Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Your week ahead....

Hello everyone! It's Jonathan Cainer here! From the Daily Mail! I've done all your horoscopes for this week* and thought you might like to know what the universe has in store for you! To save time, I've just sort of lumped every sign together! After all, it's all the same anyway! Here goes!

You need to be stretched, challenged and taken out of a rut. Life is full of surprises. Be clear about this and it will be easy to deal with this week's dramas. Fallibility is inevitable. Mercy is desirable. Absent-mindedness is just plain silly! Are you starting to feel exhausted or exasperated? Rest if you can today. And don't be bugged by you-know-what. Don't think about it. Don't dwell on it. Don't go there. Rise above the silliness. Pay it no attention. Stay calm. Keep clear. And if you can't? Draw a veil over it. Blot it out. Disguise it. Don't torture yourself with burning yearnings. Draw a deep breath. Now draw another. Go on. It's free. What else in life is so abundant? Hope? Love? Comfort? All cosmic events are, after all, open to interpretation. You will have a nice week. Has anyone ever told you that you look fetching in a nurse's uniform? Perhaps you should wear one wherever you go. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can put salt in its food though. If you make your best effort, it will have some impact. Jackdaws, of course, seize on the oddest items with enthusiasm. Sweet wrappers. Tinfoil. Buttons. Don't bluff - and don't invite commentary either. You have travelled roads like these many times before. Poetry in motion? More like poultry in in motion. There's a lot of waddling and clucking going on in your world. A lot of squeaking and squawking, picking and pecking, fussing and faffing, scratching and hatching. That's what's happening. You want to see some grace, elegance, cohesion and continuity. This is no time to be chicken!

There! Super news, isn't it?! Ooh, and while I was channeling your new weekly prediction, something became very clear! Apparently, you have a "problem"! Call me on my premium rate phone number and I'll waffle on about challenges and waterfowl for a bit, play some whale music and charge you seven pounds! You know it makes sense! See you next week!

* Cobbled shamelessly together from the horoscopes in Britain's Shittest Newspaper, Monday July 24th, 2005. Seriously. How much do you reckon he gets paid for this drivel? Loads, I'll bet. Git.

21 Comments:

Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

[looks around to check really am first commenter AGAIN]

but help me out here? you lined paul dacre's wallet with your filthy lucre??

please tell me you picked up a copy that someone had thrown in the bin...pur-lease

other than that: hilarious post - i love it!

other than that: love it

25 July, 2006 22:04  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

am clearly hideous sycophant

how else can i explain the repetition of that last line?

of course, i could blame blogger (so modish)

:-)

25 July, 2006 22:07  
Blogger tom909 chimed in with...

When people ask me what sign I am I always lie, and then when they say 'I thought you were', I just think, you fucking twat!

25 July, 2006 22:25  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

see, the mail is a terrible dichotomy*. to buy it is to sneer. to not buy it is to miss out on the painful hilarity of the lifestyle "features".

what's a girl to do?

* i know this probably isn't a dichotomy. i'm not very clever though, so bear with me.

25 July, 2006 22:32  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

dichotomy?

is that what they do to stitch your bits up after childbirth?

whatever it is, it sounds gruesome and generally to be avoided

25 July, 2006 22:57  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

The Mail is filth. My mother reads it because she 'likes a tabloid in the morning'. I'd rather read The Mirror if I HAD to read a tabloid every morning - just for the wicked whispers gossip section alone. Dreadful.

25 July, 2006 23:26  
Blogger soph chimed in with...

wow, that is an amazing post...its like you can see into the future or something...you got everything that happened to me today spot on


and made me laugh hysterically. obviously.

26 July, 2006 06:03  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Fortunately we did not pay for this piece of trash, I was filling up a hire car with company money and chucked the paper in as I knew SG needed something to rant at.

Personally I'm a Sun reader, I accept there's little if any genuine news in it but at least it's entertaining and has good footie coverage !

