Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Here comes summer. Bollocks to it.

Fat girls hate the summer. Fact.

See, the winter is fine. You get to wear big jumpers, and coats and things that you can hide under. Winter rules. But the summer? Meh. I am surrounded by skinny girls. Skinny girls in shorts. Skinny girls in vest tops. Skinny girls with no bellies or bingo wings, and I hate them. All of them. Every last skinny, lithe, effortless one of them.

I’ve never been what you might call slight. As a child, I learned the art of eating to pass the time during endless hours spent at the pub with my parents. From midday on a Saturday until (sometimes) eleven on a Saturday night, plus Sunday lunchtimes, from the age of around five until I was about twelve and permitted not to go any more, I filled my time with pub lunches, ice creams, crisps, peanuts, cheesy biscuits…anything to relieve the monotony of listening to old men telling dirty jokes and my mother ordering yet another dry martini and lemonade. But this isn’t the place for me to convey the utter, desperate boredom of being sidelined every weekend; suffice to say, I hated it.

So anyway, I was destined never to be skinny. Over the years I’ve gone from a size twelve to an eighteen to a size twelve, up to a fourteen and pretty much everywhere in between. I put on loads of weight last year (fat and happy), so I’ve lost a stone since Christmas, but am now stuck. And the weather keeps getting warmer and the prospect of feeling just ever-so-slightly uncomfortable and holding my stomach in all summer is too much for me to bear. It’s a real dilemma though, as I love eating. I really, really love it. I love lager too, on sunny evenings (and cold ones, and dark ones, and snowy ones and…well, you get my drift). Something’s got to give though, and so last week I swallowed my pride, put on my lightest clothes and joined the Cult of Weight Watchers.

I resent slimming clubs. I resent the enforced jollity, the conceit that we’re all just happy thin people waiting to be set free, the way you have to pretend to be pleased because Brenda-with-the-hips has lost three pounds this week when you know she deliberately put potatoes in her pockets at last week’s weigh-in so that she could go to that barbecue at the weekend and still look like she’d lost weight. It’s all sarcastic applause and simmering resentment, and it doesn’t sit well with me. Regrettably, neither does two extra stone (I was horrified), so I am religiously measuring out pasta and trying not to mind that fruit comes out of my daily points allowance. On the plus side though, every time I go running I accumulate four extra points that can be counted towards what is euphemistically referred to as “socialising”. Since I run three times a week, I get twelve extra points. And what do twelve extra points make? Six pints of Stella! Result!

It’s all so hopeless, isn’t it? Podgy, miserable women* gamely surviving on lettuce and fat-free dressing all week, so that they can put on ever-decreasing** sparkly tops*** and fall out of Chicagos****on a Friday night.

Still. You’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?


* I am one of them.
** A general trend, regardless of actual ongoing weight loss. Or is that just where I live?
*** Not me though. I’m strictly t-shirt and trainers, thank you.
****I would like to say that I have never been to a Chicagos in my life, but that would mean telling a lie. Terrible places. However, when my divorce comes through I plan to purchase an ill-fitting animal print top and maraud around our local one, cruising inappropriately young men. By the looks of it, that’s the law.

30 Comments:

Anonymous Whinger chimed in with...

On this side of the Atlantic, we have "Curves" which is a workout place for women. The workouts last 1/2 hour, and women across the nation are finding their nearest location.

I mention it only because the commercial has a bunch of overweight, somewhat-despondent looking women finding happiness during their Curves workout, all while Cher sings "This is the song for the lonely" in the background.

I find it highly offensive and intriguing at the same time.

Good luck with the exercise and all that.

16 May, 2006 20:04  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

you weren't asking for opinions. in blithe disregard of that fact, the following:
don't waste your life and your good humor doing this. be healthy, but otherwise to hell with the skinny morons whose only life achievements are having a single number dress size and marathon vomiting. when you are lying on your deathbed being fed through a tube do you think you'll be saying to yourself.."at LEAST i passed up that creme florentine' ?
*sigh* oldschool feminist.

16 May, 2006 20:19  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i hear you, but i'm shallow. i want to look nice in a vest top.

*sigh* oldschool airhead.

16 May, 2006 20:20  
Blogger garfer chimed in with...

Cut out the food and stick to Stella.

Twenty pints or so a day should provide all the calories that you require.

A bottle of vodka would also do the trick.

All alchies are skinny. It's the only way to go.

16 May, 2006 20:24  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

its a bloody annoying battle isn't it?


you are doing something right-exercising. So far I haven't been able to squeeze that in. Just can't make the emotional commitment to getting up at 5 a.m. That's about the only window of opportunity.

may your future hold nicely fitting vests and a minimum of jiggly bits.

16 May, 2006 20:41  
Blogger Donna chimed in with...

My best diet (in terms of weight loss) was red wine and Doritos (oh, and divorce) (and chatting up men on t'internet). Which is strange, cos you don't actually have to be thin for that, just have an all-sucked-in reasonable photo of yourself (taken at some distant point in the past).

16 May, 2006 20:45  
Blogger MJ chimed in with...

"Curves" is owned by Gary Heavin, a Fundamentalist anti-abortionist.

16 May, 2006 23:38  
Blogger Arabella chimed in with...

It doesn't sound much fun at all Surly. In fact it sounds like a regime that wouldn't have been out of place in one of those derelict asylums.
Food = points. Oy, if it's a choice between pudding and a pound, move a button over.
Sorry, I'll stop now. Is Chicago a night club, and if so is it possible to go with a lot of girlfriends for an irony night? Or would you get beaten up?

