Sunday, September 11, 2005

Oh yes.

Over on b3ta.com, they run a question of the week. A couple of weeks ago it was wondering what the worst thing was that people had done to their siblings. The resulting avalanche of horror stories made me sort of glad that Small Person is, and will remain, an only child. The only normal thing about my family was the intense loathing my stepsister and I felt for each other. There was the usual low-grade bickering that ran incessantly, and apart from sharing the cupboard under the stairs to escape the au-pair, we were locked in hostility. When we played hide and seek she would invariably hide in my toybox. I would then sit on the lid until the screams became faint through lack of oxygen, letting her out in time to pretend I hadn't done anything when a parent came to investigate. She retaliated by making me stand on a stool to turn on my bedroom light, then pushing me off it. Hard. On one occasion I persuaded her to let me cut her hair (she's eighteen months older than me and should have known better - she was twelve at the time). She has very thick, very curly hair, which I cut (with scissors not clippers) into a giant curly mohawk. My mother went absolutely postal, and sis had to wear a banana clip in her hair for about three months. One summer day, playing over the Rec, David SomebodyorOther weed in an empty coke can and left it on the bench under the oak tree. We then announced a race, with the winner getting to drink the coke (it was a very hot day). Cue my sister legging it frantically across the field, while five other kids ran elaborately slowly behind her. She only managed one mouthful, but it was worth it for the look on her face. Car journeys to see grandmothers elevated tensions to the point of all-out war should a foot, elbow or possession stray across the hotly-contested no-mans-land of the back seat armrest. Four hour journeys were punctuated with cries of "Mum! Mum! She's got her FOOT on my side", until slaps were administered to legs and all sweet privileges withdrawn. When staying with my brother and sisters (I thought they were my cousins but that's a story for another time), my stepsister and I had to share a double bed. This necessitated the intervention of a rolled up blanket (that I think was called Harry - am sure Fifi Sis will correct me if I'm wrong) which was placed down the middle of the bed to avoid either of us being kicked to death in the night. All in all, your average sibling relationship. We occasionally colluded - endless games of Monopoly, turning her bedroom into an assault course, looking at Simon Brown's willy round the back of the pub (we were six and eight, so that's alright then). But generally, we were lucky to even tolerate each other. So, based on this evidence, and the fifteen gore-streaked pages of posts over on b3ta.com, I really do think that a solitary childhood with imaginary friends and nobody to ever play board games with is probably the least damaging solution.

In other news, it was pointed out last night by the singer of the pub-rock covers band Dr Rox that the Other Half and I do, officially, rock. We knew that of course, but our shambling drunken singalong to their version of Maiden's Two Minutes to Midnight sealed the deal.

Will we never learn?

48 Comments:

Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

you have a stepsister? i SO would have given for a stepsister over my two fully genetically-linked sisters

i daren't link through to the site you mention for fear of what awful tales i may feel compelled to share...

er...the time i fell off a 6ft wall and cut my kneee but told my mum my (toddling, non-speaking) sister did it...the time i pretended to cry about sth daft she had done and made HER cry so i had to keep going...

and oooh, tell us about the sister/cousin thing! gwan!

11 September, 2005 21:42  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

another post, another time. believe me, once that particular can is open the worms will be everywhere..

go on, look at the link - it'll make you feel normal. it did me....

11 September, 2005 21:58  
Blogger theclamwhisperer chimed in with...

Your post reminded me of so many awful things my older brother used to do to me...the fact that I made it this far is a lucky break.

11 September, 2005 23:43  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

See, I studiously ignored my older brother for the duration of our childhood and now I have the perfect relationship with him...we still studiously ignore each other, result !!!

12 September, 2005 09:11  
Blogger Who is this Dave? chimed in with...

Can I just make it clear that I wasn't the David SomebodyorOther who weed in the Coke can.

I'm not saying I haven't done it, bit it wasn't me that time.

Thought we ought to clear that up, oh arch-enemy.

12 September, 2005 09:53  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i'm not even sure it was david anyone now. i think his name might have been paul somethingorother (i keep wanting to say "gambaccini" but i don't think it was him either).

akriq: iranian liqueur made out of infidels

12 September, 2005 10:09  
Blogger Swifty chimed in with...

You had an au pair? I'm in the presence of privelege. It's cool though. I've long since moved beyond socialist politics. I'll harangue you not.

So you look back on your childhood with fondness? Did you by any chance dress in black and wear a pointy hat? Scary. I had a feeling about you when I first stumbled upon you blog, but couldn't put my finger on it. Now I know. At what age did you cross over into 'dark side'?

