Panic
I'm a bit scared about the whole bird flu thing.
I know it's irrational. I know it's nothing more than scaremongering on behalf of the media who, the Daily Mail aside, ought to know better (I exclude the Mail from the knowing-better thing as they clearly don't and there's really no point getting all worked up about it as they'll just blithely continue with their random country-set poison pen journalism). I know that next year we'll all be worrying about meteors, or giant cockroaches intent on taking over the world, or pig measles or something but for now it's just giving me a vague feeling of unease. I've read The Stand, you see, and since I am highly suggestible and have a turbocharged Worst Case Scenariometer constantly running in my head, I need something to take my mind off it.
So, in the spirit of cheerful things to think about, please step up to the comments and offer your most embarrassing moment. If I get enough, tomorrow will bring you the story of the worst thing I ever did, ever.
Carry on.
I know it's irrational. I know it's nothing more than scaremongering on behalf of the media who, the Daily Mail aside, ought to know better (I exclude the Mail from the knowing-better thing as they clearly don't and there's really no point getting all worked up about it as they'll just blithely continue with their random country-set poison pen journalism). I know that next year we'll all be worrying about meteors, or giant cockroaches intent on taking over the world, or pig measles or something but for now it's just giving me a vague feeling of unease. I've read The Stand, you see, and since I am highly suggestible and have a turbocharged Worst Case Scenariometer constantly running in my head, I need something to take my mind off it.
So, in the spirit of cheerful things to think about, please step up to the comments and offer your most embarrassing moment. If I get enough, tomorrow will bring you the story of the worst thing I ever did, ever.
Carry on.
posted by surly girl at 10:17 am
44 Comments:
When I was 21 I got very, very drunk at the company Christmas party. The company laid on coaches to drive everybody from the office to the secret venue for the party in the early afternoon - but one of my work-chums got hold of the venue, and so a bunch of us decided to have a warm-up session in the local pub, and then get a taxi over to the party. So, six pints of Stella later, the bunch of us conga'd our way into the party, in front of 200 of our colleagues whilst the MD was in the middle his speech. This was just the beginning, add to this a couple of bottles of wine and lots more beer over the course of the next five hours and you should be able to form an idea of how the rest of the party went.
My most embarassing moment was the following Monday morning, when my boss and the head of the HR department served me with a written warning - in a glass walled meeting room in full view of all of my colleagues. And then I had to do the walk of shame, across the office back to my desk.
Is that all?
I expected better from you LC.
I'm going to have to come back to you on this because I think I've blanked all mine out.
Although getting in the school showers with my bra still on was probably one of them...
I need to think about the embarrassment but in the meantime, don't play or let SP play with dead chicken heads and I think you'll be OK.
Mine was as I think you'll know, the only time I ever asked a guy out. Having had a massive crush on him for about a year I took the brave step of suggesting a date. It transpired that I was the only person in the whole of our group who didn't know he was gay. He was really sweet about it which made it much worse and I never saw him again. Still makes me cringe.
BTW, what are the exact symptoms of bird flu i.e. is it something that might help me lose weight?
Bird flu is the least scary disease since SARS (remember that?) which was the last time the Daily (hate) Mail got their knickers in a twist about a disease. Yawn yawn.
I'm slightly surprised that no-one has made the obvious and tasteless joke about Turkey being the name of a bird. Maybe we should avoid going on holiday to Gander (canada), Goose Green (Falklands) and Crowborough (Berkshire) as well.
Or Pigeon St (CITV).
Or Robin's Island (Mandela's Prison).
Or Great Tit (Jordan).
*tumble weed*
here's one. I'm sure I'll think of others.
I was interviewing a young fellow to be my assistant back in the days when I had a real job and not much of a sense of humour. He was doing very well and I was minded to give him the job. Then my boss cut in with, "GSE likes to belly dance. She took off all her clothes at the Christmas party and belly danced on a table."
The young fellow did not get the job and I handed in my notice straight after the interview. They had to really beg to get me to stay.
I fall over a lot too, often in front of people I want to impress.
