Sunday, February 12, 2006

Warning: this is a post about fruit

The thing of it is though, that I really do hate apples.

Perhaps hate is a bit of a strong word. Perhaps an irrational loathing of fruit is symptomatic of some deeper issue (let us not forget that this is the mind that brought you fear-of-drowning-while-drinking-a-glass-of-water, and the hitherto unexplored fear-of-posting-car-keys-when-posting-a-letter-to-the-extent-that-keys-must-be-put-in-pocket-and-checked-before-allowing-hands-anywhere-near-the-postbox. I mean, if I posted my keys, what on earth would I do? Who do you tell? Who would help (especially if, as I secretly also fear, I have also posted my mobile phone, wallet/purse/thing, and rational mind)?).

Whatever. The truth of the matter is that I can’t be bothered with eating apples. I mean, where’s the fun? They are cold. The skin gets caught between your teeth. There are random fluffy warm brown spots and you can’t tell where they are until you have bitten into one. There might be insects in there, for crying out loud. And they don’t even taste every nice, and you have to work hard to eat one, and besides, they aren’t made of chocolate, or fish and chips, or peanut butter on white toast, or Wimpy quarterpounders with cheese and that gorgeous orangey-coloured burger sauce that looks so vile but tastes so good, or anything else that I CAN’T EAT because of the stupid diet I’m on. Stupid diet. Stupid me for spending the whole of last summer eating pub food, curries, chocolate and many, many Pringles. Stupid me for drinking gallons of lager. Stupid, stupid me for not only not losing the weight I put on in Mexico last May, but for going on to gain another, horrifying, nine pounds!! My god, it’s a wonder the Other Half hasn’t drugged me and smuggled me off to have a gastric band fitted.

Oh, and another thing, while we’re on the subject. I quite like bananas but I don’t like to eat a banana where anyone can see me. If you are as sad and creepy as me you will have observed that boys are allowed to peel a banana and just pop it in their mouths without a sudden shift in the attitude of any passing member of the opposite sex. With girls, it’s different. You try sitting in a meeting with six male colleagues and eating a banana the boys’ way without an outbreak of sniggering and innuendo. I am sometimes tempted to do exactly that and then shout “for god’s sake, I’m not sucking a COCK here!!”, just to scare the crap out of them. But I’m really not that brave and so, if I find myself in the unenviable position of eating a banana in public, I do it like the girl that I am. You know the one, ladies. Peel the banana, break a bit off and eat it, making sure not to make eye contact with any men while you do it. Honestly. It’s like Victorian England in the boardroom of a Wednesday morning.

I am now secretly quite concerned that once I turn my mind to it I seem to have rather a lot to say about fruit.


Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

**embarrassed not to have any such well-formulated opinions on members of the fruit family**

ooh, and welcome back!

12 February, 2006 17:09  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

oh, and

**excited to be first (two) commenters**

12 February, 2006 17:09  
Blogger JonnyB chimed in with...

*snigger* she ate a banana...

12 February, 2006 17:12  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

Yay, the banana eating sleazoid is back!! :-)
You DO have quite alot to say about fruit sg.

12 February, 2006 17:42  
Blogger bedshaped chimed in with...

Is this not a similar situation to when guys eat a Cadbury's Cream Egg?
Either a finger goes in there to do a kind of scooping action, or it's straight in with the tongue.

12 February, 2006 17:44  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Yay - she's back!

Anyhow, yeah, fruit's a bit crap. Especially apples. Apart from in sunny foreign places when it's all delicious, for some reason.

12 February, 2006 18:24  
Blogger patroclus chimed in with...

Hahahaa - that's how I eat bananas too (breaking bits off, I mean). Because I also work in (actually, am Evil Overlord of) a team of boys. Gendered approaches to fruit consumption: discuss.

Lovely to have you back, btw. I think it's my turn to disappear for a bit now.

12 February, 2006 19:23  
Blogger Geoff chimed in with...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Bollocks. I'm still a hypochondriac after 15 years of eating the things. And as for the dentist...

12 February, 2006 19:30  
Blogger garfer chimed in with...

Apples are crap.

Cider is excellent.

Strange that.

12 February, 2006 21:19  
Blogger 30-Something chimed in with...

My oldest nephew said recently that apples should be called bins because that's where they belong. Oddly, it's the only fruit he likes but that's 5 year old's logic for you.

12 February, 2006 21:19  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

my most prolix rant was largely to do with fabrics that annoy me. not to worry.
SO glad you're back!

12 February, 2006 21:23  
Blogger Smat chimed in with...

Bedshaped - there's still "girl issues" about eating a Creme egg - I haven't had one since 1997 when I was told I was turning on both sexes (for different reasons).
Can't be doing with the hassle really.
And glad to see you're back SG.

12 February, 2006 22:38  
Blogger mig bardsley chimed in with...

I think, if anyone sniggered at me eating a banana, I'd show my TEETH before taking the next bite.
Oh dear, maybe I need therapy.
Glad you're back anyhow.

13 February, 2006 00:07  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK chimed in with...

About the bananas, boys can be so juvenile!!! :)

13 February, 2006 05:32  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Yes we are but lets face it, it's fun to watch a woman struggle to eat a banana and maintain her decorum !!!

