D-Flat Chime Bar

Good lord.

2009-01-20T19:19:00.009Z

Mummy, enquired Small Person yesterday, when can we tidy out my wardrobe?Small Person's wardrobe is the stuff of nightmares. Ancient nursery school drawings jostle with long-since-forgotten gloves; board games with vital pieces missing flumpf beneath the weight of all those bloody shoes that only fit for a five-minute window before being tossed aside. Occasionally, the Cat pops in there for a

o rly? *

2009-01-06T14:30:00.003Z

>>I love stuffed french toast. I love every stuffed french toast recipe I've ever had, actually, but especially the ones stuffed with cream cheese.When we were at the shore this past August, we visited The Blue Plate Dinner and the IHOP, and ate stuffed french toast in both places. They were sweet, creamy, and wonderful<<>>>>>>>>>>>>I'm only jealous because I have gained so much weight over

Wrongest. Suggestion. Ever.

2008-12-01T14:39:00.003Z

So anyway.We went to the local for lunch on Saturday. It's a weekly treat for us - we take the papers, drink some beer and people-watch. It's great for people-watching, our local.It's quite good for overheard-in-the-pub stuff too, as it turns out. Those of you of a nervous disposition may want to click away now.I'm in the loo. A woman and a small child enter the adjacent cubicle and have one of

(I Need a) Caffeine Bomb...

2008-11-26T15:59:00.009Z

Do not adjust your set.Plese also disrgard ayn tpyos/In the words of Kerry Katona (please bellow in an indignant Warrington accent): "I'm nor jrunk! Ish my medcayshun!".You see, to all intents and purposes, Prozac is a marvellous thing. I have spent most of the Autumn travelling for work, flying to and from such exotic locations as Odessa, Istanbul and Liverpool. This time last year I couldn't

I've sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit.

2008-11-19T15:13:00.002Z

A while ago, there were two men and four women in my department.It was a strange and difficult time. A time in which, if a woman made a sensible business decision, it would be roundly ignored until one of the men decided it was their decision after all and the idea would be immediately implemented.We soon realised our problem. We didn’t have penises! Men can’t hear a business conversation if

Eh?

2008-11-17T14:48:00.002Z

So anyway, a colleague wandered past my desk today and cheerily opined that I look just like (and I quote) a "Rasta Man".Um, thanks? Not quite the look I was going for and I'm still puzzled as to how a thirty-five year old white girl, even one with dreadlocks, manages to achieve it?People. Meh.And yes, I will post properly soon but there's all manner of things happening at the moment and I am

Urk.

2008-11-12T14:56:00.002Z

Word to the wise, ladies and gentlemen.....Never work with Norwegians.More specifically, don't engage them in conversation while you're eating.You're welcome.

Things that make me itch..

2008-11-04T14:23:00.003Z

In a record-breaking display of constistency, Middling Person (for she is now eight-and-half and not Small any more) has headlice.Again.For the third (third!) time in six weeks.Now, I know headlice are an occupational hazard when you spend your time amongst thirty-odd weird-smelling kids from homes with varying degress of hygiene but please? If your child is itchy and scratching and you can see

Outrage! Outrage! Outrage!!!!1!

2008-10-30T10:42:00.004Z

Twenty seven thousand people.Twenty seven thousand people??Really?Admittedly, I’m perhaps not the best person to have any perspective on this, but seriously? You’d think that Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross had taken it in turns to dry-rape the Pope while giving Nazi salutes and murdering puppies.Thank the gods for the Daily Mail, that’s all I can say. Otherwise we would never have known that a

Six Things

2008-10-28T13:57:00.005Z

1) We got married. The bride wore black, the groom wore black and pink, the bride's stepmother wore a fixed grimace. Men in wedding dresses played punk music at our wedding reception and the Other Half drank sixteen vodka Red Bulls and didn't sleep for 56 hours straight. It was aces.2) We went on our honeymoon. It rained. The tent leaked. We'd seen all the bands before and following a hissed

waves

2008-10-24T13:15:00.002+01:00

Um.Hello.So anyway, I went over there to start a new blog but my heart wasn't in it.I've been travelling for work for the last few weeks and have realised that I spend most of my downtime composing blog posts in my head. So I thought, why not? Why not use my time and my identity to continue bleating at strangers about, you know, how hard everything is?You lot are all still writing away - all my

New Beginnings

2008-05-27T19:10:00.004+01:00

Well, that's it.Three years, three hundred and eighty five posts, thousands of comments left, friends and enemies made along the way.I'm shutting up shop. Properly.It's all got too public. I'm losing my anonymity and I'm losing my edge. Back to basics is the order of the day. I'd quite like to take you with me though, if you'd care to join me.My email address is on my Blogger profile. Come and

Surly Reviews: I Am Legend*

2008-04-29T15:00:00.007+01:00

I Am Bollocks, more like. What an unmitigated, pseudo-parable pile of big dog's cock.That is all.* Will Smith. Will, Will, Will. Will I never learn? He is turning out so much shit that I am beginning to suspect him of being a stooge of the McGregor/Dorff axis of evil, purveyors of cinematic crapfests since time immemorial.

