Monday, February 13, 2006

Strung Up

Now then. Madonna. Madonna, Madonna, Madonna. Where to begin?

My relationship with Madonna is a complicated thing. Where once I would sneer at her from the depths of my teenage obsession with Iron Maiden (I sneered at most things, actually, and it’s only by looking at some old photos that I now realise what a total twunt I looked. I still love Iron Maiden though. Yeah! Maiden rock! Etc, etc......), as I’ve grown older I’ve become able to look back with something approaching nostalgia at the old days. I’ve given her the benefit of the doubt (because of course, she cares about my opinion) throughout the pointy-bra phase, the weird-eyebrows-and-marlene-dietriech-references phase, the ooh-look-I’m-just-such-a-hippy-these-days-isn’t-it-all-fabulous phase, the cowboy thing, the geisha thing (with flip-flops and socks - nice) and most of her other incarnations. Her acting aside, she’s not such a bad old bird. I love the randomness of her attempt to reinvent herself as a genteel English rose, and it’s always nice to hear her accent veer wildly around depending on whether she’s giving a British or American interview. The thought of her writing childrens’ books is a bit weird, and you can keep the whole red-string mystical nonsense. But on the whole, me and Madonna are doing ok. Until I realised that I really can’t cope with the sight of that woman in a leotard for another second.

Okay, so I understand the need to reinvent an image according to current fashion. The whole eighties revival is, for some reason, in full swing (this is another thing I don’t get as, as far as I remember, the eighties were a fashion wasteland and were responsible for me being photographed in legwarmers and a batwing mohair jumper). The video for Hung Up was fair enough, for those who like their icons waving their arses around at an advanced age (see also Mick Jagger, although so far he’s spared us stretch gym wear, for the most part). But now it seems that Mrs Ritchie has decided, at the ripe old age of sixty three, that any public appearance must involve her showing me her scrawny inner thighs. And I don’t want to see them any more. Enough with the leotards already. Just. Enough.

So thank you, Madonna, for bringing us a back catalogue of polished pop. Thank you for being so laughably bad at acting that Keira Knightley has had a chance to become famous for coming off like Dame Judi Dench by comparison. Thank you for your endless wittering about Kabbalah, your odd choice of husband, those photos of you looking about nine hundred and forty seven in your tracky bottoms, your scary eyebrows and your just plain bonkersness.

But please, please, for the sake of my sanity, PUT SOME BLOODY TROUSERS ON, WOMAN.


Anonymous Anonymous chimed in with...

Hear hear.

13 February, 2006 20:09  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

Christ, that new video is very gynaecological. With those "one size fits all" leotards I should think she is suffering from recurrent yeast infections too. All in all, just thinking about it makes my eyes water.

As old women would say, "put it away dear, we've all got one".

13 February, 2006 20:18  
Blogger LC chimed in with...

My theory* is that the hideous leotard thingy is intended as a knowing wink to the video of the Abba song that she nicked a sample from to use on this track.

*Disclaimer, this theory may not actually be mine, but may in fact be 'stolen' from a friend who knows about this kind of stuff.

13 February, 2006 21:02  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

if it was just the hung up abba sample thing i might be a little more relaxed. but the new video (with the requisite laughably stilted talking-in-foreign at the start) features about fourteen different leotards, and i'm starting to lose my sense of humour. that's all.

13 February, 2006 21:08  
Anonymous Whinger chimed in with...

I still love her, leotard and all.

13 February, 2006 21:27  
Blogger garfer chimed in with...

I think you should start a 'Oi, Madge keep your keks on!' petition.

It's just plain undignified.

13 February, 2006 22:20  
Blogger frangelita chimed in with...

*looks embarrassed* I have a leotard. From my gymnastics days. But I don't wear it out in public, I promise.
As for Queen Madge, the sinews scare me quite a lot.

13 February, 2006 22:42  
Blogger longcat chimed in with...

when she was on parky her arms really freaked me out...

odd, loose, flappy,

i had to ask myself whether she'd always had funny arms... famously muscled as she is...

not right that woman...


13 February, 2006 23:13  
Blogger First Nations chimed in with...

*cracking up too hard to type*

14 February, 2006 00:08  
Blogger claire chimed in with...

As awful as the legwarmers were, its better than the current 13 year olds who walk around with their thongs showing. The thongs purchased for them by their mothers, that is.

Imagine what they're going to say about those photos of themselves in 20+ years...

14 February, 2006 03:37  
Anonymous kristy chimed in with...

Yeah, all that, but, I'm sorry, the thought of Madonna writing children's books has got to be some form of reportable child abuse.

14 February, 2006 07:22  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Bugger, there goes my surprise Valentine's present...anyone want an unworn, bright lilac leotard ?

I've tried it myself but can't seem to capture the whole mad buddhist look...I just don't think I've got the figure for it.

14 February, 2006 09:27  
Blogger the Beep chimed in with...

saw the video last night and can I just borrow your esteemed blog, please Surly, to say to Madge that the 'purple with boots' look was bad, but this is worse. A 45 (yeah, right) year old streak of sinew with thighs the thickness of her waist is decidedly unsexy.

There, I feel better, and I know that Madge will take the criticism and come bouncing back with a better look.

14 February, 2006 10:10  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

I think she's trying to look like The Green Goddess. Which can only be a good thing.


14 February, 2006 11:11  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

She was great when she was controversial. Madge? Great, my mum can't stand her!

Now she just bores the arse off me. And I think my mum now thinks she's 'all right'. She's turning into Cliff Richard.

She can wear a leotard if she wants. She can write books if she wants.
I don't give a stuff.

14 February, 2006 12:17  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

Well, she is always entertaining anyways. ITs time to start wearing some clothes though.

14 February, 2006 15:59  
Anonymous CyberPete chimed in with...

From leotards to fake British accent to really really bad French in Sorry. I'm sorry but that's enough, it's enough I say. Looking up Madge's old hooha is too much. If she doesn't put on a pair of knickers I'll never buy a Madonna album again. Well, not sure I would anyway.

Oh welcome back Surly babe! Bless you and your hate of apples. Ditto!

15 February, 2006 20:09  

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