriage only. Anywhere. Call me now on *****6805.

Where to begin?

I'm not entirely sure what the person placing this ad was thinking when considering the best angle to approach the murky waters of the personals. Which part of the above is the unique selling point? The fundamentalist part? The protestant part? The point where it all spirals into madness and a preference for more ladylike attire is a bonus? And what of those confusing commas? Is Miss Right supposed to possess, in addition to an air of haughty disdain regarding trousers, an aversion to drinking, dancing and entertaining? Or is a small sherry and a quick turn of the Gay Gordons acceptable, subject to lower-body clothing?

It makes you wonder, doesn't it?


Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

When I was a kid our 'holidays' consisted of an annual family trip to Donegal to stay with my Mum's two spinster aunts.

They didn't approve of trousers either.

I was in my teens before I realised that it was sheer torture for my mother. She had to hide her Smirnoff in the bedroom becasue they didn't approve of drinking.

(And we're not even protestants)

24 September, 2006 19:46  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

... um, "marriage only" - on the first date, that is?

24 September, 2006 19:47  
Blogger The Murphmeister chimed in with...

You might at least have published my complete phone number

24 September, 2006 21:32  
Blogger tom909 chimed in with...

Hopefully she's out there somewhere for the poor bastard. Imagine their first shag. Missionary position only. Oh dear me!

24 September, 2006 22:11  
Blogger Vicus Scurra chimed in with...

Looks like I wasted a good 30 quid there, then.

24 September, 2006 23:10  
Blogger Perry Neeham chimed in with...

Sorry about the lack of clarity, I had to knock that ad out quickly to beat the deadline in age discrimination.

25 September, 2006 09:30  
Blogger realdoc chimed in with...

I will guarantee that he's from Northern Ireland lots of fundamentalist, protestant, trouser-hating people here. One lot have banned line dancing as they think it's too sexy. Obviously they've not seen the line dancers I've seen.

nb word ver=ewdoa
yuck a dead person?

25 September, 2006 14:33  
Blogger toomuchgrief chimed in with...

Fundamentalist Muslim, 6'2", weak liver, seeking 27 virgins, not into freedom of speech,womens rights, skirts, bare flesh (no need to enclose photograph), no entertaining, no drinking, no parties, no dancing, no freinds, marriage only. Foothills, Pakistan. Call me now on .....

25 September, 2006 15:25  
Blogger AMS chimed in with...

Please send on his number - he sounds like my perfect match!

25 September, 2006 15:36  
Blogger Geoff chimed in with...

I think it's a piss-take.

Not "into" trousers sounds like a hippy to me, like "I'm not into that, man.".

I can't see a Christian Fundamentalist saying "I'm not into trousers, man."

Especially not advertising in The Times.

25 September, 2006 17:16  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

sounds like the type of ad the police put in when they're trolling for a 'black widow'.

25 September, 2006 18:34  
Blogger The Boy chimed in with...

There's naught so queer as folk. I imagine some old fella sitting by the phone, calling in every five minutes waiting for the deluge of calls.

Thing is, I bet he'll get some too. Though I sincerely hope not so many as he expects...

25 September, 2006 19:19  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

I love that age bracket ;50 to 70+
How old do you figure this guy might be? 90? They usually go for the young broads.

And Tom909? Missionary? I don't think any sex is on the agenda. Ever the optimist aren't you? :-)

26 September, 2006 01:45  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Sounds like a Rock'n'Roll household. He's selling it well, I'm tempted....

26 September, 2006 08:35  
Blogger the plate invigilator chimed in with...

Why "tall", I wonder? Unless he wants his wife to be a Christian Fundamentalist Supermodel. Or to do a really great job painting the tricky bits round the cornicing (while he looks up her (obligatory) skirt...)

I love reading these ads. Particularly the ones that request "discretion" - this translates as: "I hope you like meeting in Travelodges in the early afternoon".

26 September, 2006 09:50  
Blogger toomuchgrief chimed in with...

Portly but handsome millionaire bubble seeks taxi drivers for fun on the heath. Hampstaed area, must have own hair.

26 September, 2006 12:01  

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