Here I am!

2008-04-24T08:37:00.006+01:00

I am alive!!Yeah yeah, I know, enough with the drama already.So I had my surgery and I came round in the recovery room and tried to scratch my nose but the oxygen mask was in the way. Um, oxygen mask? Yup. The surgery turned out to be a little more intense than anyone had anticipated, so they had to put me under a bit deeper, which meant that I needed a little more help to wake up again. Still,

Nurse, the screens!

2008-04-22T18:37:00.005+01:00

I have my knee arthroscopy tomorrow.In order to paint a picture of my current state of mind, there follows the transcript of an email I sent to the Other Half this afternoon:From: Surly Girl Sent: 22 April 2008 14:18To: Other Halfthis afternoon's irrational fear:that i won't wake up from the anaesthetic tomorrow and i haven't made a will so you don't have any custody of Small Person and the Ex

Me me me.

2008-04-20T15:58:00.003+01:00

Right.Let's sort this out, shall we? I know you're there. I can see my stats. I can see you. So why the bloody hell don't you comment any more? Is it me? Have I changed?I mean, I know most people only come here these days to look at pictures of Sarah Beeny's tits. But, give me a hand here.Am I talking to an empty room?[/narcissism]Edit: I have just read this back and realise that I come off a bit

Overheard in (my) Office...

2008-04-14T20:12:00.003+01:00

So anyway, we were talking (well, I was) about the cows and how at some point they’ll evolve big wide flat feet so they can breach the cattle grids and what will we all do then, and everyone said I was mental and I said well, when you’re connected to a milking machine at five in the morning and there’s a Friesian with its hoof on the switch, don’t come crying to me.Nobody believes me about the

Desperately Seeking..

2008-04-01T19:05:00.007+01:00

..with the emphasis on "desperate".One of the finest things about the Times of a weekend is the Encounters page.It's a richly-jewelled wonderland of confused, hopeful egomaniacs* and I love it. Really, proper love it. All of human life is here, and the examples below are just from Men Seeking Women. Women Seeking Men is pretty much of a muchness - full of "bubbly" (annoying), "curvy" (fat), "

Kill me now.

2008-03-29T16:25:00.003Z

Please.So anyway. We were in the pub today, which is normal for a Saturday. We take the papers and eat pub food and drink beer and banter with the bar staff and it's all good.Except today.Today, there's a new girl behind the bar. She's funny, and a little bit odd, and we like her. On talking, we establish that she's eighteen. Eighteen.The conversation swung around to festivals. She went to

Poorly

2008-03-23T16:51:00.002Z

So, getting older. Mmm.To summarise:I have a horrid eye infection. My left eyelid is red and swollen and itchy and I look like a victim of domestic abuse/Heather Mills in Paul McCartney's dreams. It is rubbish. I have to put antibiotic ointment on it every two hours and my eye is so fat that my eyelashes keep leaving smears all over the inside of the lenses of my glasses. I make Olive from On the

Announcement

2008-03-16T13:55:00.002Z

Today is my birthday.Thirty-five had fucking well better be the new twenty-five or there's going to be trouble.That is all.

Overheard on the Tube..

2008-03-10T18:12:00.001Z

"You know that band? The ones what do the running and that, the dancing on the running machines? What they called again?" *pauses* "Oh, yeah, Marilyn Manson, innit. They stab themselves in the eye and that." Okaaayyy.....

Keep it Fluffy

2008-03-07T12:44:00.001Z

I really, really shouldn’t listen to the Levellers on the way to work.We’re off to that fancy London tomorrow for Beautiful Nights – somehow I have got very old indeed and the Levellers have been together for *cough*twentyyears*cough*. So Saturday night will find me and the Other Half bouncing around Brixton Academy in the company of people who smell of patchouli and weed. Bliss.Anyway.I

Progress

2008-03-02T17:38:00.004Z

So. Mother's Day.It's been a year since I spoke to my own mother. I still don't know how I feel about it - not really. It's a pretty mixed bag, emotion-wise. I am happier - that much is indisputably the case. I don't spend my time dreading the next phone call, the next visit, the next endless, poor-me monologue. I don't miss the pretence of it all being alright, when all I ever really wanted to

To summarise:

2008-02-21T19:18:00.003Z

1) Florida is a slightly odd place, what with it still being 1986 over there and all.2) Despite this, we had a fabulous holiday. I didn't panic on the way over (even with the six hour delay when the plane went tech with, ahem, "rudder problems"). I didn't panic in any of the parks, even when people-who-have-clearly-never-seen-a-person-with-pink-hair-and-piercings-and-tattoos-and-a-small-child

Apologies for length

2008-01-28T19:03:00.000Z

I had an MRI scan this morning.I have a dodgy knee, you see. I crashed a motorbike *cough*thirteenyearsago*cough* and spanged my left knee rather comprehensively. I didn’t get it checked at the time as the waiting time in Saarrfend Hostipal’s A&E department was really long and besides, I had an appointment with the body piercer.As ye sow, so shall ye reap.I am currently lumbered with a knee that

