Wednesday, January 11, 2006


So anyway, my stepsister’s twenty-somethingth birthday party was on a hot August Sunday afternoon. I was nineteen or twenty, and my super-straight boyfriend and I drove over to her house to join in the celebrations. As I wasn’t driving home, I drank a lot of beer. There were also a couple of spliffs going round, and as the boyfriend was dead set against that sort of thing I had a few sneaky tokes while he wasn’t looking. Except it was super-strong grass and by the time we were ready to leave I was completely and utterly wasted. On the way home, we drove through the village I grew up in. It was about three years after I’d left home, and while approaching my childhood home I noticed that the bungalow next door that my godmother lived in had gone, and that a detached house now stood in its place. Being off my face, I decided that the best thing to do would be to go and knock on the door of my old house and see if they knew what had happened to poor old Auntie Win.

The nice lady who opened the front door was most sympathetic as she explained that poor old Auntie Win had died the year before and that the new house had only been up for a couple of months. I explained that I used to live in the nice lady’s house, and at this point I can only assume that her judgement was as impaired as mine, as, despite the fact that it was 6pm on a Sunday afternoon and I was dishevelled, wobbly and reeking of beer with my eyes rolling around in my head like balls in a bingo machine, she invited me to come and have a look round the house to “see what they’d done with it”. Naturally I enthusiastically accepted, and regrettably I have almost total recall of what came next.

The following twenty minutes or so saw me stumbling round my childhood home (trailed by a panicky boyfriend), loudly exclaiming at how much SMALLER it all seemed than when I was little (funny, that), and variously hiccupping and bouncing lightly off the walls. On seeing my childhood bedroom I was, like, astonished to see that the nice lady’s small son’s bed was exactly where mine had been and went on for ages about how totally, like, weird that was, convinced that some sort of universal synchronicity was at work. By now the nice lady’s face was sort of frozen in a rictus of fear, and the boyfriend was almost in tears as he cheerfully suggested that perhaps we ought to be off now.

I don’t even think the nice lady noticed me falling down the stairs on the way out, so relieved was she that we were leaving.

The horror.

Carry on.


Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Somehow, I was actually expecting something worse.

11 January, 2006 13:08  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

We'll only remind you of it when we really really want to piss you off (or when we want money..)!
You scallywag :)

11 January, 2006 13:24  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

precisely. I was expecting vomit or other efluvia

11 January, 2006 13:41  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

there, there, it wasn't so bad sg. That's what we expect of 19 year olds. You've got nothing to be ashamed off. Now, some of us commenting on yesterday's post....we will carry on squirming in shame for the rest of our lives!!

11 January, 2006 15:23  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

it probably doesn't seem so bad but it's just one of those things that i can't believe i actually did. what was i thinking?

it's definitely worse than the time i ate a poppy seed roll before a training course and spent the day smiling at strangers with black teeth.

11 January, 2006 15:31  
Blogger crisiswhatcrisis chimed in with...

You win. I disagree with everyone, I think it's awful. I would never get out of bed ever again if I'd done that. The shame.

Am I helping, at all?

I've blanked out everything that I did in my youth while in a similar condition, fortunately. Apart from the time that I burst into a toilet cubicle in a pub with the vomit already spurting through my fingertips, and threw up copiously in the lap of the bloke already sitting there. Which I'd forgotten until now. Thanks, GSE.

11 January, 2006 16:58  
Blogger JonnyB chimed in with...

Yes, I agree with crisiswhatcrisis. It's terrible. You're a disgrace.

I think you should go back and apologise, even after all these years. Perhaps late on a Friday night.

11 January, 2006 17:18  
Blogger the Beep chimed in with...

Reminds me of a time on hols in Antigua. Rum and coke with white rum (70deg proof) and some very pure and very wicked weed. Went to the loo, and the relief was fantastic. I can remember the feeling now. Only small problem was I forgot to take anything out of the trouser area. And there was a queue to use the single facility. I blotted what I could and then did a kind of side shuffle into the garden pretending I needed another joint. As if - I was bolloxed already.
Thanks for reminding me of that one SG. I had forgot it.
Thank God it was hot. I dried. Eventually.

11 January, 2006 18:00  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

I agree, that story is bad and truly excruciating!
Poor you, stumbling round the house of not the happiest of childhoods with a shocked lady in a pinny trailing behind you.

11 January, 2006 18:10  
Blogger Whinger chimed in with...

I read this with one hand over my eye, fearing at any time there would be vomit.

So glad there was not.

The poor woman. I bet that story has been told one or fifteen times.

But I agree with Kellycat and Kyahgirl -- could've been MUCH worse.

11 January, 2006 18:12  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

I once replied excitedly and loudly to a beardy Canadian backpacker in a bank in Florence who told me he was off to 'Dante's house', "Ooh, do you know someone who lives here then?"

11 January, 2006 18:13  
Blogger GreatSheElephant chimed in with...

I once threw up into my briefcase on the tube. Food poisoning.

11 January, 2006 18:32  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

You mentioned your then boyfriend being "super-straight" - were all your other boyfriends a bit gay then?

Christ! I can barely read the word verification. Looks like "hit you fluzy" but think it's "hltjifzy". We'll soon find out...

11 January, 2006 20:30  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

Yay! It was!

11 January, 2006 20:30  
Blogger Meegan chimed in with...

The nice lady is probably still telling the story of the drunk girl who showed up and took a tour of her home. Maybe she's blogging about it.

11 January, 2006 23:55  
Blogger garfer chimed in with...

Oooh, is that it!

The least you could have done is nick her pension book.

Most un rock 'n' roll.

12 January, 2006 00:25  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

Oh God, I'd totally blocked this one out, but when I was 14 I threw up on a bus which was rammed with other teenagers, including a boy I fancied.

I'd been experimenting with cigarettes. This is the main reason why I have never taken up smoking.

(I'd also had about half a tin of beer and some, um, solvents)

12 January, 2006 09:49  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

I have a fairly gross story involving vomiting and diarrhoea which I thought I might share with you. After all, my real identity is a closely guarded secret and none of you will ever meet me ...

But no. I just can't bring myself to tell it.

12 January, 2006 10:16  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

spinny - solvents?! shame on you!

betty - i demand that you tell me now. no-one else is listening. honest.

oh, and by super-straight boyfriend i mean he didn't like drugs AT ALL, or drinking too much, or anything that i liked really. and he was ginger. and i was going to marry him. ah, fickle youth....

12 January, 2006 10:20  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

right. this is a final call for crisiswhatcrisis (view through my window blogger) to SWITCH OFF COMMENT MODERATION. i just saw a post saying nobody's commenting - well, i've tried about 3 times now but unless you either allow the comments or switch the bloody thing off you're never going to know if people are trying...

carry on.

12 January, 2006 11:19  
Blogger the Beep chimed in with...

I've commented there too - nothing. And I was nice and all...

12 January, 2006 11:52  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Free Web Site Counter
Counters Who Links Here