Thursday, January 12, 2006

Betrayed

There was nothing on the telly last night (I can’t get used to the luxury of Sky at the Other Half’s house and stick to the main four channels out of habit) so I made him watch a programme about celebrity fitness videos. As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’m a vapid, slack-jawed moron and will sit through anything with “celebrity” in the title. It was a light-hearted (for "light-hearted" read "crap, unfunny"), deconstruction of the genre, aiming to sift the wheat from the chaff in terms of actual effectiveness. First up was Cher’s "A New Attitude" video from 1992. At this point, a horrific, hitherto repressed memory surfaced. You see, I bought that video and the requisite exercise step in 1992. I was nineteen, and my dress size was only one number behind my age. I fell upon Cher’s promise to make me thin like a fat girl on a free buffet, and coveted visions of the slender, lithe creature I would doubtless become. For about two weeks I wheezed, sweated and lumbered around my living room in a hopeless attempt to keep up. The exercises were absolute torture, but I thought this was because I was extremely lardy and unfit. Eventually, it became clear that if I were to complete the whole thing I would need a crash team standing by with oxygen and chocolate hobnobs, so I quit. A failure. Pathetic. The shame of not even being able to do a home fitness video haunted me until I joined a step class a couple of years later and lost about four stone.

Except it transpires that even six-stone plastic surgeon junkie Cher couldn’t do the bloody exercises. The video was filmed in three-minute segments so that Madam could stop for a breather before being powdered, watered and having her wig tightened for another go.

Thanks then Cher. Thanks for making all us fat girls feel even worse than we already did as we lurched helplessly from lunge to grapevine before getting our fat feet tangled up in the laces on our hi-top pink reeboks and crawling off to the biscuit tin in a weeping, red-faced fit of despair. Thanks for dangling the unattainable in front of us, doing your weird smug alien smile and generating waves of carefree happiness even as we fell over the pouffe for the third time in twenty minutes and nursed another stitch. I hope the g-string you wore in the Turn Back Time video chafed your crack and gave you thrush. Witch.

Carry on.

15 Comments:

Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

Well articulated, your face as that memory came flooding back was a picture !!!

I still can't get over the horror of all those moronic BB twats releasing shite videos that plummeted into obscurity almost as quickly as they did. Jade Goody...I ask you. What a waste of tissue and bone that is.

12 January, 2006 14:42  
Blogger Donna chimed in with...

Haha ... I didn't watch the programme, but you've reminded me why I never stuck to home fitness videos and the lovely outfits I had when I did step reebok ... Thank you :o)

12 January, 2006 14:46  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

There were several instances of thong leotards that....er...sorry, what was my point again ?

12 January, 2006 14:59  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

you reminded me of a fond 'fitness video memory'. years ago I bought a Kathy Smith workout video. She wasn't a celebritry from the movies but a fitness guru. Anyway, my partner in fitness endeavors (Nancy) phoned me up and here is our conversation:

Nancy: 'so how it the Kathy Smith workout?'

Me: 'its great, not to complicated, good music'

Nancy: 'was it hard?'

Me: (stunned silence) 'well, I didn't actually DO it, I just watched it. it was great'

Nancy: (several moments of uproarious laughter) 'oh, are you going to do it?'

Me: (laughing) 'I don't know, I like watching it-that's a start'

We still laugh about that. I love to watch other people exercise. *sigh* I guess I have to get off my arse one of these days and actually do some.

12 January, 2006 15:14  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice chimed in with...

Oi! She's not one of mine! Although, there's one called Chair in that coven in Thetford - she was a bit weighty when she was a baby and when she was handed to the elderly vicar doing the christening, he nearly buckled under the weight. The first word out of his mouth was "chair" as he slowly crumpled towards the floor...

12 January, 2006 15:15  
Blogger frangelita chimed in with...

I watched that. I too was shocked by Cher's generally naughty behaviour. Also, that girl who actually lost weight doing the Geri Yoga, what was that about? I think she had secretly stopped eating, too (much like the ginger b!tch herself)...

12 January, 2006 15:26  
Blogger Betty chimed in with...

Erm ... I was thinking of doing a celebrity fitness video post myself which will look like cribbing now but I think I'll get away with it because (a)I'll come at it from a different angle and (b)no one will read the fecking thing anyway.

Any road ... Cher, eh? Is there any part of her body which isn't held together with gaffa tape and putty? No wonder she doesn't have thigh and arm overhang, despite being 97.

12 January, 2006 16:03  
Blogger Whinger chimed in with...

I remember feeling so betrayed when it came out that Jane Fonda had had plastic surgery to make herself so fit for the Jane Fonda workout.

I kind of feel sorry for the celebrities who make the workout tape, though. Do they know how far they've fallen?

12 January, 2006 16:45  
Blogger CyberPete chimed in with...

I heard Paula Abdul is doing an exercise video. I suppose that's how low it is.

I remember years ago when I was struggling to keep up with this blonde b|tch with a huge smile on her face, sort of sweaty but not really, yelling 'come on two more, and two more' while this cheesy music was playing in the background.

12 January, 2006 16:50  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

yes but was that a fitness video?

ithankyew. i'm here all week.

12 January, 2006 16:57  
Blogger Tabby Rabbit chimed in with...

>> I remember feeling so betrayed when it came out that Jane Fonda had had plastic surgery to make herself so fit for the Jane Fonda workout.>> Yes, didn't she get a few ribs removed or something? The bitch. Me and my sister had her cassette tape - I still have the urge to start counting out loud and shouting 'feel the burn' whenever I hear 'can you feel it' and to lie on the floor to 'bridge over troubled water...

12 January, 2006 17:53  
Blogger belladona chimed in with...

Yeah. What you said.

12 January, 2006 19:00  
Blogger garfer chimed in with...

Cher was best when she was warbling through her huge hooter to her huge hootered husband.

Maybe the hooter shrinkage was a result of cocaine usage and not surgery.

12 January, 2006 23:40  
Blogger morgalou chimed in with...

Celebrity fitness videos. I know that lurking at the back of a cupboard somewhere, I've got Elle Macpherson's, in which the Tall One faffs about in Hawaii, looking, well, tall, and saying "Yeah, I can really feel the burn" while never once breaking into so much as a ladylike glow. Cut to me, flat out on the floor, lobster-faced, dripping with sweat and panting like a bad porn star.

But at least there's a point in Elle releasing a video, as opposed to a certain footballer's shop-crazy girlfriend, whose video adverts are the current target of my snorts of indignation.....

13 January, 2006 11:55  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

you'd think that drowning in money, shoes and handbags would be enough, wouldn't you? but no, she has to infuriate those of us on the 9-5 by insisting that she "works" for a living too.

mind you, shagging wayne rooney doesn't sound like my idea of fun, so i suppose it's all relative.

13 January, 2006 12:04  

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