Monday, January 23, 2006


As the Other Half is currently mooching round a Hamburg dockyard (draw your own conclusions), I am rather bored. I have been indulging my guilty pleasure of rubbish magazines (we've been here before, haven't we?) and noted with some incredulity an article in the frankly banal "Closer" magazine. Yet another analysis of the are-they-aren't-they-has-she-kicked-him-in-the-balls-yet-why-is-she-still-wearing-terrible-clothes relationship between Jude Law and Sienna Whatsherface has brought us some home truths on the best way to ensure that the man you've ensnared trapped fallen in love with isn't a cheating fucking scumbag. Tracey Cox (how I loathe the phrase "Sexpert") offers the following sound advice:

Want a faithful partner? Research (for "research" read "Tracey Cox's pitiful relationship history") shows you should avoid a man who:
  • Has a history of cheating. If he's done it to others, he'll probably do it to you.

OK. Maybe a fair point. Someone who has no concept of respect or boundaries is probably never going to change. So far, so rational.

  • Has parents who had affairs - he's learnt that's how people behave in relationships. Ditto if his friends cheat.

At this point Tracey's logic begins to spiral a bit. I mean, are you supposed to bellow an enquiry in his ear over the sound of Girls Aloud at Roxy's of a Friday night? ...."so have your parents ever shagged around? I said SHAGGED?"......hardly likely, is it? Neither is a confession that he and his friends indulge in regular foursomes with each other's girlfriends. Just for fun, mind...

  • Is rich. The more cash he has, the more ability he has to seduce and the more attractive he is to other women.

Right. I know that personally I am damp at the very sight of Bill Gates. Geeky chess club looks and social ineptitide aside, the thought of him feebly humping away is more than thrilling when you factor his net worth into the equation. See also Richard Branson. Round about now my suspicions that Ms Cox may have had her fingers burned at some point begin to crystallise.

  • Travels a lot for work. It's a golden opportunity to stray, undetected.

Quite clearly nonsense. Anyone who would believe this is mental. Ahem. But wait, it's getting to the good bit...

  • Drinks lots of coffee or smokes. He wants instant kicks - what an affair gives.

Um. Whatever. At this point reality appears to leg it as some weird undercurrent of "they're all bastards" begins to seep through. I may be naive, but I'm really not prepared to accept that a man's fondness for hot beverages belies a predisposition to infidelity. Again, the suspicion that at some not-too-distant point in the past Tracey Cox has fallen for a serially unfaithful, ugly chainsmoking Starbucks manager who likes an orgy of a weekend begins to surface. And frankly, faced with that sort of evidence who wouldn't proclaim themselves an expert, sorry, "Sexpert" for spotting it? Bitter? I think so. Paging Dr. Freud.....

Carry on.


Blogger Whinger chimed in with...

Insists on hiring underqualified good-looking help over the more qualified ugly personnel.

That should've tipped her off right there.

23 January, 2006 23:03  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

ok, sg, your brain is going to rot if you persist in reading that! Step away from the magazine!

23 January, 2006 23:10  
Blogger CyberPete chimed in with...

Frankly any 'sexpert' with last name Cox should be ignored. I mean at least when giving relationship advice *shakes head and starts flipping through Hello! magazine*

24 January, 2006 07:26  
Blogger patroclus chimed in with...

Classic post you've got here, SG. May I just say how much I enjoyed the phrase "feebly humping away"? Although quite disturbingly I now can't get that image of Bill Gates out of my head. I've got a terrible weakness for geeks, but even I have limits. Brrr.

24 January, 2006 07:33  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

I am SG's very own pet geek project, I suspect she feels it is her lifes work to integrate me back into society.

My evening consisted of finishing work at 9.30pm and falling asleep watching a rubbish Italian 2nd Division footie match on an obscure satellite channel we tuned sad is that ?

24 January, 2006 07:46  
Blogger RickB chimed in with...

Closer magazine is amazing. They once had a crossword clue which read "'Hello' in cow language (3)"
I could only assume the answer was "moo" as it's the only cow language I know, but I have to confess I had no idea what it actually translated as. I wonder what 'goodbye' is...

24 January, 2006 10:07  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

where is everybody today?

24 January, 2006 13:38  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Hello! I'm here!

24 January, 2006 14:10  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

thank goodness for that. maybe i should do a jonny b and ask everyone what their favourite reptile is, or something. that'll draw them in....

24 January, 2006 14:20  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

I'm here in spiwit !!!

24 January, 2006 14:55  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

Well, yesterday was supposed to be the most depressing day of the year so a lot of them have probably topped themselves. Either that or they've been too overcome at the thought of Bill Gates humping feebly.

24 January, 2006 16:32  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

I'll have you know us geeks can hump with the best of them. I think it's the Microsoft Polo shirts and rubbish hair that gives us a bad reputation !!!

24 January, 2006 16:46  
Blogger Geoff chimed in with...

Bill Gates...phwooooar. Steamy windows!!!

24 January, 2006 16:59  
Blogger Geoff chimed in with...

Is that how you spell 'phwoooar'?
Shit, sounds more like 'fwoo ar'.

24 January, 2006 17:01  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

what abour decaff? or half caff?

anyhoo, i've decided: i can't take the risk...i'm throwing out mr chick's half caff nescafe anyways

24 January, 2006 17:18  
Anonymous Melinda G chimed in with...

you're all being beastly

bill is a great shag

24 January, 2006 17:20  
Blogger the Beep chimed in with...

Crikey SG, you don't half get some flash comments! Or ....

PS. I'm here too. Althougu I wasn't when you asked.

24 January, 2006 17:32  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

Yikes! Bill Gates. Although (luckily) I only imagine him to be tiny (chihuahua sized) and dry-humping someone's leg while they desperately try to shake him off/ignore him.

24 January, 2006 17:48  

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