Monday, June 26, 2006

Girls, the Trouble With

According to this article, fat, repellent soap-dodger Rik Waller is having difficulty finding a girlfriend because of his “fame”. Grubby sweatbox Rik (who didn’t win Pop Idol in 2001. 2001!!) is concerned that it’s really hard for him to “meet someone genuine who isn’t interested in me for my success”.

Rik. Rik, Rik, Rik. Let’s face the music, shall we (but let’s not dance – your heart might not stand the strain). It’s not your fame that’s preventing you from finding a lovely girl to spend your life with. You haven’t been famous since you were thrown out of ITV’s Celebrity Fit Club two years ago, for crying during the hundred metres race and refusing to stop eating chips. It’s not even your weight – there are plenty of man-mountains out there who are in happy, fulfilling relationships. I would suggest that the problem with your personal life stems more from an apparent aversion to soap, along with the petulant personality of a four-year-old who’s just been told to share his Lego, and delusions of grandeur that would have Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen feeling embarrassed for you.

I’ll never forget, Rik, the interview conducted with you when you crashed out of Pop Idol owing to a poorly throat. As you were ill, the production team came to chat with you over a cup of tea in your Mum’s kitchen. I presume you and Ma Waller knew of this visit in advance – did you not think to give the place a quick going-over with a J-Cloth? The image of you standing there, next to the white Argos kettle now covered in an off-brown film of deep-fat-fryer and Rothmans, is burned on my brain.

You are second only to Daniel “I sleep in a ditch, me” Bedingfield in the people-who-are-or-were-inexplicably-famous-despite-looking-grubby-and-as-if-they-never-wash-their-clothes stakes. Your demeanour is sweaty. You look to me as if you smell like the inside of an empty corned beef tin, with a hint of damp towel. And still you trouble the press with stories of unfulfilled romantic desires, of the perils of fame….of your conviction that the trouble with girls is their lack of morals rather than their sense of smell and preference for a man who might have changed his trousers in the last month (they always look like they’ll do another wear, don’t they Rik? But if you gots to sniff them to check, they really ought to go in the laundry).

Your stoicism in the face of public indifference is to be applauded. Your assertion that the innocence of girls you might meet via the glossy filter of the internet will swiftly turn to fame-hungry, tabloid-fuelled lust once they realise that you are, indeed, “the” Rik Waller is so deluded it’s almost fabulous.

Rik, I salute you!

Now bugger off and have a wash. Please. And take Bedingfield with you.

35 Comments:

Blogger zanna chimed in with...

goody I'm first! It was when he left celebrity fit club and tried to go it alone then put on about 2 stone in the first week that impressed me. Never really thought about his smelly trews tho, so thanks for that!

26 June, 2006 19:20  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

ah, always the way. they think there's something wrong with the women.

had an ex like that. thought he couldn't attract another girl because he was a "nice guy".
urm, no, is probably because you're weird and don't know how to do your own laundry.

26 June, 2006 21:29  
Blogger Katy Newton chimed in with...

Despite your laudable attempt to remain impartial in your writing, I sense that you are not a fan of Rik Waller. It is a hunch.

26 June, 2006 21:29  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

This is a bit embarrassing.

The first time I copped off with The Ex, he had a bit of a case of BO.

Not room-clearing, but still in need of a scrub.

(Look, I REALLY fancied him. God, I'm a twat)

26 June, 2006 21:31  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

spinny - s'alright, the ex hadn't been to a dentist in seven years and bit his nails up to the elbows.

i am floundering here as i didn't really even fancy him.

but waller? i just can't imagine any girl wanting to be with him on the basis of his fame - what with him not being famous and all. and he looks grubby.

ick.

26 June, 2006 21:50  
Blogger Donna chimed in with...

Nice one Surly :) I strive to be given the elbow for "refusing to stop eating chips". I'm saluting him too.

26 June, 2006 22:25  
Blogger Brookelina chimed in with...

I don't know how you found my blog, but I'm so glad you did. This was priceless.

26 June, 2006 23:29  
Anonymous kristy chimed in with...

Maybe his unit is just too darn big for the ladies to handle. Yes. I'm sure that's it.

27 June, 2006 00:16  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

HI SG :-) You may keep this loser on your side of the pond. ewww.

27 June, 2006 04:25  
Blogger Zippy chimed in with...

Pheroms!

Feroms!

Fearoms!

Uhhh (*consulting dictionary*)

(Hhhmm. We thought chicks dug sweat. And fat. And alcoholism. And herpes. Go figure . . . . Freud was right about women. Somehow. What'd he say?)