Opinion: Author's Own

2008-01-23T18:26:00.000Z

Mostly, feminism isn’t top of my list.Occasionally, however, one of the sisterhood makes such a breathtakingly offensive remark that I feel slightly ashamed to be on the same team.A discussion was taking place this afternoon in the next-department-over (you know, the one where they’re all a little bit thick, but it’s okay as one of them is doing one of the directors*) about the then-ongoing trial

Surly's Little Helper

2008-01-13T16:04:00.000Z

So anyway.I went to the doctors on Friday for a review of my meds. It's been three months now since I went mental, and I needed to see him to carry on renewing my prescriptions. As I'm not doing so well currently, and should apparently be "better" by now, a couple of suggestions were made.Firstly, I was offered Effexor. Um, no thanks. Isn't that the one, I asked, that I've read loads of really

In which nothing happens

2008-01-01T13:38:00.000Z

The Other Half has gone to watch the football. Small Person is on the other sofa playing Nintendogs with her head under a blanket. The cat is catching up on some sleep having only managed 23 hours yesterday. There is nothing on the telly. I am lightly medicated.Happy New Year, all.....

Mentalism

2007-09-30T16:53:00.000+01:00

Panic attacks suck.About fifteen years ago I had a disastrous LSD experience. I won't bore you with the details - suffice to say that I was left with agoraphobia, panic attacks and a strong conviction that I had actually, properly ruined my life and could look forward to a future filled with very-small rooms and prescription medication.I got through it though. I eventually plucked up the courage

Why Snopes should be mandatory

2007-09-27T19:37:00.000+01:00

You see, about a hundred years ago when I wrote things that were sometimes quite good, I got a link from a site featuring British blogs.That was a proper long time ago though, and I'd forgotten all about it until someone visiting these echoing, empty pages was referred by that very same link. Ooh! I though. I'll go and have a look! There was a comments section - I wonder if anyone's said anything

In which I make a slightly dull return

2007-09-23T15:31:00.000+01:00

I don’t understand vibrating chairs.I mean, I get that they might feel nice. I don’t get why they are suddenly appearing in motorway service stations and shopping centres.I mean, I sort of get why they might be popular in shopping centres. Sort of. If you’ve been slogging round in over-lit, echoing hell all morning, a bit of a sit-down is probably quite nice. Except, wouldn’t a bench do the job?

It's not my fault....

2007-09-04T20:01:00.001+01:00

Honest.Blogger has turned to shit, my internets are broken and the laptop has developed the temperament of a sulky thirteen year old who has just been asked to do their maths homework.I want to blog....but....is there anybody out there??

Intermission

2007-08-10T17:05:00.000+01:00

I know, I know.But there's nothing else for a week or so now, as we're off on hollybobs. Stonehenge, Glastonbury and then here.So I will be mostly sitting in a field, wearing a pirate hat and drinking scrumpy.See you when we get back.Honest.

Shit off, Potter

2007-07-21T16:00:00.000+01:00

It just about summed it up for me.The thirty-something man, dressed in generic supermarket jeans and a grubby polo shirt, gleefully ferreting through the last few pages of the new Harry Potter in the entrance of our local Tescos, eager to find out who dies immediately so that he could feel part of some ridiculous national/global obsession. That was the moment when I realised how sick to fucking

In which I justify my pseudonym

2007-07-09T19:21:00.000+01:00

1) It needs to stop fucking raining. If not now, then definitely before the middle of August. I am bored of rain, and thunderstorms every ten minutes, and being neither warm nor cold nor comfortable. Could whoever is responsible sort it out, please.2) Telly is crap. All of it.3) I want to eat cheese on toast and chocolate biscuits but because I am fat and want to be less so before we have our

Late, as usual

2007-07-05T18:22:00.000+01:00

It was never like that in my day. I know I'm a bit on the drag with this, but we're busy people. We recorded all the BBC coverage of Glastonbury 2007 and have been catching up with it over the last few nights, to get us in the mood for our own festival hollybobs in a month's time. Now, much as I love the idea of Glastonbury, it's really not for me these days. I went back in 1995, and the ticket

In Which I Ramble On Forever

2007-07-03T19:10:00.000+01:00

It's always the same. Every time I end up doing a meme I am compelled to preface it with the disclaimer that I don't usually do memes.And I don't, not usually. But, like everyone else who deosn't really do them, I do acknowledge how useful they are in the complete and utter absence of a single idea. And, since ideas are few and far between these days*, I was delighted to receive some rather

Warning! Gynaecology!

2007-06-28T16:51:00.000+01:00

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.I’ve never been one of those naked ladies in the swimming-pool changing rooms, enthusiastically towelling my crotch while discussing how best to grow organic runner beans with that nice lady from the wholefoods shop. The thought of being undressed in front of people fills me with horror. I’m just not that sort of girl.Which would go some way towards explaining

In which I miss an opportunity to stand up and be counted.

2007-06-26T19:43:00.000+01:00

Picture the scene. We're at my Dad's place for the weekend. Australian Sis (plus Kosovan Husband plus Bitey Devil Child*) are in the country for a week or so as part of their six-week European trip. Other family members drop in and out over the weekend and we're all enjoying catching up. Although I grew up with AS, we've nver really got on. There was a huge much-ado-about-nothing kerfuffle when

And, relax....

