Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Obsession

I love David Hasselhoff.

As an icon of cheesy, over-coiffed nonsense he really is a world-beater. You just can't top Knight Rider for a piss-poor attempt at an "action" series (come on - it made the A-Team look like Apocalypse Now), and as for Baywatch, well, I could watch the Hoff staggering up and down a beach all day long. It's worth it just to see him in action, doing that thing known as "Hoffing" which is where you puff your chest out and round your shoulders in an attempt to draw attention away from your saggy stomach and chicken legs. Utilised by middle-aged men the world over in beach situations, this pose surely deserves more recognition.

I love that he has superstar status in Germany. It's just beautiful that a third-rate actor is adored by an entire nation for his dubious singing skills and complete lack of self-awareness. I love his massive hair, his over-inflated ego, his truly horrific photo back-catalogue and his terrible clothes. I even have a conspiracy theory regarding the "Cool Water" aftershave. I mean, come on. Davidoff? A water connection? It's obvious that it's a Baywatch side-project and you've all been fooled. Not me though. Oh no. My scrapbook, coathanger radio and tinfoil hat keep me bang up to date with all David's projects. And now his wife is on the way out, he will surely be mine. Oh yes.

Carry on.

29 Comments:

Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Was I mistaken or did I spot Swiss Hoff this morning without his hair teased and blow-dried?

What is he doing?

17 January, 2006 12:00  
Blogger the Beep chimed in with...

And he can laugh at himself (albeit he has no option).
btw: Kittens on their way SG

17 January, 2006 12:15  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

he is also a favourite of the manolo

in fact, if i'm not mistaken, there is a whole category of posts dedicated to the hoff on his blog

but me, i think you're weird

17 January, 2006 12:56  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Talking of criminal back-catalogue... check this out.

SG, I'm very sad. You were my potential new mate (if ever I moved to England) and now my flimsy illusions have been cruelly chewed up, screwed up and jumped up and down on.

*disbelief*


(pogiejg - One of Kirstie MacCalls boobs)

17 January, 2006 12:59  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

it can't be helped. i would like to point out that i don't actually find him attractive - i am just in awe of his self-delusion and lavish hair. and his leather trousers.

17 January, 2006 13:14  
Blogger Cleavers chimed in with...

A friend of mine who is a fellow Hoffette saw him in a business lounge at Heathrow once while she was on a trip to Germany, funnily enough. He was wearing a white suit and a black shirt and was perfectly coiffed, as per usual. I'm not sure she's ever recovered - it was 3 years ago - as every now and then, she'll still suddenly go into a daze, start dribbling and start humming something that sounds vaguely like 'Don't it make you feel good'

17 January, 2006 14:16  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

Wasn't "Don't it make you feel good" Stefan Dennis?

And why do I know that? Sorry.

17 January, 2006 14:25  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK chimed in with...

What?!?!? Are you KIDDING me? I was right there with you when you mentioned Robbie Wiliams a while back. But, David Hasselhoff? THE David Hasselhoff? Ewwww ...

17 January, 2006 14:36  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

no no no!! i don't fancy him.

i knew nobody would understand.

*clicks back to eBay to up the bidding on an original piece of the berlin wall as sweated on by the hoff as he single-handedly dismantled it*

17 January, 2006 14:40  
Blogger Perry Neeham chimed in with...

I don't know if you subscribe to Popbitch, but if you don't, you should! They love taking the piss out of Hoff - though I would have thought he does a good enough job himself.

17 January, 2006 14:43  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

David Hasselhoff?

*shocked*

Well, it could be worse...someone like monkey man, oh, I mean Brad Pitt.

17 January, 2006 15:23  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

Great post, surly. The Hoff is a god. Period.

If I was a real man I'd want to be exactly like The Hoff. With a car like that. Um, and a beach. With ladies on it, and everything.

17 January, 2006 16:14  
Blogger Kellycat chimed in with...

That's how I like to think of you anyway Wyndham...

17 January, 2006 16:23  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

thank you, wyndham. finally someone with taste.

it's all lies on everyone else's part, anyway. all men secretly want to be rug-chested, bouffant love gods, and all women want a proper butch man with a fast car to love them to within an inch of their lives and then tell them to put their knickers on and make a cup of tea.

