Here I go again...
....but not on my own*. Not this time.
I'm sitting here in what, by Saturday, won't be my living room any more. For the past eighteen months this flat has been a haven for me, the first place I called my own after leaving behind seven years of marriage to the Ex. When I first moved in here I would sit in the living room smoking spliffs and chatting with the Other Half on msn into the small hours, tentatively laying the foundations of our relationship even as I knew we could never be together in any real sense. The Other Half and I snatched moments here when we could, but they were always tinged with guilt and sadness, and he would always eventually have to leave. When he was gravely ill following his brain haemorrhage, I spent endless nights weeping on the sofa, making all sorts of deals with the universe that I would stick to if only he would live. He did, and as time passed and circumstances changed we made this place a sort of home for both of us as best we could, or wanted to. We've spent pretty much the last year living between his house and here, knowing that at some point in our future we'd make a real home of our own. This was years in the future, as far as I knew - there was much ground to be covered before any sort of move could be contemplated. Small Person has always got on famously with the Other Half, but I knew that he would really have to be sure before committing to living with us, and I just didn't let myself think further than the immediate future.
But the time became right sooner than we thought. We saw the house and fell in love with the house and bought the house and now it's the week we move and, desperately excited though I am, my feelings are mixed. The Ex systematically ground every ounce of independence from me and I don't want it to happen again, even as I know damn well it won't. Since moving here I've loved the freedom of deciding what I want to do, and when I want to do it. I've chosen my own path and, for the most part, I've loved doing so. Small Person and I have become extremely close as a result, and that is invaluable to me. In my rational mind I know that living with the Other Half will be like closure for me. I've found my soulmate, the man I am meant to spend the rest of my life with and I can't wait to get started. He loves me unconditionally and would never dream of telling me what I could or couldn't do. My life will remain unchanged, apart from the fact that I will be sharing it every day with the two people I love most in this world. So why am I so scared?
I've thought a lot about this over the last week or so, and it comes down to this: I am afraid of what we have being subsumed into the conflicts that living together can bring. I am afraid that the things the Other Half loves about me won't be able to outweigh the things that will drive him mad. In short, I don't want the love that we have to be overtaken by bitching about who puts the bins out, or whether it's my turn to put the laundry away this week. I of course understand that there will be an inevitable settling down; I just want to put it off as long as possible. I don't want to go from being his escape from day to day life, to being the reason he needs to escape.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm scared. It's going to be okay though, right?
* I was going to footnote my apologies to Whitesnake for ripping this lyric off, but since David Coverdale hasn't yet apologised to me for the 1987 remix album I don't think I'll bother.
I'm sitting here in what, by Saturday, won't be my living room any more. For the past eighteen months this flat has been a haven for me, the first place I called my own after leaving behind seven years of marriage to the Ex. When I first moved in here I would sit in the living room smoking spliffs and chatting with the Other Half on msn into the small hours, tentatively laying the foundations of our relationship even as I knew we could never be together in any real sense. The Other Half and I snatched moments here when we could, but they were always tinged with guilt and sadness, and he would always eventually have to leave. When he was gravely ill following his brain haemorrhage, I spent endless nights weeping on the sofa, making all sorts of deals with the universe that I would stick to if only he would live. He did, and as time passed and circumstances changed we made this place a sort of home for both of us as best we could, or wanted to. We've spent pretty much the last year living between his house and here, knowing that at some point in our future we'd make a real home of our own. This was years in the future, as far as I knew - there was much ground to be covered before any sort of move could be contemplated. Small Person has always got on famously with the Other Half, but I knew that he would really have to be sure before committing to living with us, and I just didn't let myself think further than the immediate future.
But the time became right sooner than we thought. We saw the house and fell in love with the house and bought the house and now it's the week we move and, desperately excited though I am, my feelings are mixed. The Ex systematically ground every ounce of independence from me and I don't want it to happen again, even as I know damn well it won't. Since moving here I've loved the freedom of deciding what I want to do, and when I want to do it. I've chosen my own path and, for the most part, I've loved doing so. Small Person and I have become extremely close as a result, and that is invaluable to me. In my rational mind I know that living with the Other Half will be like closure for me. I've found my soulmate, the man I am meant to spend the rest of my life with and I can't wait to get started. He loves me unconditionally and would never dream of telling me what I could or couldn't do. My life will remain unchanged, apart from the fact that I will be sharing it every day with the two people I love most in this world. So why am I so scared?
