Surly Girl: Now in her 34th* Award-Winning** Year
Happy birthday to me,
Now I am thirty thre-ee, (you have to stress the “am” otherwise it won’t scan)
Happy birthday to me.
Gifts and compliments (particularly those relating to how I don’t look a day over twenty five) in the comments box, if you don’t mind.
*awaits barrage of insults*
* Before you start, this does make me thirty three, not thirty four. Honest.
** Yes, award-winning:
- Spacehopper Race (2nd, 1978)
- Country Dancing Badge (Brownies, 1981)
- Bronze Lifesaver Award (1982)
- Featured on page eight of the Maldon and Burnham Standard for breathtaking performance in lead role of “Runaways”, (ill-advised school play written and scored by fourth year music teacher ) “….Surly effortlessly captured the ennui and frustration felt by every member of the audience as this stilted embarrassment lurched helplessly towards its disappointing conclusion” (1988)
- F grade German GCSE (1989)
- Lowest Score Ever Recorded (3%) on an AAT Exam Paper (1990)
- Best Heckling at an Amateur Performance of the Rocky Horror Show (Civic Theatre, 1993 - “…fuck you!!” to the Narrator on being told to sit down and shut up owing to being drunk and irritating)
- Forklift Licence (Reach Truck, 1998)
- Largest Ever Library Fine that Doesn’t Result in an Amnesty from the Library and an Amusing Story on Page Nine of the Daily Express (£32.60, 2005 – present)
- So shut up.