When I went to Alton Towers last year and had to be asked to get off a ride because I was too fat to get the safety bar down. It was a circular ride with all of the other 30 or so 'riders' all looking on.
Do you remember that flesh-eating disease? About 6 or 7 years ago, I think. It was going to kill all of us.
I wonder if Athlete's foot is the first sign...
Got Athlete's foot, SG?
I gave the man my coat at a 'do'. He then informed me that he was a fellow guest, and not the man who takes the coats. He was also the only black guy in there, so naturally I followed up with a David Brent type 'oh God, it wasn't because I thought...' etc.
I still have nightmares about that.
That and the time I was doing really well in a job interview before the guy interviewing me pointed to the lady who was going to be my boss and told me that she liked taking all her clothes off and belly dancing. I didn't know where to look or what to say. I didn't get the job.
Best man's speech. Lost nerve. Simply toasted the bridesmaids. Sat down. 20 years ago. Still embarrasses me today.
Donna's is good though.
Bird Flu. It COULD be scarey: it will take +2 months to develop a vaccine from the time it is first isolated in its human to human form (whihc has not occured/been isolated yet). It could do a lot of damage to a lot of popel in a lot of countries. You only have to look at how seriously every country other than this is taking it, e.g., Gemany and France, and the WHO. They are worried. So am I. And I know a little bit about it.
popel = populations of people in lots of countries. Perhaps
the thing about the bird flu I don't get is the comparisons everyone draws with the 1918 pandemic. That was right after WW1 - surely everyone was weakened by war, shortages etc? In general, in the West at least, won't most of us have much stronger immune systems these days?
p.s.
Good grief Jonny, what a coincidence. You seem to have aged incredibly badly btw
mistaking a woman who came into the shop where i was working for my schoolfriend's grandmother
it was her mother
she had had cancer and was wearing a wig
oh, and the time i had to plead with an employee to stay in her job after i apparently embarrassed her with a comment to the interviewee about her belly dancing in a job interview she was conducting (we didn't give him the job, but he and i have since married and have seventeen children together)
good god UC, or rather Peter, I knew you'd left your wife but I didn't realise you'd had a sex change too. And shaved off all that body hair. And stopped consorting with toddler murderers. And dressing up as Mr Blobby. Who'd a thunk it. Missed ya. Not really.
i set someone's hair on fire at a party once. it was a bloke i'd fancied for ages and he had gorgeous long wavy hair. his lighter wouldn't work so i leaned in with my ten-for-a-pound cheapo chinese import and the whole side of his head went up in flames. i then added insult to injury by hitting him repeatedly about the head to put the fire out.
needless to say, i didn't get a snog that night.
OK. Just had to go and speak to Surly to refresh my memory.
There was being carried out of the disabled toilet after getting a bit "poorly" on the free wine at the wedding reception I'd gatecrashed. There was falling into a ditch when bunking off school and having to spend the rest of the day bare-footed. There was having my chair tip backwards at the company Summer Ball and having to try to prevent everyone seeing my knickers.
And finally: Having my dad pick me up from Uni on the last day of term to take me home, and realising that the bloke I'd spent the previous night with had left his asthma inhaler at mine. Obviously couldn't let him go three weeks without it, so had to concoct a story for my dad that it belonged to a male friend who had given it to me to look after in my handbag the night before as it wouldn't fit in his pocket, and had accidentally left it with me.
My dad then waited in the car while I knocked on his door to return it to him, which was embarrassing enough after a one night stand, but with my dad watching....
At the age of 14 during a woodwork lesson our new teacher asked us to write our names on the front of our aprons in indelible ink so that he could get to know each of us by name during the course of that term.
This we duly did but it was only when I put mine on that I realised I had spelt both my first and last names incorrectly !!! It's not that my name was new to me or even that either contained a lot of letters (3 in the first name, 6 in the last) so my embarrassment was clear for all to see.
Sadly, this mistake has haunted me ever since as 25 years later I still see school mates about town or play football with people who refer to me by that mis-spelt name...oh the shame of it !!!!!!!