*wedges tinfoil hat firmly on head and awaits feminist backlash*

17 January, 2006 16:23  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

Gosh, that sounds like me already. Three sugars, luv.

*wyndham wonders where his medication has gone*

17 January, 2006 16:30  
Anonymous erstwhile chimed in with...

Unbelievably he was invited to headline an open-air concert when the Berlin Wall came down, being the most popular star in Germany at the time. I’ve seen the footage, it is jawdropping.

He wears a cheap looking black leather jacket with flashing electric lights sewn into it, dances like a slowed down Rick Astley, gives lots of cheesy grins for the camera and looks as if he’s about to cum for the entire length of the chorus. All the time millions of Germans in stonewashed jeans are gazing up at him in adoration, blissfully unaware that they are starring in world history’s most surreal moment (at the end of the concert he announced in English that his latest cd was available in the shops).

Great blog btw.

17 January, 2006 16:39  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

I'd like to fight Wyndham for the beaches with ladies on it, if that's okay.

Ideally I'd prefer Hoff to stay away.. he's a bit of a buffed up llama as far as I can see.
But then, what would I know, I'm just a poof.

17 January, 2006 17:05  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

great mental imagery going on here and some real churchillian moments

funny thing to wyndham: i shall fight you on the beaches...and the prize will be a night of unbridled passion with pammy

thanks, surl

p.s. i am getting pop-up blocks on yer page: wos that aboot??

17 January, 2006 17:13  
Blogger Wyndham chimed in with...

You may want to fight me, funny thing, but against myself and KITT - my super-duper car with the voice of a camp theatrical agent - you will be powerless. I shall simply hit the Turbo-boost button and fly over you in slow-motion as you scratch your head in frustration and bafflement.If that fails I shall sing for all the Germans present.

However, if it's Pammy you're after, you'll welcome to her. Plenty of other orange, bouffanted ladies to go around, what?

17 January, 2006 18:03  
Anonymous Kristy chimed in with...

And once he's yours, what will you do with him and his massive helmet of hair? Second thought, perhaps I don't really want to know...

17 January, 2006 18:50  
Blogger Whinger chimed in with...

I did fleetingly wonder who Hasselhoff will date next.

If he can arrange a date with Aniston (after you're done with him, of course), it would make for some great tabloid fodder.

17 January, 2006 18:53  
Blogger garfer chimed in with...

There's a version of Pacman called 'Hoffman'.

The Hoff gets chased around the grid and eaten. Even a bouffant is useless in such situations.

17 January, 2006 21:20  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

plenty other orange bouffanted babes? do you mean ms kaplinsky perchance? i know you have something of a soft spot for her

17 January, 2006 22:28  
Blogger funny thing chimed in with...

Wyndham, I've seen too many episodes of Knight rider to be foiled by KITTs cunning ploys. Anyhow, his wheels will get stuck in the sand (which I and all the beach-volleyball ladies will have loosened up beforehand).

Harh harh MwaharRRRGGGHHH.

Obviously I'll have to ask the missus if I'm allowed out, first..

17 January, 2006 22:46  
Blogger Universal Soldier chimed in with...

So who is the female equivalent of the Hoffmeister? There must be one somewhere.

18 January, 2006 07:28  
Blogger Spinsterella chimed in with...

I have met David Hasslehoff. On the beach in LA, of course.

One day, when I learn how, I shall post the picture..

(He was a total arsehole, BTW)

18 January, 2006 07:52  
Blogger Cleavers chimed in with...

I heard on the radio this morning that him and his wife have split up because he's an alocholic.

Not that it will diminish my respect and admiration - he is merely a misunderstood artist in need of our support and consideration. She must be a bitch.

18 January, 2006 18:09  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

cleavers - amen to that. ha!

spinny - i demand to see that picture.

18 January, 2006 18:53  
Blogger Merkin chimed in with...

Fukkit sent me this game in response tomy post on the Hoff: Hoff Invaders. It's brilliant!

19 January, 2006 11:39  

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