2007-06-21T16:47:00.000+01:00

So anyway. My new job.Obviously I can’t tell you anything about it. I’ll just say that it is utterly removed from my last job. In some ways this is a Good Thing. Other things I will miss.My last job was doing admin (impossibly glamorous, I know) at a residential school for children with social, emotional and behavioural difficulties. I want to start by underlining how fabulous the kids on site

Short, and Dull. Sorry.

2007-06-19T18:57:00.000+01:00

I haven't blogged for a week.I have two excuses though. First up, I started my new job yesterday. And, do you know what? It's exhausting. All that thinking, and working, and nobody trashing my desk and threatening to kill me. It's freaking me out. I think I like it though.Secondly, Mr Botogol over at Green Ideas recommended Human Traces by Sebastian Faulks and I love it so much I might just read

Same shit, different day

2007-06-12T19:17:00.000+01:00

If I'd been a full-on Yummy Mummy - all teeth and Boden - I'm sure I would have got a different reaction.As it was, because I have piercings and a couple of my tattoos were visible and I have some pink bits in my hair, when I spoke to the man holding the now-bloodstained white cloth, he recoiled as if I had attempted to steal his wallet.In fact, I was trying to genuinely thank him for compressing

Another post entitled "Arse".

2007-06-10T17:20:00.000+01:00

I am a twat. We had a fabulous day yesterday. A little bit of shopping in town, then a stroll through the park with an ice cream before heading home and bimbling off to the pub. It was a hot, sunny day and the prospect of beer and the papers was an enticing one.So enticing, in fact, that I completely failed to put any sunscreen on. I can't help it. I'm still not really up to speed with the

Shit off, losers.

2007-06-05T18:46:00.000+01:00

We are engaged in a Mexican standoff, my employers and I.I resigned on Friday, in writing, explaining that I was giving them two weeks' notice. I received a shitty letter on Saturday, informing me that, although they were accepting my resignation*, they "couldn't commit" to my leaving in just a fortnight. At this point they felt moved to inform me of my leaving date. So I wrote back,

Actually? Fuck you.

2007-06-01T18:08:00.000+01:00

For crying out loud.I am annoyed. I realise that this is not rare for me, but really, I am Very Annoyed. Let me explain (as if you care, but I need to vent and that’s what you’re there for).I ordered a CD, you see. I ordered it from Amazon. It’s a Buckcherry CD. Now, Buckcherry are not renowned for their, um, feminist principles. The song “Crazy Bitch” is proof enough of that. But I like a couple

A thought

2007-05-27T18:48:00.001+01:00

Ikea is only a good idea until you get there. At that point it turns unremittingly shit.It is a lot like "Great" Yarmouth in that respect.

Mortified

2007-05-23T17:33:00.000+01:00

So.There we were last week, in the queue at Weight Watchers.It’s an uncomfortable sort of atmosphere – everyone panicking about whether they’ve lost, or put on, or whether they should have eaten that entire Black Forest gateau* at the weekend. People try and sneak a look at other people’s cards, trying to see who weighs more. Nobody really talks to each other, unless they’re with someone they

Twinned with Waco, Texas

2007-05-21T19:30:00.000+01:00

This morning at nine o'clock, I unlocked the door to my office, walked in and, as is standard practice, locked the door behind me. Pausing only briefly to ascertain that the rear exit was still nailed and barred shut and therefore not an exit at all (and making a mental note to bollock Maintenance for the eleventieth time in a fortnight), I picked my way through the debris of the weekend to my

The one where I overuse "seven"

2007-05-15T20:10:00.000+01:00

Small Person turns seven next week. Seven!I don't quite understand how I came to be the parent of a seven-year-old. I mean, I understand the technical side (even as I am, as ever, slightly incredulous at the thought that the Ex and I ever did that). But, seven? No front teeth and obsessed with kittens and nearly ready for That Talk about, you know, the facts of life? Incredible.She's all sass and

Ready, Steady, Get Tae Fuck

2007-05-13T16:10:00.000+01:00

If there were a Top Trumps game of Annoying Celebrities, Ainsley Harriott would surely be the unbeatable card. The one that, when found in your dealt hand, causes a smile of satisfaction to briefly twist your mouth before you settle to the serious business of trouncing your oponent.Unctuous, patronising, obsequious, irritating, smug – there just aren’t enough Bad Adjectives to adequately

Look! Everyone! It's Sarah Beeny's Tits!!

2007-05-09T07:24:00.000+01:00

Since I am currently being visited by lots of people hoping for a glimpse of Sarah Beeny off of Property Ladder's ginormous norks, I thought I might as well indulge them for a second. See how low I've sunk. I remember the days when this used to be a proper blog etc, etc....For breast-obsessives everywhere. I hope your boss is walking behind you as this page loads. And, who knows? Maybe you'll get

The One Where Nobody Comments...

