Monday, August 07, 2006

Stupid Fucking Shoes*


I hate it when logic and medical science get in the way of a good rant.

For a few weeks now, the cult of the crocs has been insiduously creeping into the public consciousness, via the medium of celebrity magazines and those hideous, soul-sapping "lifestyle" channels up at the end of the Sky range. First impressions? They look pretty fucking stupid. The influence of celeb culture has finally gone a step too far. The Ugg boot, I was prepared to forgive. They look sort of cool (unless you are Sienna Miller, in which case buy some new shoes, start eating and stop being so completely, yet indefinably annoying), and don't have too much going on in the way of upping your Retard Factor. Except by now we're all supposed to have stopped wearing them, and now the hideous wave of retro eighties fashion seems to be ebbing slightly (and nobody is more grateful than I am. Not that I've been wearing that stuff, you understand. I'm old enough to have worn legwarmers and skinny jeans the first time round, and I can't imagine I'd look any better with the benefit of twenty-odd years on me) the door is open for a new, ridiculous trend.

And nothing is more suited to fill that niche than crocs. Like clogs for the sort of person who requires a padded helmet on social occasions, they come in every colour of the rainbow, presumably so you can look stupid while co-ordinating with any outfit. I understand the concept. It's all fine. If you work in a kitchen, or a hospital, or go sailing, then they're absolutely perfect. Waterproof, microbicidal, comfortable - just perfect for damp, humid conditions. Fine by me. However, what the likes of Teri Hatcher need to understand (and let's face it, are you going to take style tips from a woman so terminably daffy that she's forgotten that people need to eat to stay alive?) is that if you flaunt a pair while en route from your trailer to the set, you just look like someone got you drunk and sold you some shoes.

And they're everywhere. It's like a competition to see who has the worst taste, and everyone on lists D and down seems to be winning. And it's spreading. I saw someone in a pair (a bright pink pair, for the record) at my local Tesco the other day. She didn't look as if she'd come straight from theatre, or a yacht race, or the kitchens at Nobu or anything, but I could be mistaken. To her credit, she was looking slightly uncomfortable, but that might have had something to do with the incredulous looks she was getting, and the whispers of "what-has-she-got-on-her-feet?" that were following her round the store. I hope it was a lesson to her. I hope it was a lesson to all of you. I mean, if Reveal magazine suddenly started insisting that armbands and a sailor hat were the thing to wear this autumn, just because Cameron Diaz and then Jodie Marsh had been spotted out in them, would you adopt the look? Would you?

If you would, then we have nothing more to say to each other. And if you come to my house wearing crocs, I will ask you to leave them on the doorstep and then, while you are admiring my new patio, I will burn them, and then run them over, and then burn them again.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

* Alright, alright. Unless you are a surgeon, or a sailor, or a waitress, or a nurse, or a lifeguard, or a chef, or have bunions, or a bad back, or plantar fasciitis, or any other reason why they might be quite good from, you know, an orthopaedic point of view. They still look fucking stupid though and so, by definition, do you.


33 Comments:

Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

what bothers me is that I completely agree with you but nonetheless by some bizarre celebrity/media osmosis, I now quite want a pair.

07 August, 2006 19:35  
Blogger Smat chimed in with...

aah. oops. I bought some today in pale blue. I was simply going to slink away in shame, but then I read the end bit, and it's OK, I'm allowed to wear them because I have old lady bunions. Which is good because they're damn comfortable (the Crocs, not the bunions which hurt a lot). I have no pretentions towards fashion whatsoever, so can I be excused please miss?

07 August, 2006 19:51  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

GSE - me too. that's why i wrote the post, i think. stupid suggestibility.

07 August, 2006 19:57  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

smat - ooh. let you off. medical reasons and all....

07 August, 2006 19:58  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

i very much want to say that i don't think they've become quite as popular in the US as over there. But i have no fashion sense whatsoever, so i may be wrong. They're quite heinous in a matchy-matchy, look at me! way, aren't they...