I've been thinking about blogging my most embarrassing moment for a while, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Not even with the anonymity of t'internet...
I did once tell someone that his girlfriend was a "vat of lard" when she was in hearing distance.
GSE: look more closely at the tops of my feet in my profile pic - extensive and repeated electrolysis takes its toll, ya know....
you know you want to, spinny. we all have.
go on. it'll be cathartic. or something.
It's just natural for a girl to be worried about birdflu (fnarr, fnarr).
Spot on about the bloody Mail. Thank God Linda Lee Potty has moved on to that great journalist in the sky.
Flu - not necessarily scaremongering. And GSE, it's the same imune systems. I don't suppose that the health status of the nation was great after WW1, but the basic systems won't be all THAT much improved by even almost 90 yrs. I doubt there would be a significant difference between, say, your immunity and that of a similar aged woman during WW1.
Brid Flu is scarey, but whether there is any point in being scared? That's another matter perhaps.
Would you book a holiday to Turkey just now?
actually sg, I do worry a bit about the bird flu. Leading epidemiologists its not a matter of 'if' but 'when'. Wednesday evening, the CBC Fifth Estate (documentary program) is running a show on it. I don't suppose you can get it in the uK? Maybe off the net.
Luckily, I haven't embarrassed myself too badly since I was as teenager. its a long story which I'm too lazy to type but suffice it to say I was sitting in the penalty box, at a hockey game, 'visiting' my boyfriend at the announcer's booth (right beside the penalty box), blissfully unaware (drunk out of my gourd) that a few thousand people were laughing their heads off at me. Gawd. I blush easily at the best of times. I'm still blushing. 30 years later. At least I had no desire to start belly dancing.
I had been lurking around a group of much cooler kids for some time when they finally suggested I might like to go up to town with them. As soon as we got off the bus (right in the middle of Oxford, at Saturday lunchtime), they all shot off across the road to the pub. I sprinted after, tripped over the kerb, fell flat on my face and pulled the skirt of an elderly and very middle class lady clean off. You could see her pants and tights and everything.
One of my new mates was heard to say into the silence:
"Well, it's one way of chatting them up I suppose. Thought you might go for someone a bit younger though."
I was known as granny-grabber, or just grabber, for a long time afterwards.
Do I win?
Was having a conversation with College Boyfriend's parents while fishing around large coat pockets for keys. String of five glow-in-the-dark condoms came out and fell on the floor. Immediately blurted, "They're not for us!"
You know those moments that define the rest of you life? Mine happened early on, when I was still in kindergarten. One day I was standing at my desk and heard giggles coming from the back of the class. When I turned around I was horrified to see that I was standing in a pool of my own excrement. It had trickled down my leg without me feeling a thing and formed a puddle of pooh behind me. Now shitting your pants is one thing, but doing it in front of your classmates, then having the female teacher give you a shower then dress you in green TIGHTS!? as classmates look on from the bathroom window - Quite embarrassing. I’ve been looking over my shoulder ever since.
I once threw up in a plane at the exact moment it flew over something called the Puu'aa Vent
I was picked up by the police about two years ago for 'prostitution'. When they let me go after about two hours or so I dropped my handbag and a couple of flavoured condoms span across the floor.
Not true, by the way.
A friend at uni once farted AND followed through whilst out shopping with her boyfriend's mum.
I accidently left behind a bag containing laundry in a theatre.
There was a BA flight ticket labelled Belfast attached.
They called the bomb squad.
Bastards did a controlled explosion on my underwear. I wouldn't have minded, but it was only Y fronts.
When at art college we were asked to 'crit' a load of album covers for various bands by a student teacher.
I heartily slagged off the artwork for one particular album, at great length and with much articulation.
Student teacher then quietly told us he'd planted his own artwork amongst the covers... and that was it. I could have died.
Open mouth - insert foot.
My wife once took me as a surprise to, ahem, Victoria Wood at the Albert Hall. We schlepped all the way up to London, had a meal and were only just in time for the show. When we got to our seats there were people sitting in them. My wife called over a steward to eject them. said steward checked tickets.