2007-05-06T20:35:00.000+01:00

..because really, this one's for me.Fall Out Boy. What's that all about? I mean, I'm not after a deconstruction of their lyrical direction, or anything. They're Mostly Harmless, as far as I can tell. Small Person is lobbying hard for a cd for her birthday, and as far as that goes we're all fine. If seven-year-olds are their target audience then they're bang on the money.What bothers me is the

Still haven't found what they're looking for..

2007-04-25T20:03:00.000+01:00

I don't get this Google indexing thing.I mean, for ages I got loads of hits from hapless people looking for all manner of weird and wonderful things (I like to think there's more of the wonderful and less of the weird on here, but I know I'm only fooling myself). For the last two or three months there's been a real drought and now, for some reason, the random Googlers are back with a

Where was I again?

2007-04-23T19:36:00.000+01:00

Hmm. Let's look at the evidence:People running across the roof of my office for most of the morning? Check!A water balloon fight that culminated in a hospitalisation, an arrest and lots of emergency-type-people in uniforms wandering around this afternoon? Check!Tears, recriminations and at least one person ending up fully clothed in a river? Check!Ending my working day in a bizarre hostage

Hypocrisy

2007-04-18T19:42:00.000+01:00

So. Counselling.I know. I bet you can’t wait for me to talk about myself some more. Hell, maybe I should just publish me some mis-lit* and have done with it.The thing about counselling is that it hurts. While on the one hand there’s a sort of validation that I have a right to be this fucked up, it’s also incredibly painful to sit and talk about how I feel. That’s the one thing I don’t do, you see

Preposterone

2007-04-12T18:32:00.000+01:00

Ah, another splendidly grown-up night out.We went to an excellent venue in our local-ish university town to see the one of our favourite bands, the incomparable Hayseed Dixie. It was all good, and since I'd been out on Tuesday night and put myself on the outside about a gallon of cheap white wine I was more than happy to drive.Well. I say happy.In fact, I was in a murderous, glowering mood, of

Impotent self-loathing on a stick. And rhinos.

2007-04-10T18:42:00.000+01:00

The older I get, the less I care.I mean, the less I care about important things. I should qualify. I care passionately, as I grow older, about things like my overdraft, and whether Tesco will have any hummous in next time, and other people's children annoying me in pubs, and whether I've gained a pound since yesterday, and why does my hair keep doing that thing, and how can we stop next door's

Nothing to see here...

2007-04-08T15:46:00.000+01:00

Do you ever wish you'd never started something?I am spending the afternoon googling leeks. I bought some on Wednesday, in a fit of Doing Proper Cooking. We are having roast chicken, with all the trimmings, and I thought it might be nice to have leeks. Which it probably would be, if I had any fucking idea at all about how to cook the fucking things. Boiling them seems wrong, somehow. Braising,

Conversations with my daughter

2007-04-03T16:31:00.000+01:00

So there we were, enjoying a sunshiny, blustery walk along the seafront at [local Seaside Town] in the company of Zanna, her two Small People and about a million grumpy-looking pensioners (a bit too bright, wasn’t it? Too cheerful. What’s wrong with some nice rain?), when the following exchange took place:Small Person (out of left field): Mummy, what does “gay” mean?Me (caught utterly off-guard):

And you wrote to The Times because....??

2007-04-01T16:28:00.000+01:00

Sir, Winston Fletcher's disappointment (letter, March 29) with web logs, or blogs, as they are irritatingly known, is well founded, in that the topics the authors normally choose to write about are mundane and of little interest to anyone but themselves. The matter is exacerbated by those who have a poor grasp of the written word and there is little wonder many make dull reading.Oh. I can see,

A lame post, for a change. Shut up.

2007-03-27T19:20:00.000+01:00

People, as I may have opined before in these pages, are pretty revolting.When I was small I used to bite my toenails*. Lots of small people eat their bogies - I have never done this and fail to comprehend why anyone would want to eat something they found in their nose, but to each their own and all that. When I was fifteen I had a friend** who loved nothing more in the summer than peeling long,

Three things

2007-03-19T18:54:00.000Z

1) The weather was warm. Now it isn’t. I am Displeased. Last week I put my big coat away in the spare wardrobe. Today, not only have I resentfully dragged it out again but I am also compelled to tuck my vest into my pants* in order to keep warm on the way to, and at, work. This is not a welcome turn of events.2) My job is, by degrees, turning into an episode of Dallas. I have not yet worked out

Poem

2007-03-08T17:27:00.000Z

Girl in the off-licence where I stop on a Thursday after work to buy some fags,Why do you smell so bad?On first glance you seem personable.Your demeanour is cheery,Your hair seems cleanYet you smell.Your clothes seem fresh, pressed,But your hands are rimed with a film of dirt,A film the grey of callous pavement beneath the trainer of a hooded youthIn Blair's Britain.I wonder about you.I wonder

Me, me, me...

2007-03-07T19:49:00.000Z

I had my first session with my counsellor today.She is confident that she can mend me. She also told me it was okay for me to hate my mother. Hell, by the end of the session I'm fairly sure she hated my mother.I think we're going to get along just fine.