27 June, 2006 06:03  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

He makes Ron Jeremy look clean and that's saying something! It's a bit sad the way he really just can't accept that he isn't THAT talented which is probably why he didn't win Slob Idol in when? 2001? Blimey. Perhaps he should do a bit of skill transferring and go into breaking world records for pie-eating?

27 June, 2006 09:31  
Blogger LC chimed in with...

He's complaining that girls want him for his fame? Surely that's the whole point of wanting to be famous in the first place?

"Hmmm... I appear to be deeply unnattractive to the opposite sex. I shall become a famous musician, and then girls will want to shag me regardless of my enormous arse and poor hygiene, because girls are a bit odd like that. And then when I achieve this result, I shall complain about it! Ha!"

27 June, 2006 10:29  
Blogger Geoff chimed in with...

Excuse my ignorance...

Is the picture of Waller or Bedingfield?

27 June, 2006 13:35  
Anonymous Stu Savory chimed in with...

@Spinsterella,
maybe he was looking for a scrubber ;-) ?

methinks Rik Wollah is...

27 June, 2006 16:11  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

Daniel Bedingfield once talked to a wannabe musician for a couple of minutes and then signed-off with the encouragement: "See you in the charts!" which proves what a total twat he is.

Buit I am most partial to Natasha "One Hit Wonder" Befingfield.

27 June, 2006 17:13  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

she has a face like a horse, her brother has a face like a potato. fact.

27 June, 2006 17:53  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

They are both as boring and insipid as each other. Talentless drones that drone on incessantly. They shuold be banned from performing in public or ever releasing records again.

27 June, 2006 18:36  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

corned beef smell. Ech

27 June, 2006 19:03  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

Actually, could you utilise the previous post and run a book on him washing or something?

27 June, 2006 19:04  
Blogger CyberPete chimed in with...

But....but...but.... I had a big crush on Daniel Bedingfield. He didn't look dirty in the actual dirty sense. I'd offer to give him a sponge bath though.

Rik is just gross. It doesn't look like he showered all year. EW!

27 June, 2006 19:54  
Blogger tom909 chimed in with...

Come on girls; don't start getting picky!

27 June, 2006 20:32  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

Hold on, ladies, I never said she should sing.

Face like a horse?

27 June, 2006 20:35  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Is Stu Savoury calling me a scrubber??

(I wish)

Anyhow, I only wanted to say that I'd TOTALLY forgotton about that fat fucker till Surly reminded me tha the still exists.

As my poor mother says, "How do they actually GET to that size??)

27 June, 2006 21:37  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Wasn't there the threat of a third Bedingfield looming at some point. Natalie or Natalia or Nadia or something beginning with N?

Bleeding 'ell.

Face like a horse, voice like a comatose erm.. boring thingy.
So there.

27 June, 2006 22:19  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK chimed in with...

Wait a minute. I'm confused. I kind of get the impression that you like this guy, but I'm not sure. ;)

Never heard of him, but he sounds absolutely disgusting ...

28 June, 2006 01:09  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

normally i like hairy chubby guys. this unwashed bag of suet can go pound sand up his (doubtlessly hirsute AND canyonesque) crack. bleagh!

28 June, 2006 05:12  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

Harvey's one true failure,

28 June, 2006 11:31  
Blogger Heather chimed in with...

Ouch! Yes Waller and Bedingfield look a tad whiffy. Apparently Bob Geldof suffers from the same problem.

28 June, 2006 15:29  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

Bob's ok - I sat next to him once and he smelled ok - promise!

28 June, 2006 18:42  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i'd still do him.

ahem.

28 June, 2006 19:20  
Blogger fido chimed in with...

Brilliant, lets hope he reads this and then cries.

28 June, 2006 21:03  
Blogger Allan Scullion chimed in with...

Three pounds of shite in a two pound bag ;-)

29 June, 2006 14:30  
Blogger Heather chimed in with...

"Bob's ok - I sat next to him once and he smelled ok - promise!"

Glad to hear that Rockmother, I am quite fond of Bob. He does look like he could to with a woman to sort him out though. At least to iron his shirts, bless.

30 June, 2006 14:31  
Blogger Jemima chimed in with...

Glorious writing, as ever, makes me want to shout out how Britney looks like she needs an appointment with Monsieur Savon. A case of "I can't wash, I've had me make-up done".

01 July, 2006 14:43  
Blogger EmmaK chimed in with...

since he smells like an empty corned beef tin, with a hint of damp towel...I reckon he should advertise on the Internet for girls born without a sense of smell. No idea who Rik Waller is I'm afraid...all I know is I wouldn't date him if he was the last man etc. etc.

24 May, 2007 00:20  

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