They do look like they'd be quite good for gardening in though, eh?

07 August, 2006 20:11  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

I have an extremely elegant Italian friend visiting at present. When she noticed these in Office, she made it clear that no self respecting Italian would be seen dead in anything so fugly. I turned them over and saw 'Made in Italy'

heh

07 August, 2006 20:19  
Anonymous Stu Savory chimed in with...

I wear a padded helmet on social occasions, but that's because I am a motorcyclist out with my mates ;-)

So you see, there are rreasons for everything. Maybe even Crocs?

07 August, 2006 20:37  
Blogger Patrick chimed in with...

There is nothing to fear as they will be gone by Sept. Meanwhile, try not to look.

07 August, 2006 20:39  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

ah, but stu. you wouldn't wear it if you weren't on a motorbike, would you?

would you??

07 August, 2006 20:40  
Blogger tom909 chimed in with...

For God's sake don't tell me blokes are starting to wear them too! I'm beginning to feel a bit like my stepfather when he used to watch Top of the Pops.

07 August, 2006 21:59  
Blogger belladona chimed in with...

Don't worry, they are already in the sale in my local Barratts. Soon they will be gone. In the meantime however, like you I am both repelled yet attracted. I know they are horrible and something clearly made for a bet yet they are red and different. Oh dear. Though anyone looking at my shoe collection would know I have no taste.

07 August, 2006 22:14  
Blogger suburban wonder chimed in with...

Um, these things have been around for a while in the US. My parents bought Miss Peanut a pair to wear on the beach this summer - HOT PINK - and I forbade her to wear them anywhere else.

They look completely fugly. Agree entirely with you.

07 August, 2006 22:50  
Anonymous Beth chimed in with...

Never go to Denver. The makers of Crocs are from Colorado, and all Colorado residents have made it a personal mission to see this venture into a success. It's bizarre how many people are wearing them and where they can be purchased.
I left there after my last visit with a pair, and upon arrival home, realized that it's like when you're in Hawaii or some other tropical vacation, and you come home with a stupid bamboo hat or mumuu that seemed like a perfectly acceptable purchase in the strange locale.
Am having a run-on sentence problem.

08 August, 2006 00:05  
Blogger mig bardsley chimed in with...

Are they really really comfortable? where can I get some.
I was thinking pink on one foot and orange on the other...would I have to buy two whole pairs or do they sell them singly?

Or possibly orange and red?

08 August, 2006 02:09  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Dare I suggest it's only women who fall prey to such mass marketing scams ? Look at most normal blokes, we have one pair of black shoes for work ('cos black goes with every outfit) and when it comes to your casual beah attire its one pair of black flip flops...we don't need a different colour pair to match every single swimsuit.

See, there are times when it pays to be as simple as we are, it makes for an easy and stress free life !!!

08 August, 2006 09:21  
Blogger chendaberry chimed in with...

I like them. And they make you look like you have the slimmest ankles and most imposibly elongated legs. Go on, try 'em on, you'll see what I mean! Doesn't mean I have a pair though, they were sadly sold out in my size when I was in London and they don't have them at all in Berlin.. So you know where to go if you really want to avoid them.

08 August, 2006 10:33  
Blogger LĂ©onie chimed in with...

I think they look peculiar. Like you accidentally stepped in some very small buckets and now can't get them off.

I'm opting not to own a pair, but I am wary of being high and mighty about them because I recently purchased some jelly shoes and I think that I might therefore be banned from saying anything about anyone else's shoes ever, ever again.

08 August, 2006 11:58  
Blogger creepylesbo chimed in with...

Being a shoe fascist (seemingly) I agree that they are grim and some people really do need to stop listening to Heat and start paying attention to what the people they find attractive think.
Most men admittedly will not care because they'll be too busy staring at your tits anyway but I would like it on the record that clothes make the woman and I wouldn't EVER date someone who wore these. Even if they were Emma Kennedy.