Crouching Surly, Hidden Gay Best Friend

2007-03-04T17:02:00.000Z

At about a quarter to eight yesterday morning I kissed a snoozing Other Half, replaced the batteries in my torch and sped off to collect my GBF. It was exploring time again. Our favourite derelict mental asylum is not long for this world. According to the massive signs on the outskirts of the site, the whole place is up for sale. According to the lovely people at Any Question Answered the site

How come it never rains...

2007-02-27T19:52:00.000Z

.... it only pours*.We had a meeting this afternoon with the Grand High Chief Poobah of our organisation. Lots of pontificating and talking round the real issue…which is, in a nutshell, that the location I work at is closing.It was on the cards really – anywhere that costs £1200 per month just to heat is never really going to be financially viable. Factor in the lighting, the council tax, the

Tell me about your childhood...

2007-02-22T18:13:00.000Z

Well, I did it.I sat in the waiting room and I waited and I waited and I waited. I waited for forty five minutes. And I thought more than once about just legging it. But I didn’t. And* the doctor called me through and through I went.He asked me what he could do for me. I can only assume that, as I stuttered and sobbed and wobbled through the next ten minutes, he rather wished he hadn’t. I got

Another one of THOSE posts

2007-02-20T19:01:00.000Z

I am tired.Whether this is due to lack of sleep, the rubbish weather or the stultifying course I was compelled to sit through this afternoon is a matter of conjecture.I don’t sleep very well at the best of times. For the last few nights my sleep has been broken by a variety of weird and terrifying dreams – not of monsters and chasing and your average nightmare fodder, but rather of feelings and

Grrraaaaah

2007-02-18T19:22:00.000Z

Fucking, FUCKING blogger.Mind you, you should think yourselves lucky. Because I have just lost the post I spent the last hour writing, you have been spared a thousand words on how sorry for myself I am feeling.Fuck it.Fuck.

Home to roost.

2007-02-12T19:25:00.000Z

When I started this blog back in April 2005 it was, in part, a form of therapy.As time has gone on I've lost sight of this. And, for someone like me, that can never be a good thing. I need an outlet. I forgot about the one I have here. For the last little while I have been heading for a fall.That fall came this weekend. I am now considering the way back. Old Nietzsche, he had all that guff about

Evil, evil snow

2007-02-08T18:26:00.000Z

The journey to school and work this morning was a nightmare.This country is ridiculous. We have had, at the most, an inch and a half of snow. You would be forgiven, however, for assuming that the end of the world had just been announced (chirpily) by Fiona Phillips on GMTV. It was like a festive apocalypse out there.The walk to school wasn’t so bad. The main obstacles were small, awestruck

Gas mask! Stat!

2007-02-06T20:08:00.000Z

See? How creepy is that? And yes, Bill Door (in the comments on the last post), we did get told the story about how Resusc Annie is lovingly based on the death mask of a dead girl dragged from the Seine. Mmmm. Corpse doll*. Sweet. Let me kiss it now.Actually, snogging the rubber equivalent of Nosferatu wasn't even the worst bit. The worst bit (burping course-leader, freezing bogs and substandard

Things that annoy me, # 537134

2007-02-04T18:21:00.000Z

I have to go on a first aid course on Tuesday. This is making me sulk.I loathe training courses. I can't bear the enforced jollity, the uncomfortable silences or the evaluation sheets at the end, where everybody just says how great it all was when in fact it was shit*. I hate the bit where you have to get in groups and write bullet points on bits of flipchart paper with a dry felt tip. I hate

I could be urple*, I could be purple....

2007-02-02T13:56:00.000Z

I don't want to love Mika, but I do. Why? (And how creepy is that little girl?)Discuss. * What is he saying? What?

Notes for my colleague

2007-01-31T19:04:00.000Z

1) I am not remotely interested in your health. Not even a bit. I don't care about whether or not you might or might not be coming down with a cold. I'm not bothered about how tired you are, or that you have a headache. Also, in light of my indifference to your Life Threatening Heart Condition* (that you will not shut up about, despite nobody caring), are you really surprised that offering to

Conversations with my daughter

2007-01-29T18:51:00.000Z

Small Person is, frankly, pretty horrible at the moment*.She's on a two-week sticker chart project to earn a scooter. This is in no small part due the fact that we are entirely sick of having a thirteen-year old girl in a six-year old body mooching and stropping around the place. I despair. Where once were smiles and capitulation, now are only glares and huffs and withering, pitying looks. I am

A gap in the market?

2007-01-26T17:33:00.000Z

Sometimes I scare myself.There was a conversation in the office this afternoon about static electricity. This, in turn, led to one of those ooh-I-remember-that! discussions about physics lessons at school. Now, I don’t really get physics. I mean, I don’t understand why I need to know about things. The world just sort of works – I don’t need to know how.The national curriculum and I didn’t see

Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary...

