1) The boy off the Frosties advert is NOT DEAD. Can you hear me, myspace kids? Not. Dead. He wasn’t beaten to death by a group of his peers (although he should consider himself lucky given the utter twattery of his performance. He makes me look like an accomplished actor, and I have the singular honour of having appeared in the Wickham Bishops Drama Club Summer Revue of 1982 [I was nine], doing a spastic dance in a pink dress that wasn’t done up at the back owing to me being too fat for it, while an ageing member of the Tennis Club sang “Thank Heavens for Little Girls” and stared lasciviously at my bottom), he didn’t commit suicide, he wasn’t stabbed, HE IS NOT DEAD. Please. Enough already.
2) I am making the Other Half cottage pie for tea. I was going to put “shepherds’ pie” but because I am such a complete pedant and somewhere on the autistic spectrum I couldn’t as I am using minced beef and not minced lamb and would therefore be lying. Incidentally, does anyone actually like turkey mince? I cooked some once and had to throw it away. It was grey, for crying out loud, and just smelled wrong. My brain couldn’t reconcile the smell of turkey with the sight of mince (well, it looked more like brains – all grey and wormy – but I wasn’t going to say that in case you were having your tea) and it just made me feel sick. Nasty.
3) My little sister gets married in two weeks and I don’t have a top to wear. I am also frighteningly poor. How do you think a Motorhead t-shirt might go down at a posh country wedding?
4) The Frosties boy? Still not dead.
5) I have now lost a stone doing Weight Watchers. This is marvellous news as it means a) I am more than halfway to my goal and b) I am living proof that, via the medium of WW, a person can drink six pints of strong lager on a Friday night and still lose weight. I should start my own slimming club! Yeah. For, um, bikers and alkies and that! It would be great! We could have our weigh-ins in the pub, and everything! It’s a guaranteed success – after all (and you know who you are, madam), if you get drunk enough, say….watching Dirty Dancing in the park or something, and are subsequently sick you can lose LOADS of weight!
6) We are out on the lash tomorrow. All day! Woo!
7) I can’t think of a number seven. Sorry.