I've thought a lot about this over the last week or so, and it comes down to this: I am afraid of what we have being subsumed into the conflicts that living together can bring. I am afraid that the things the Other Half loves about me won't be able to outweigh the things that will drive him mad. In short, I don't want the love that we have to be overtaken by bitching about who puts the bins out, or whether it's my turn to put the laundry away this week. I of course understand that there will be an inevitable settling down; I just want to put it off as long as possible. I don't want to go from being his escape from day to day life, to being the reason he needs to escape.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm scared. It's going to be okay though, right?
* I was going to footnote my apologies to Whitesnake for ripping this lyric off, but since David Coverdale hasn't yet apologised to me for the 1987 remix album I don't think I'll bother.
posted by surly girl at 8:43 pm
17 Comments:
It's going to be amazing.
Well it will if he helps with the washing up and all that. (No real worries as he seems Enlightend, that OH.)
Even if he doesn't, it will be just short of amazing.
Do have a good move, and here's to your new house!
:Raises champagne glass.
i can understand your nervousness given all you've been through with the ex, but i feel sure it will be fine and dany
forgodssakes, this is the man who BUYS HIS PARTNER SHOES UNPROMPTED!!
what could possibly be wrong with a man like that??!!
um, fine and danDy
Good luck Surly. Make sure you've got enough bubble wrap for the move.......And I'm sure once you are in there, and living with him, you'll wonder what you ever worried about.
It will be just fantastic. I wish you, SP and OH every luck and happiness (not least because I am about to do the same thing with my OH and her three). It will work out, because you all want it to.
Pass that champagne over here W, I reckon we should all toast the Surly future.
Yes indeed! Here's to Surly and her two best people.
A huge and exciting adventure. It will be wonderful.
He's your soul mate...sure yu'll annoy each other from time to time..but nobody is perfect! He loves you for all you are right now...and that will never change. You 2 are meant to be...so enjoy every moment of the start of your new life!
Being a little scared is only natural!
Anyway, the sooner you move in, the sooner you have your house-warming party, right?? ; )
Deprived microwave-less friend.
you should have been quicker off the mark, missus...
Mmmmm...I know, at least I offered you money though, unlike some of those other vultures! Pure greed! Hope your less-stressed today?
It's all right to be scared. And of course it's going to be okay.
*platonic virtual hug*
I'm sure it'll be wonderful! Being scared is just part of the deal, isn't it?
Well, I thought I'd never be able to live with anyone "because of the way I am" but now I'm hear 10 years later and dead happy and it's the best thing that's happened to me. When you meet "the one" it just seems to work out. All the best. The champagne has run out so I'll crack open a bottle of surgical spirit.
How embarrassing ... pretend I never said any of the stuff above, okay?
Upon moving, just remember to label the box containing the tea pot. And the bottle opener.
Wonderful times ahead for you, so all the best
Good luck, of course. feel the fear and do it anyway. That's bravery, that's living a life worth living.
I suppose the thing to remember, when his toe nail clippings are embedded in your fluffy mules sending you loopy, and your plugging the kettle in the wrong way is driving him insane is that you both want to be happy and with one another. I find recognising that helps drain the colour from disagreements quite quickly. It's unreasonable to expect no trouble in paradise (I'm such a cynic) so I hope you remember why you're there!
Hope the move goes smoothly: I'm out of surgical spirits, so I'm raising a glass of vinegar to you three.
Jx
SG hasn't told you I'm the obsessive compulsive one so in my world there is no such thing as toenail clippings, they just don't exist, I won't permit them !!!
Also if it's not a right angle then it's a wrong angle...still wanna move in hon ???
In all seriousness I have no doubts that this will be the most rewarding experience of my life, especially if the last 18 months are anything to go by. I'm happier than I ever thought possible and that is entirely due to my lovely Surly Girl xxxxxxxxxx
You've said it yourself. You know damn well you won't lose your independance and OH is your soul mate and you both want to spend the rest of your lives together. And SP is happy with him too.
And besides, now you're 33, you know your own mind :)
You've chosen to be happy. Just keep doing it.
I raise my glass to all three of you.
Of course it's going to be all right. You are armed with experience.
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