2007-01-24T19:07:00.000Z

It's well known that I don't like people.However, I feel I should point out that this isn't some vague dislike on the basis of personality. No. When it comes to misanthropy I am something of a completist. I don't like anything about the population in general*.People are, generally, horrible. They get in your way. They talk at you, and give you their opinions whether you want them or not. They

High School Shitfest

2007-01-21T18:32:00.000Z

I feel dirty.It's generally accepted that films for children are rubbish. For years, adults have winced through endless crap animations and horrid musicals, with little or no chance of spotting a redeeming feature. In the last few years, however, the genre has taken a turn for the slightly-better, with a fair amount of sly-wink grownup humour among the greatly improved animations. Musicals,

Oh, good. Another one about my mother.

2007-01-18T18:34:00.000Z

Apologies in advance for length.I’ve been studiously avoiding my mother since Christmas. This makes me both very happy (no mother! Woo!) and slightly guilty (Fifi Sis gets all the gubbins. Boo). However, mother has now thrown a large spanner in the works by instigating (potentially) her own financial downfall, and wanting to discuss it in detail with everyone.A bit of background for anyone who’s

Sharing the love

2007-01-16T19:02:00.000Z

I am poorly ill.This, of course, means that I am in the mood to be kind to people* (in the same way that when I am well I am mean). So, your mission is this (and there's no choosing to accept it - I demand that you do as I say, whether you like it or not) :It's easy. You just go over to the top right-hand corner under my avatar, and view my complete profile. Once you're there, pick something.

Dear Surly....

2007-01-14T17:21:00.000Z

...I sprayed my wife's parrot with deodorant to make him ill just so I could get her back home. I'm 32 and my wife is 30. She left me two months ago, taking my nine-year-old son with her. I'd been drinking too much. I treated her like dirt and forgot her 30th birthday. I didn't desire her sexually either. But I hated the house being empty. I tried flowers and an "I love you" sign at the end of

Apparently it IS rocket science

2007-01-12T13:26:00.000Z

One of the things that drives me demented about the office I work in is the through traffic.On any given day, at any time, someone who is not part of the office team will come in to do some admin work. As far as they are concerned, anything more technical than a calculator is to be treated with extreme caution, and must not be operated without establishing the correct procedure. This procedure is

It's always the quiet ones

2007-01-08T16:00:00.000Z

Ideas-wise, there’s been a bit of a drought, really.I’ve started and discarded a number of posts over the last couple of days, ranging from such exciting topics as I Have Not Smoked Any Fags For Nine Days, to I Am Very Fat And Despite Trying To Cut Back I Am Still Getting Fatter. All of it dull, all of it worthy of a nine-year old returning to school after the Christmas break and stretching What

I'm with stupid.

2007-01-04T18:07:00.000Z

Small Person had her first day at her new school today.The last three weeks have been a flurry of buying new uniform, sorting out before-and-after-school clubs, filling in forms and battling with the Ex over how he can't do his school run mornings any more because the new school is "too far" from his house. Quite how he has arrived at this conclusion is waaaay beyond me - the old school was ten

Bleurgh

2007-01-02T20:13:00.000Z

So, that's christmas over for another year.My stomach cries a hearty "thank fuck for that". I swear, I've eaten so much over the festive period I'm amazed I still fit through doorways. I have eaten, and eaten, and eaten some more. I have eaten turkey and cheese and christmas pudding and apple and blackberry pie and Quality Street (in the thousands) and roast beef and some more cheese and french

New beginnings..

2006-12-28T17:58:00.000Z

Come and sit down for a minute, said the Other Half. I want to talk to you.It was about nine o’clock on Christmas morning. Fuck, I thought. He’s going to leave me. On Christmas day! He’s never sat me down to have a talk before. What on earth can have happened? Nervously I made my way to the sofa and awaited my fate.We’ve talked about this before, he said. You’ve always said that a girl likes to

Season's Bleatings

2006-12-18T19:31:00.000Z

So, kids. It's that time of year again. Here at Surly Towers the preparations are in full swing. Well, I've bought a turkey. And some Pringles. So we're all set, pretty much. I get to see Small Person on christmas day this year, which pleases me no end. Then it's lunch with Mother on Boxing Day, and off to Fifi Sis' that evening (sans Mother. Woo!) for karaoke and much silliness. Hurray!The

Cup of tea, Mr Herriot?

2006-12-14T18:12:00.000Z

Once again, I am confused.Now, I know this is pretty much standard operating procedure round these part. Life in general confuses me. But hear me out.I didn’t arrive at work until this afternoon, which in turn delayed my usual browsing-the-news-while-pretending-to-be-working routine. It wasn’t until nearly lunchtime that I happened across this frankly astonishing story. I just don’t know where to

Crazy talk

2006-12-12T19:15:00.000Z

I swear, the world has gone mad.Let's look at the evidence.Kerry Katona, despite being a pudgy crack-whore (how does she do that? what's her secret? Is she mainlining golden syrup on the side?) who has recently been shopped to social services after being outed by her own mother in the tabloid press, and who is about to marry a thieving drug dealer, is still the advertisers' favourite; touting

Um, no?

2006-12-10T17:32:00.000Z

So anyway, I ordered this watch online.It's just a bog-standard Casio cheap shitty running watch. I figure that if I actually get a new one, it might give me the impetus to stop smoking, start the running again and stop the gradual descent into walrus that I am currently in the grip of. I hate shopping in Real Life, so online is the place for me.I ordered this watch on 27th November. By December

Memememememe.

