Obvious?

As the Other Half is currently mooching round a Hamburg dockyard (draw your own conclusions), I am rather bored. I have been indulging my guilty pleasure of rubbish magazines (we've been here before, haven't we?) and noted with some incredulity an article in the frankly banal "Closer" magazine. Yet another analysis of the are-they-aren't-they-has-she-kicked-him-in-the-balls-yet-why-is-she-still-wearing-terrible-clothes relationship between Jude Law and Sienna Whatsherface has brought us some home truths on the best way to ensure that the man you've ensnared trapped fallen in love with isn't a cheating fucking scumbag. Tracey Cox (how I loathe the phrase "Sexpert") offers the following sound advice:

Want a faithful partner? Research (for "research" read "Tracey Cox's pitiful relationship history") shows you should avoid a man who:

• Has a history of cheating. If he's done it to others, he'll probably do it to you.

OK. Maybe a fair point. Someone who has no concept of respect or boundaries is probably never going to change. So far, so rational.

• Has parents who had affairs - he's learnt that's how people behave in relationships. Ditto if his friends cheat.

At this point Tracey's logic begins to spiral a bit. I mean, are you supposed to bellow an enquiry in his ear over the sound of Girls Aloud at Roxy's of a Friday night? ...."so have your parents ever shagged around? I said SHAGGED?"......hardly likely, is it? Neither is a confession that he and his friends indulge in regular foursomes with each other's girlfriends. Just for fun, mind...

• Is rich. The more cash he has, the more ability he has to seduce and the more attractive he is to other women.

Right. I know that personally I am damp at the very sight of Bill Gates. Geeky chess club looks and social ineptitide aside, the thought of him feebly humping away is more than thrilling when you factor his net worth into the equation. See also Richard Branson. Round about now my suspicions that Ms Cox may have had her fingers burned at some point begin to crystallise.

• Travels a lot for work. It's a golden opportunity to stray, undetected.

Quite clearly nonsense. Anyone who would believe this is mental. Ahem. But wait, it's getting to the good bit...

• Drinks lots of coffee or smokes. He wants instant kicks - what an affair gives.

Um. Whatever. At this point reality appears to leg it as some weird undercurrent of "they're all bastards" begins to seep through. I may be naive, but I'm really not prepared to accept that a man's fondness for hot beverages belies a predisposition to infidelity. Again, the suspicion that at some not-too-distant point in the past Tracey Cox has fallen for a serially unfaithful, ugly chainsmoking Starbucks manager who likes an orgy of a weekend begins to surface. And frankly, faced with that sort of evidence who wouldn't proclaim themselves an expert, sorry, "Sexpert" for spotting it? Bitter? I think so. Paging Dr. Freud.....

Carry on.