Thursday, April 20, 2006

Send me to my room. Now.

This afternoon at work I did a childish thing.

I went to the drinks machine to get the coffees in. The measure of how interminably dull a day is in this place is the number of times various people leap up with a cry of “I’ll get the drinks in!”. On a really uninspiring day, even I can be seen having a good old gossip with the lovely ladies at the other end of the office under the pretext of hunting and gathering refreshments for parched colleagues. In order for you to understand just how bored I have to be to do something nice for other people, please consider the startling statistic that, in the five years I worked for my last employer, I made the tea precisely twice, and I spat in someone’s the second time because he a) professed his astonishment that I was making tea again only three years after the last time and b) complained that the first one I made him was rubbish.

So anyway. This afternoon. Bored. Bored with wrestling with budget figures that Not So New Boss Anymore completely failed to provide before swanning off on a Caribbean cruise. Bored with not eating any chocolate. So bored that I was even bored with reading blogs. You know that saturation point you reach where you’re thinking I Just Can’t Look at Another Blog Without Screaming and then you’re all ooh! I wonder if anyone has replied to my comment on [insert your blog name here]? And you spend the whole afternoon trying to do some work but failing because by now your mouse hand is genetically predisposed towards firing up IE and browsing your favourites list even as your brain screams no!! I am turning to mush and besides, you’ll get the sack if you don’t stop surfing and do some work!!


So anyway, off I schlepped, tray in hand, to get the drinks in. Pressed my nose enviously against the glass of the vending machine and drooled a bit over all the horrible, overprocessed things in it that taste so good but that I Cannot Eat. Read the months-old notices on the bulletin board. Again. Contemplated setting the fire alarm off (just for fun. You know).

And then I saw it. The last plastic cup for the water cooler. I didn’t need that cup. I was getting hot drinks. I knew full well that if the springy cup-holding thing is empty you can’t have a refreshing cold drink. No. You have to wait for someone to come up from the post room with more cups. Except if you ring the post room and nobody is there, you might have to wait for ages. Or you could go down to the post room yourself. But it doesn’t help, you see. Because if nobody is there, you still can’t get any more cups. For ages. So there some hapless colleague might be, thirsty and bereft of cup. It would be a dreadful thing to take the last cup and put someone in that position, and of course I would never do such a thing.

Instead, I licked my finger, rubbed it round the inside of the cup and put it back.

See you in hell. Wheeee!


Blogger Katy Newton chimed in with...

"You know that saturation point you reach where you’re thinking I Just Can’t Look at Another Blog Without Screaming and then you’re all ooh! I wonder if anyone has replied to my comment on [insert your blog name here]?"

Why, yes. Yes, I do. I know that feeling well. I have been intending to do some Very Important Work since 2pm.

In fact I am going to start now. I'll just get myself a coffee first.

20 April, 2006 17:28  
Blogger Arabella chimed in with...

Choose your own handbasket:-)

20 April, 2006 17:30  
Anonymous Whinger chimed in with...

I find that equally hysterical and disturbing. But if the cup-user is as insane as I am, then he/she will run the rim under the boiling hot water dispenser before drinking.

I never claimed to be normal.

20 April, 2006 17:45  
Blogger tom909 chimed in with...

I can't go on reading stuff like this - I won't sleep tonight. How I remember how sick I felt doing pointless irrelavant tasks in the name of employment. If it was 1968 I would advise you most strongly to 'drop out, turn on, and tune in'. Alas it is 2006 and all I can come up with is, can't you marry a rich bloke and get out of that office.
Please don't tell me you are a civil servant - I'll be in danger of turning into a raging Tory if my taxes are paying your wages.
PS. Top marks for the square steering wheel by the way!

20 April, 2006 18:09  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

you are MY DOG!

20 April, 2006 18:17  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

Once had a job of such excruciating boredom that the only thing to look forward to was the printer breaking down and drinking coffee from the filter machine. Unfortunately it was very strong coffee and one day I started hyperventilating after about the seventh cup and thought I would die. Still, this was back in the dark ages before blogging. We made us own fun then, 'appen.

20 April, 2006 19:16  
Blogger Juggling Mother chimed in with...

ah well, it brought a little light into your life & they'll probably never know.

oh. You have what? That's pretty contagious then?


20 April, 2006 20:31  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK chimed in with...

You. Are. TERRIBLE!!! :)

20 April, 2006 20:40  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

They don't call you Surly Girl for nothing!!!

20 April, 2006 20:59  
Blogger rockmother chimed in with...

You are SO terrible although I can't talk as I've spat in a bosses coffee once as he complained my third attempt wasn't 'frothy' enough so on the fourth attempt I damn well made sure!

I'm obviously a lunatic anal retentive as I never use the plastic cups on the water dispenser - I always find a nice clean real glass and use that. Oh no - I think I've just given you an idea.....

20 April, 2006 21:01  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

At least you'll be nice and warm in Hell. We can throw stones at Icarus as he attempts (yet again, boring bastard) to get airbourne!

See you there ;)

20 April, 2006 21:44  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... chimed in with...

It's always better with urine; however I love any passive aggressive shit like this. LOVE IT! Yet, secretly glad we don't work in the same office:)

You should check out the tuna treatment post I did a week or so back. It's precious.

20 April, 2006 22:11  
Blogger frangelita chimed in with...

Oh crap, you just described my exact office routine. Err, except the cup thing, I've never done that (but only cos my office is too small and everyone would see...)