26 July, 2006 08:58  
Blogger Jemima chimed in with...

There's a lot of wisdom to be found in the horoscope section, sadly, or not, it all comes from the reader. We know it's stupid to fret over you-know-what, and that being stuck in a rut is a problem but we shouldn't rush to embrace the new. WE KNOW ALREADY. Some people just need a reminder.

26 July, 2006 09:25  
Blogger frangelita chimed in with...

I hate the Daily Mail. But I'm definitely subscribing to Surly's vision of the future, it sounds like something I've been missing all my life.

26 July, 2006 10:40  
Blogger Arabella chimed in with...

I was doing coq au vin for dinner but now, I don't know...
what do your tea leaves reckon?

26 July, 2006 16:23  
Blogger crisiswhatcrisis chimed in with...

I went out with a journalist on a regional weekly rag once, many years ago, and she was late meeting me. Her excuse?

"I'd finished early and they made me do the horoscopes".

I read what she'd written, and you couldn't tell the difference from any other week.

I think they're all franchised now, but that doesn't make them right.

Lying bastards.

26 July, 2006 16:47  
Anonymous Stu Savory chimed in with...

On 911, the day the planes crashed into the WTC they hit EXACTLY the floor where a fortune teller's office was located. No, it was not empty.

Draw your own conclusions . . .

26 July, 2006 17:19  
Blogger The Boy chimed in with...

Can't speak to what Cainer makes, but Mystic Meg? You really really don't want to know, its depressing.

26 July, 2006 17:25  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

bitch, you got it! ooooooh, shit, that cracked me up!
yeah!

over here we have a new wave of horoscope going on thats all ironic and hip and quotes offbeat, wacky in-crowd sources. Oh, so humor is their funny laughing! yet so darned insightful!
all intelligent people need to base lifes' important decisions on a 300-year-out-of-date system of planetary movement that doesn't take into account the existance of Pluto. Just ask former president Reagan! (sad but true.)

26 July, 2006 17:54  
Blogger Heather chimed in with...

I hate, HATE the Mail. I will admit to reading the Mirror, but I also read the Guardian and the Observer and I like to think that balances out my tabloid indesgression.

Horoscopes are a load of phooey. Doesn't stop me from reading them though. The Metro's is particularly good. So totally random it makes no sense at all.

26 July, 2006 22:53  
Blogger Pan chimed in with...

tom909 - you said it.

Back in the day I studied astronomy at uni and the number of seemingly intelligent people I met at parties who after being appraised of this fact then said "Oh really, can you tell me my horoscope then" was staggering. And alarming.

26 July, 2006 23:14  
Blogger Mudlark chimed in with...

Spooky you knew I was a chook. That's so astroweird.

The best predictions I ever heard were on the TV filler before the Melbourne Cup horse race a couple of years ago. With utmost seriousness, they gave out the lucky numbers for each star sign. Apparently only Aquariuses won that year. Don't you just hate that?

27 July, 2006 09:33  
Blogger zanna chimed in with...

I have good friends who read the mail and my sole purpose in life is to stop them, but I read the Sun. Like other half says it has great football coverage and you know the rest of it is shit so it saves all the "but it said so in the mail" conversations. The latest thing I was told by one of my mail reading friends (if you're reading Cuppa I'm sorry) was that we must limit our tuna intake?!?!? Why? Do you know surly? Can you ask the planets for me? Great post tho, toes itching again x

27 July, 2006 15:42  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

Cainer earns £2 million a year

28 July, 2006 11:05  
Blogger DavetheF chimed in with...

At one paper I worked for, we cut them out of a kind of sheet at random and had them set (in the age of lead).

At another, they were written by a sub-editor who based them on what she thought of people in the office. She was a devout non-believer.

I can't understand why people read them.
'What's your sign?' is my cue to slope off somewhere else.

30 July, 2006 19:14  

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