08 August, 2006 12:11  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

People really will wear ANYTHING if they're told it's fashionable, won't they?

I am quite fond of flat shoes in general what with walking 5 miles a day, but plastic shoes are wrong, wrong, wrong...

08 August, 2006 17:48  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

Oh I'm so glad you did a piece on this. I hate them. They are a total bunch of wank. They take 'utility' to the extreme and sprinkle them with fashion colours to make them 'attractive'. When I first saw them someone at my MA class wore them and I just put it down to her being eccentric and forgetting that she had her 'gardening shoes' on. Oh was I so wrong. And the power of suggestion is so strong - I did actually pick a pair up the other day just to see what all the fuss was about. Still can't fathom it and that is amazing for the self-confessed shoeaholic that I am. I'm not going there now, soon or ever. The only thing they go with are possibly those plastic aprons that people have to wear in abbatoirs. The only reason for therefore manufacturing them in 'fun' colours is so that people in horrid jobs such as having to manually evacuate spinal cord (as above) etc can brighten other worker's days with them!

08 August, 2006 19:52  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i'd like to make it clear at htis point that when the OH talks about "different coloured flip flops for every swimsuit" he is in no way referring to the seventy quid excess baggage on my suitcase going to mexico last year (and that in itself was in no way related to the nine pairs of flip flops i took - they don't weigh anything..).

that is all.

08 August, 2006 19:58  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

*this* point.

arse.

08 August, 2006 19:59  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

yup. they just showed up over here and i saw a mother and baby duo wearing them. ug-leee? smell-leee? i don't care what they say; you spend a hot day sockless in anything plastic and ITS GONNA STINK.

08 August, 2006 22:22  
Blogger Smat chimed in with...

oddly enough they don't smell, which I'm quite surprised about. It's all to do with the holes apparently - I have to say it does feel a bit weird wearing "shoes" and feeling draughts around your toes though.

09 August, 2006 00:36  
Anonymous Stu Savory chimed in with...

@Surly,
I'd like to wear the padded MC helmet when reading you blog, just to protect myself when falling over and ROFL. But when I snort with laughter the gunge fills up the inside of the visor :-(

So I shall continue to read you naked*

* headed, that is ;-)

Stu

09 August, 2006 08:16  
Blogger Pashmina chimed in with...

It will not come as a surprise to hear that these godawful ugly shoes were much in evidence, on the feet of members of both sexes and a variety of ages, at the uber middle-class Fruitstock festival at the weekend.

Patrick is right, though, they're unlikely last much beyond the bank holiday (if ever a sentence were guaranteed to ensure their longevity and continued popularity, that was surely it).

09 August, 2006 14:30  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

I'm sorry. There can be NO excuse EVER for wearing these hideous hideous shoes.
They look like wellies that grannies cut down to wear when gardening.
Take them OFF and put them in the bin NOW.

10 August, 2006 13:27  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Sorry. I'm a day late with my comment. I've been away. I'm hormonal and angry with the world. !

10 August, 2006 13:30  
Blogger Pamela chimed in with...

My two youngest girls wear Crocs. I won't wear them. Plus, it was their father that bought them. Not me. Ha.

11 August, 2006 23:59  
Blogger Tabby Rabbit chimed in with...

I seem to see them everywhere in Boston - I thought they were a local curse. Nasty things.

14 August, 2006 14:57  
Blogger Stef the engineer chimed in with...

I wondered what the hell you were on about, and then this weekend at a regatta EVERYONE was wearing the damn things. No, well, two people. But this is the Midlands, and two people wearing the same item of vaguely outlandish clothing is a fashion wave here.

14 August, 2006 21:03  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

I am kinda cool - in a 'dont follow fashion' kinda way. I have crocs. They are the most comfy things to ever grace my feet. And I love their chunky sloppy unladylike form. I revel in the aghast looks I get from girly girls in their kitten heels.

21 August, 2006 14:11  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

Just. Can't. Countenance. Crocs....

30 August, 2006 20:45  

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