20 April, 2006 22:42  
Anonymous The Girl Behind the Partition chimed in with...


Part of me wants to ask you what time this was so I can work out if I'd had my last drink of the day before you did this but the other ( vain ) part of me will forgive you anything as I think I qualify as "one of the lovely ladies at the other end of the office"! And also I can't talk. I was made redundant from a job once but asked to work a month as "it was Christmas and January sales and we were busy" so I spat in my bosses tea every morning and afternoon for a whole month without fail. And for two weeks of that I had a chest cold! So whatever gets you through the day Surly Girl, whatever gets you through the day....

20 April, 2006 22:49  
Blogger mig bardsley chimed in with...

You are a Wicked Woman!
I hope you remembered to wash your hands never know what the last person did to that cup.

21 April, 2006 00:15  
Blogger shiftclick chimed in with...


21 April, 2006 01:40  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Have now had to do panicky mental calculations to reassure myself that I didn't get that cup...

Girl behind the partition - you know that she's only referring to you as lovely ladies because she knows you and grob will read this!

21 April, 2006 07:31  
Blogger Donna chimed in with...


21 April, 2006 09:44  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

Just one of the many reasons why I have my own cup. Not that I work with you or anything (clearly), but I wouldn't put that sort of behaviour past any of the nogoodniks 'round here.

21 April, 2006 09:53  
Blogger The Boy chimed in with...

On behalf of bosses everywhere I am appaled, appaled do you hear? I shall be posting a note to HR immediately! The first stage gentle chat, non formal, undocumented disciplinary action shall begin!

Then again, I've got a few more blogs to look at first...

21 April, 2006 09:58  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

Oh dear. I've known worse than that, much worse.

21 April, 2006 10:18  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i'm afraid to ask, yet i Must Know.

do tell, wyndham.

21 April, 2006 10:49  
Blogger Interpreter Pavlov chimed in with...

Work? Office? What IS all this? Some kind of penitentiary?

21 April, 2006 11:43  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

you are AWFUL!!
The scary part is how indiscriminate you are. It was totally random... not for anyone in particular.

You are the worst kind of criminal.


21 April, 2006 13:38  
Blogger Moo chimed in with...

Naughty Surly, but terribly funny!!I think that's the reason why I have my own mug and glass at work!!

21 April, 2006 14:25  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

I can't on a Family Blog.

It involves a hysterical foul-mouthed tyrant, a lunch-run, a sandwhich and a pair of underpants.

21 April, 2006 15:22  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...


hand up who wants the full horrific story?

*waves hand madly*

21 April, 2006 15:41  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

*waves both hands*

21 April, 2006 16:06  
Blogger Moo chimed in with...

**Waving frantically!**

21 April, 2006 17:30  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

*both hands*
*goonybird waving both hands too in imitation of grandma*
*dog wagging, has no clue*

21 April, 2006 20:25  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

Come on, people, it can't be too difficult to out two and two together, particularly when it involves a hysterical foul-mouthed tyrant, a lunch-run, a sandwhich and a pair of underpants.

21 April, 2006 21:18  
Blogger DavetheF chimed in with...

Great Expectorations. I have no anecdote, but this has cheered a miserable git up.

21 April, 2006 22:07  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

You Brits treat your bosses differently than do we former Colonials. If we find our bosses have been money grubbing, self-interested tyrants who have put themselves and their shareholders above the common good, we pay them to go away. In fact, we recently drove out one such lout, the chairman of Exxon Oil Company, by dangling a mere half-billion dollar retirement package in front of his beefy, booze-pocked nose. And he took it, the dense bastard!

21 April, 2006 22:55  
Blogger Zippy chimed in with...

We get rid ourselves of our politicians in similar fashion, though it's a bit more elaborate.
First, we vote (or term-limit) them out of office. Then if they have anything like ambition, they get hired by special interest groups (or what you people call "corporations") and then they proceed to the next step.
Second, these said special interest groups (or what you people call "corporations") pay them obscene amounts of money to muck about for a few years after which they are retired with even more obscene amounts of money. Like Dan just explained to you.
What, are you Brits just dense, or do we Yanks have to show how to do everything, like get in a fecklessly pointless war?
Whatever happened to London Calling?

22 April, 2006 06:35  
Blogger Zippy chimed in with...

SG: I apologize. I'll shut up forever. hic

22 April, 2006 06:37  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Waves belatedly, but frantically.

We might be able to work it out, Wyndham, but soooo much funnier to read about it.

22 April, 2006 10:27  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

ooh, little bit of politics. thanks for raising the tone, dan and zippy.

oh, and zippy? a little more water with it, maybe?

22 April, 2006 18:03  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy chimed in with...

Exactly the kind of thing I do on a regular basis.

Too regular.

22 April, 2006 23:11  
Anonymous Zippy chimed in with...

First it's a little more water, next, I suppose, you'll be wanting more ice? Where will it end? A larger glass?

*skulking off to freshen SG's drink*

23 April, 2006 00:55  
Blogger Zippy chimed in with...

*stumbling back drunkenly with more water*

I've found myself, Miss. See? Isn't cyberspace wonderful?

aND i WON'T TALK ABOUT THAT irAQUI WAR NO MORE, NO I WONT talk about that Irqui war no more

(OK. Let's hear a big cheer for all those who could identify who wrote the original song those lyrics COULD be sung to???)


How 'bout the name of the song?

I'll check in when youand I are back from church.

(Can anybody help me with the nymic translation of the sound we make when we say "oooo" ut we have a glottal "uuu" to it? Hey, I may have just figured something out here.

Miss, Miss, Wake-up, I'm bored, Miss! (Didn't I just say that I wouldn't ever . . . . Sorry, SG and company.
Never feed a stray . . . .

23 April, 2006 11:18  
Blogger Paul chimed in with...

Thanks for your kind words about the Barlow-related shennanigans I my Blog. Who the heck are you? I like your fucking writing.


23 April, 2006 23:22  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

Zippy...back in your cage!

24 April, 2006 02:19  

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