As an aside, continuing on from comments on Elvira's blog, yes, you tell a good yarn. Very individualistic. And funny. You're good

I wish my Christian name began with an 'S', then I could sign off with 'Sycophantic Sidney' or something similar

12 September, 2005 10:27  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

fondness? um, no...more sort of distant dreamy horror....i'll bore everyone with it at some point, i promise. there's a whole post about the au-pairs here

omrttz: japanese omelettes

12 September, 2005 10:34  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Twas not Harry, but Fred my dear sis, and said blanket was a pale blue Pure New Wool jobbie with lots of 'pilling'. I remember it well as it was also used to seperate our brother and I on similar 'put the kids upstairs to bed so we can get on with parental drinking and seventies polyester downstairs' occasions. Fred almost became a member of the family (and as random memebers of our family go was perhaps one of the more normal amongst us!)and not only served as a useful barricade against kicking and pinching, and a jolly launchpad to propelling one sibling onto another in a two-man version of 'bundling' but also enjoyed stints as a table top for cheese and crackers, and the odd game of torchlit Top Trumps (electric car, anyone?).

12 September, 2005 12:43  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

um, is it healthy to do bundling when in bed with one's brother?

and where are all my commenters? i feel needy....

12 September, 2005 13:28  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

We were disfunctional, but not that disfunctional!

Nik Kershaw...brings my crush crashing back!

12 September, 2005 13:55  
Anonymous Other Half chimed in with...

It was the hair wasn't it ? Either that or the fact that he hails from the sprawling metropolis that is Ipswich...and we all know Ipswich ROCKS !!!!

12 September, 2005 14:57  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

Being the youngest of eight, I wholeheartedly concur with the idea of single child-dom. I wanted one, dh wanted four, so we compromised on 2. Hopefully they won't scar each other for life LOL.

12 September, 2005 18:06  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

eight?? my goodness, was there no tv in your parents' house? i'm one of a dysfunctional five, but we never all lived together so i can't imagine how that must have been.

i might have liked another but it's not to be. i'm grateful for the truly fabulous small person. bless her little heart.

12 September, 2005 18:51  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

Yes eight-My parents were Catholics (ones that actually followed the rules!) What a barbaric religion :-)

And yes, the small people truly are a blessing. :-)

12 September, 2005 19:54  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

SG: please don't apologise for nik kershaw! have you seen him these days? he was on LK today a few months ago and he looks H-O-T (i wouldn't dream of pimping my blog here but i did post some snaps of him before [with the hair and the baggy troos] and after [slightly balding but more hip] notsolongago...)

*listens out for the click that spells d-e-l-e-t-e-t-h-i-s-c-o-m-m-e-n-t*

[feeling norty this evo - i'm on the montepulciano]

:B

ljnhelm = kaiser wilhelm's sister (english equivalent name = lynn)

12 September, 2005 20:09  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

kyahgirl - what on earth was it like growing up with seven siblings? did you hate all of them equally or did they have to take turns?


ooh, ms chick - please let me have the link to the kershaw gallery. fifi sis had a huge crush and was famously (in our family) bounced from the apron of the stage at the hammersmith odeon for running down to the front and hurling a teddy during the video shoot for "i won't let the sun go down on me".

norty is good. woo! and yay! for norty.


gdfalmv: norwegian contraceptive device, worn externally.

12 September, 2005 20:24  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

fifi sis sounds waaaaay cool (if nothing else for bringing together a humble teddy bear and mr kershaw in one sentence and making me come over all patrick-swayze-is-yum at this hour of the day)

anyhoo, cruise on over to my u-no-wot and whack 'nik kershaw' into my technorati search box and, well, bob's your dad's brother...

fwzkdo = drunken tirade at police officer after 24 hour drinking culture kicks in (quick, someone tell the daily mail...)

12 September, 2005 21:09  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

oi! "bob's your dad's brother"..that's mine!!

and fifi sis is way, way cool. and dirty dancing is the best film ever. and i loved the orange wednesday cinema ad with mr s in it that included the line "nobody puts swayze in the corner". i was the only one what laughed, but boy did that please me.

zghog: czechesolovakian hedhehog, now extinct.

12 September, 2005 21:17  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

bob's your dad's brother? you've said that? yikes - if i had read it, i never woulda dared, so what does that say? must be one o' them psychotics, no?

ok, well, i claim 'bless his polyester socks' then (and if i see this reprinted in the grauniad tomorrow, mr rusbridger, i wil do sth really really bad like throw coffee on you as you head into work)

i know! i loved the swayze orange ad - too funny...my sisters and i are word perfect when it comes to DD ('i carried a watermelon?' is a close second to the baby in the corner quote)

g-e-t-u-p-f-r-o-m-t-h-e-t-a-b-l-e-a-n-d-w-a-l-k-a-w-a-y-f-r-o-m-t-h-e-p-u-t-e-r

[nope, can't do it - helllllllllllp!!)