13 February, 2006 08:44  
Anonymous Dave F chimed in with...

Never mind the bananas, here comes the asparagus. I once saw a woman in a restaurant manage a wonderfully obscene ingestion of that highly suggestive vegetable.

13 February, 2006 08:53  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

um, mussels look like fannies.

just thought i'd add that.

13 February, 2006 09:26  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Thanks for that....

13 February, 2006 09:39  
Blogger crisiswhatcrisis chimed in with...

I really, really like mussels. Read into that what you will, if you must.


Now I'm going to be thinking about fannies next time I have them, dammit.

13 February, 2006 09:48  
Blogger Who is this Dave? chimed in with...

I eat an apple every day. Pink Ladies are what I currently have in my fruit bowl. They're very sweet.

Make of that what you will.

13 February, 2006 09:53  
Blogger the Beep chimed in with...

Yes, but the thing about apples is it takes as many calories to eat one as they contain. A weight neutral fruit. And that has to be good.

as is seeing you back, btw.

13 February, 2006 09:55  
Blogger I, like the view chimed in with...

thought that was celery?

see, that's why Waldorf Salad is perfect (for a dieter): apples and celery - no cals, loads of roughage - plus walnuts (very good for your mental health, so you feel great about being on a diet) and lots of dressing (so it all tastes good)

bit like mussels really

13 February, 2006 11:15  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

but celery is the devil's poo. nobody should ever, ever eat celery. it tastes vile and the texture scares me. i propose a worldwide cull of celery.


13 February, 2006 11:23  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Celery has to be the most pointless of all foods. It looks horrible, smells awful and tastes of very little so why does it exist ?

Now chocolate, that's a whole different matter yummmmmmm...

13 February, 2006 11:34  
Blogger I, like the view chimed in with...

ah, true but. . . this time last year I was a size sixteen+, a year on of eating celery/apples/walnuts and I'm a size twelve-

(a very sad and hungry size 12, but none the less. . .) (actually, I can't put it all down to the celery, but I'm sure it helped)

*great that you're back*

(gosh, the other 'alf is on the ball today!)

13 February, 2006 11:46  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

Strangely enough, after a lifetime of staying the fuck away from celery, I have recently become quite partial to it. Apparently, if you eat it with coffee it burns calories lijke nobody's business.

But rhubarb. You can fuck right off with your rhubarb.

13 February, 2006 12:09  
Anonymous jk chimed in with...

I feel quite ashamed to add this, but I love apples. And rhubarb. And carrots actually. (But stay away from me with your damned cucumber)

*quickly runs away*

13 February, 2006 12:15  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

If only celery did taste of very little. Evil in a stick, it is.

Surly, didn't you know that the polite way to eat a banana is with a knife and fork? That way, if anyone sniggers in a male way, you can just jab the fork into it very very viciously.

13 February, 2006 12:24  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

I'm glad you came back. Your irrational fear of posting things made me laugh. Sorry. Must be quite vexing...

I used to like bananas but they turn to slime as soon as they're in my mouth which I now find vile.


13 February, 2006 12:30  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

who knew people had so much to say about fruits AND vegetables? amazing.

Celery and rhubarb should both be subjected to a worldwide cull. Oh, and Okra....ewww.

13 February, 2006 15:40  
Blogger Sherbert chimed in with...

Glad to see you're back SG - carry on!

13 February, 2006 16:02  
Anonymous Arabella chimed in with...

If you can make it into a crumble and pour custard on it, it is a good thing. So that deals with celery nicely, I think.

13 February, 2006 16:06  
Anonymous Whinger chimed in with...

Oh Yay she's back!

If I must ingest a banana, it has to be at home or somewhere where my teeth can be immediately brushed. The feeling it leaves is quite furry.

Apples are OK -- just too much work, really.

Agree with UC that celery is the devil.

13 February, 2006 17:02  
Blogger Fulltiltredhead chimed in with...
I'm in no way affiliated. They are just the very best apples I've ever eaten in my life, and if they don't convert you, then there really is no hope of your ever liking an apple. If you get some and you don't like them, I'll ... eat a banana on the subway, from the peel.

13 February, 2006 19:33  
Anonymous Stu Savory chimed in with...

Would you like to try my Vietnamese grapefruit?

See to get the joke ;-)

13 February, 2006 20:10  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

wait, what did Wyndham the Triffid say about celery and coffee? Is that true?

I hate celery with a fiery passion, but if they make coffee good for me, i'll change my celery-hating ways..

14 February, 2006 04:08  
Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

haha I found this while randomly googling "celery is the devil" (LOTS of hits btw.. people agree) but I read the whole thing. How amusing! I greatly dislike apples because of a random childhood trauma involving being forced to consume half a blender full of apple mush and artificial sweetener combo.. and you're quite right about the banana thing (from what I've seen. I cannot STAND the taste of banana or even artificial banana.. ICK) but the tables are turning in our favour! Men are now pointed and giggled at as well... we aren't "growing up" as a society.. but at least we're leveling the playing field.

01 October, 2006 04:17  

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