We came back with the tickets on the next, correct, night and laughed a great deal.
I once went to a briefing with the head of the New Delhi Bus system. He asked me what was the bus accident rate in London just to compare with the astonishingly high rate in Delhi.
My mouth opened and closed but no knowledge came out.
He asked again phrasing it differently.
The goldfish looked round the bowl and went something like "bloop".
My colleague kndly said "well it's not as high as in Delhi anyway".
I cast HMG into disrepute and spent the rest of the week practising saying bloop quietly to myself. I never was good at numbers.
But I am a bit twitchy about bird flu.
I've read far to much disater SciFi stuff to take it lightly. I worry about the young overworked women in my family and the older tired men and the tinies and my friends who are (like me) past their healthiest and now dammit all my blogging friends and their families. And my boss who seems to catch colds at the drop of a hat. And the nice boy who has a weak heart. And my fiddle teacher who has MS. and...and....
Er, 75 people IN THE WORLD have died of bird flu. I hate to point this out, but there are diseases that are *slightly* more worrying than that. Frankly you're more likely to die putting your socks on.
One day I might write a little monograph on How To Avoid Being Panicked By The Media. Evil f**kers that they are. Sometimes.
Warning: Dull Backpacking Story Follows
I remember being in Beijing when the whole SARS thing exploded the first time around (2003, I think) and it was absolutely amazing - the whole place was in chaos. All the westerners had left, and all the poor Chinese workers were clamouring to get onto trains out of Beijing back to their families in the countryside where they thought it would be safer.
People kept asking us why we hadn't left, but when I tried to explain that the media was over-exagerating everything and the actual chances of contracting, much less dying from, the disease were tiny they just looked at me like I was an idiot.
P - yes, there are worse problems right now, but all the signs are that if bird flu makes the necessary jumps to become a human to human infectious agent, then the signifcance of it will make much else pale into insignficance until it goes away. I can't, off hand, think of something that may kill into the millions of people in a few months (other than a war). It's not media hype, it's not scaremongering. More or less everything they (excl Daily Mail) has said so far has, er, come to pass. I actually think for once they, the meedja, are being quite responsible. I feel the hand of Governement restraint - don't panic everyone.
And we don't need to panic now, but we need to be informed and aware, and we should be keen to know what the G is doing to protect us all from it. And if it's not enough?
goodness beep, you're not calming me down any.
*ensures that vicks thingies are firmly wedged in each nostril and carries on fashioning tinfoil hat*
I saw my first person in 'town' (small provincial, not that London place) with a face mask on in the week before Christmas. And do you know what? For once I didn't think 'wanker'.
stop it!!
less bird flu, more personal shame, please.
Here's one for you...
Several years ago I was playing 5-a-side football with a load of blokes from work. After the game we're all in the changing rooms about to shower, I pull my towel out of my kit bag and, unbeknownst to me, there's a pair of my ex-wifes knickers wrapped up in the towel which must have been there when I took it out of the airing cupboard earlier that day. As I manfully yanked the towel out of my bag said ladies undergarment flew into the air and landed on the floor in the middle of 10 burly fottballers.
Suffice to say there was no explanation that didn't make me go incredibly red and mumble something about them honestly not being mine.
I still shudder when I recall the embarrassment of that moment !!!!
i have had two embarrassing moments involving women's sanitary items.
one: had had a few white wines at a Microsoft PR party in Sydney. went to the loo, realised it was 'that time of the month', grabbed a few bits of toilet paper, went out and asked my colleague if she had anything more substantial with which to.. well. anyway, a few minutes later i'd forgotten i asked, and when she handed me a wrapped tampon i thought it was a lolly and proceeded to open it up. i then realised what it was and dropped it on the floor. my colleagues (male included) were horrified, as was i, and walked away from the (thankfully unused!) tampon.
two: i shared a house with a 50 year old landlord. i came home one day realised i'd forgotten to take the clothes out of the washing machine, so he'd kindly hung them up for me. not sure if he notced the panty liner stuck to one of the undies. thankfully, it was clean...
-kg
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