17 May, 2006 05:28  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Chicagoes, Arabella, is a hideous nightclub chain. Plays unbearably cheesey music and is, as Surly said, full of fat forty-something divorcees. You could try and go for an irony night, but it'd depress the hell out of you.

How do I know so much about it?

Look, I used to live in a small town, and it was the ONLY nightclub. OK?

BTW, I'm a size 12 and skinny. Is it all about perception?

17 May, 2006 06:03  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

I love my Surly Girl exactly as she is but will support and encourage her in these latest endeavours....especially the 6 pints of Stella on a Friday night !!!

17 May, 2006 08:42  
Blogger LC chimed in with...

Try to find time to excercise every day, even if it's only for 30 minutes. It'll make a world of difference. And I mean proper excercise, not gentle stretching - if you're not sweating and breathing heavily, it doesn't count.

Do it for a month, and you'll see.

17 May, 2006 10:50  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Chicago's rocks!
But only if you are really really drunk.
Yep.

17 May, 2006 10:54  
Blogger frangelita chimed in with...

I've only ever been to Chicagos when I was legally too young to be let through the door. And I had a *whale* of a time - looking, as I did at the time, like a foxy 16-year-old.

I too have a fear of weight-loss cults. That said, I'm trying to hypnotise myself thin which is perhaps even worse.

Oh, and Surly. T-shirt and trainers? Wot not trousers? Don't worry about people looking at bingo wings, they're going to be looking at your trouserless pins.

17 May, 2006 10:59  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

I lost a lot of weight once due to stress - I was a size 8/10, clothes looked better on me, etc., etc. Problem is, my bazookas disappeared. You can't have everything, can you?

I bet even if I lost masses of weight now I wouldn't get rid of the evil bingo wings, a family heirloom.

17 May, 2006 12:23  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK chimed in with...

Good luck with it!!

17 May, 2006 13:52  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

Ah, Weight Watchers.
Yep - i'm a member. I pay for it monthly in the hopes that i will someday soon get back on the wagon and start counting all of my points again. I doubt it will happen however, as i hate it. HATE IT. But don't get me wrong, i lost about 20 lbs. I just decided that i like eating dammit. More cake and ice cream, please...

17 May, 2006 14:13  
Blogger PI chimed in with...

The trouble with WW is they frequently change their system which does my ageing head in. I now do my own thing but find the points calculator and their recipe book helpful. I'm clinging desperately to a bonny size 12 - till my holiday anyway.
A glass of wine everynight, masses of fruit and veg, WW ready meals when too lazy to cook,no grazing EVER and lots of trips upstairs to check my puter.

17 May, 2006 15:02  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

I'm with you, sg.

I've got 2 stone to go as well, but keep going out (or in) for excessive amounts of beer and then consoling myself with a bag of crisps.
I'm flirting with SlimmingWorld ('cos I'm veggie and it's easier) but I'm currently on sabbatical.

Race you to your target weight.

17 May, 2006 17:07  
Blogger Arabella chimed in with...

You've made me think. Does anyone really look good in a vest top? Apart from Rab C. Nesbitt.

17 May, 2006 17:32  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

well crap. time to 'fess up. the only diet i EVER lost weight on (back when i was still a slave to the patriarchy *ahem*) was WeightWatchers. the structure was key for me.
but, what IC said. i'm losing weight now simply because i'm out gardening like a maniac, not because i gave up the refries.
AND I WEAR VEST TOPS! let the world revel in the sight of my flubbery bingowings! mwuhahahahah!

17 May, 2006 17:41  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

If I don't fuck up the link, I think you should read Miss Meep's tragi-comic take on her Weight Watchers experience.

17 May, 2006 18:01  
Blogger Huw chimed in with...

I hot footed it straight here after hearing about the McCartney-Mills split; I'm right in thinking you have 'opinions' on that particular union, aren't I?

But if diet tips is the order of the comment box, erm, I suppose my advice is... er... drink two pints of water before every meal; it'll fill your stomach and lessen your appetite. How's that?

17 May, 2006 18:29  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Apple cider vinegar

17 May, 2006 18:39  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

tonight's diet tip is: a glass of white wine is only 3 points and...um...it's wednesday.

i'm saving the mills-mccartney debacle until a day when i'm really pissed off and can give it hte treatment it so richly deserves.

so, you can expect that tomorrow then. fucking thursdays.

17 May, 2006 19:38  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

what are bingo wings?

17 May, 2006 19:47  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

those flappy bits us girls get on our arms - if you hold your arms out straight (and you're not madonna), they're the bits that droop down between your elbows and your shoulders.

stupid gravity.

17 May, 2006 20:04  
Blogger PI chimed in with...

Madonna can no longer wear sleeveless if she is going to move her arms. Trust me.

17 May, 2006 23:37  
Blogger Stef the engineer chimed in with...

Wifey in a "Slimming Worldie" (SW) and has lost stacks of weight, whilst seeming to eat enough to load a sizeable barge. All very scarey. However, it does mean that if you're now in "Weight Watchers" (WW) you and her are apparently mortal enemies.

I keep getting these weird visions of WW & SW members having a "West Side Story" style "Sharks v Jets" dance gang fight.

I'd pay to see that!

18 May, 2006 08:36  
Blogger Amanda chimed in with...

i seem to be getting enough exercise rolling around on the floor laughing at these posts!

19 May, 2006 00:25  
Blogger mig bardsley chimed in with...

It's funny SG but I always imagined you as one of those skinny vest top wearers making me feel like a fat fiftyish street obstruction.
You *sound* skinny at least!

20 May, 2006 02:39  

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