12 September, 2005 21:23  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

why is it, pray tell, that i have begun speaking as if i am on the set of 'friends'? (that is waaaaay cool - oooooh, too funny!)

i think i need help

12 September, 2005 21:25  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

we all need help darlin'.

as for DD - my worst line is when sister lisa says she's going to shag awful water boy (?? name) and then walks out of the room. baby says in terrible high-pitched querulous way "oh hey lisa??" with no punctuation and it makes me cross every time.

as for nik kershaw pics - hubba hubba. and i still go weak at the knees at the sight of adam ant in the prince charming video.

btw any lurkers out there - don't be discouraged by the british in-jokes and nonsense in the comments. step up and say your piece - you'll be glad you did.

probably.

12 September, 2005 21:31  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

i meant "waiter boy", obviously.

12 September, 2005 21:32  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

prince char-miiiiiiiiing

ridi-cuuuuuule, there's nothing to be scared of

[crossing my forearms above my head as i type - just about to swing across the living room from the lampshade]

12 September, 2005 21:42  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

ah, but is diana dors there in an ill-fitting dress?

i know a very offensive joke about diana dors.

12 September, 2005 21:47  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

gosh, i so like totally do not recall ms dors in the video (see what i mean about the friends-speak?)

i'm now in a monumental huff as mr chick has just fast-forwarded a film he is watching to avoid hearing 'i wanna dance with somebody' by whitney h

that-song-was-my-life (in 1987)

right, i really have to go do sth dull now...

12 September, 2005 21:55  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

she had a wand and everything.

not to be outdone in the "other stuff to do" stakes, i am off to slump on th sofa.

comment away, people, and i'll catch you tomorrow.

*cue no comments whatsoever and general embarassment*

12 September, 2005 22:00  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

cue one [final] comment from the person about whom you are probably thinking: "b*gger off and stop clogging up my comments section and, in the act, intimidating potential new visitors to my blog"

ykjffpzu = badly-transcribed counterfeit goods (supposedlyf fujitsu) as found on the seedier streets of thailand

12 September, 2005 22:06  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

couldn't resist...

vbgfem = feminine hygiene products for Very Bad Girls (like myself)

toodle-oo!

12 September, 2005 22:08  
Blogger Kyahgirl chimed in with...

ROTFL! I wouldn't dare intrude on UC and SG. What a funny conversation (even if I don't get all the brit joke)
L

13 September, 2005 04:22  
Blogger Who is this Dave? chimed in with...

And as a mere man, I wouldn't dare post a comment here.

13 September, 2005 07:47  
Blogger zanna chimed in with...

think waiter boy was called ron. why did you name the blanket?

13 September, 2005 08:03  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

why would we not name the blanket? let's not pretend you've never named a blanket.

13 September, 2005 09:04  
Blogger car01 chimed in with...

I've never named a blanket, but I have named a fridge. Does that count?

duext: the ability to text amibextrously

13 September, 2005 09:28  
Blogger car01 chimed in with...

Or even ambidextrously. Crikey, I can't even type ambidextrously this morning. Must stop using piggies for typing.

kwisqj: one of those fake air kisses that poofy hairdressers dispense.

13 September, 2005 09:29  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

what did you call your fridge? and more to the point, why?

altho i have hugged a fridge.

pzgnwl: extremely rude cornish swear

13 September, 2005 09:51  
Blogger car01 chimed in with...

Flopsy of course. What else?

exfguhep: Spanish peasant exfoliating scrub made from goat's entrails.

13 September, 2005 09:56  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

quuhtg: call used by south-pacific islanders when hunting quuhthogs.

13 September, 2005 10:03  
Blogger Urban Chick chimed in with...

i went to bed last night thinking that there was no way this comments thread could get any more tangential

but seems it did

[my blanket was called 'quiltie', still is, actually]

zterbykg = 'ee by gum!' in russian

13 September, 2005 10:09  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

ah, but have you ever coveted a fridge so much that you hugged it?

tkjmxtap: ukranian mixer tap

13 September, 2005 10:39  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Yes I am cool.

And I once slept at the foot of a fridge.

13 September, 2005 11:25  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

Perhaps the two are connected?!

13 September, 2005 11:26  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

when did you sleep at the foot of a fridge? was it a pilgrimage?

loony.

13 September, 2005 11:34  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

It was at a party sometime in 1987, during a Southern Comfort (never again) induced stupor.

13 September, 2005 11:38  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

oh dear....

13 September, 2005 11:41  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

I think it was the same party where I introduced myself to my own reflection in a mirror. Oh the demon drink!

13 September, 2005 11:45  
Blogger surly girl chimed in with...

what, as in "fiona, this is fiona"??

13 September, 2005 11:51  
Blogger Fifi chimed in with...

no, i said 'hello, who are you?' then realised it was me!
much more sensible these days of course?

13 September, 2005 11:55  

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