2006-12-06T17:25:00.000Z

Thanks to the lovely Arabella, I don't have to think of anything to post about today. I don't normally do memes*, but, you know, what with it being Wednesday and all.1) If my shoes don't match my handbag....I am confused. Why do I have a handbag? I don't do handbags, unless I am somewhere posh that demands I hide my fags and tampons and I do not have any pockets. I am more of a giant cavernous

Hot action here

2006-12-04T19:35:00.000Z

Whenever I heat up baked beans, I get to thinking about how they end up hot.Ohhh, yes! I think to myself, when the heat hits the beans it agitates the molecules and that's how the beans get hot. Now, I have no idea at all whether this is even true. For all I know I have totally made it up. Actually writing it down now, it seems a little implausible to me. And I never think it at any other time,

Woo. Yay. Etc.

2006-11-30T22:51:00.000Z

So, this is my 300th post.I was going to demand comments. You know the drill - everyone says hello, lurkers delurk, people say where they got here from. All that important stuff. And then something happened this evening that put the whole fucking thing into perspective.Small Person stays with her grandma on a Wednesday. On a Thursday and Friday the Ex picks her up from school and she stays with

Swings, roundabouts, etc

2006-11-28T19:16:00.000Z

It's the most wonderful time of the year.Not christmas, you understand. No. Christmas is stress, and buying turkeys, and finding the time to put the christmas tree up, and explaining to everyone you know that, actually, you think christmas cards are a total waste of time and money (but thanks for theirs, obviously). It's people piling into Tesco at 5am to buy sprouts and Matchmakers and pork pies

Important Safety Announcement

2006-11-26T15:42:00.000Z

To all drivers:Over the last twenty years or so, as technology, brakes, tyres and, well, cars in general have developed and become more advanced and much safer than they used to be, it has become apparent that puddles of rainwater on the public highways have become Very Dangerous Indeed and, as such, must be avoided at all costs.If you find yourself driving in wet conditions, please remember that

Unjustified bitching

2006-11-24T18:47:00.000Z

The Other Half observed this evening that I don't rant about work nearly so much now I've changed jobs.It's sort of true, you know. I love my job. I really like most of the people I interact with on a daily basis, even though some of them tell me to fuck off and then try and steal my car keys. However, everything in the garden is not rosy.I sort of half considered telling you about my "colleague"

Point or no point?

2006-11-21T19:10:00.000Z

I think I ought to rename this blog "Things I Don't Get".To the seemingly endless list (Jordan's relationship advice, people who wear Crocs, why nobody has realised yet that Mariah Carey is a female impersonator from Barnsley), I can now officially add Noel Edmonds. More specifically, Noel Edmonds and the teatime rollercoaster that is Deal or No Deal.Seriously. I don't get it. I mean, the premise

Party hearty...

2006-11-19T20:04:00.000Z

It's been a pretty good week, all in all. We flew down to Newquay on Tuesday evening. The plane didn't crash, and vodka was two-for-one from the inflight bar. Result!The hotel was incredible, and was priced accordingly. Having offered a competetive rate for a midweek break, they proceeded to compensate by jacking the prices sky high. So we spent most of our time sitting in the Red Lion pub

D-Flat Chime Bar

Good lord.

o rly? *

Wrongest. Suggestion. Ever.

(I Need a) Caffeine Bomb...

I've sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit.

Eh?

Urk.

Things that make me itch..

Outrage! Outrage! Outrage!!!!1!

Six Things

*waves*

New Beginnings

Surly Reviews: I Am Legend*

Here I am!

Nurse, the screens!

Me me me.

Overheard in (my) Office...

Desperately Seeking..

Kill me now.

Poorly

Announcement

Overheard on the Tube..

Keep it Fluffy

Progress

To summarise:

Apologies for length

Opinion: Author's Own

Surly's Little Helper

In which nothing happens

Mentalism

Why Snopes should be mandatory

In which I make a slightly dull return

It's not my fault....

Intermission

Shit off, Potter

In which I justify my pseudonym

Late, as usual

In Which I Ramble On Forever

Warning! Gynaecology!

In which I miss an opportunity to stand up and be counted.

And, relax....

Short, and Dull. Sorry.

Same shit, different day

Another post entitled "Arse".

Shit off, losers.

Actually? Fuck you.

A thought

Mortified

Twinned with Waco, Texas

The one where I overuse "seven"

Ready, Steady, Get Tae Fuck

Look! Everyone! It's Sarah Beeny's Tits!!

The One Where Nobody Comments...

Still haven't found what they're looking for..

Where was I again?

Hypocrisy

Preposterone

Impotent self-loathing on a stick. And rhinos.

Nothing to see here...

Conversations with my daughter

And you wrote to The Times because....??

A lame post, for a change. Shut up.

Three things

Poem

Me, me, me...

Crouching Surly, Hidden Gay Best Friend

How come it never rains...

Tell me about your childhood...

Another one of THOSE posts

Grrraaaaah

Home to roost.

Evil, evil snow

Gas mask! Stat!

Things that annoy me, # 537134

I could be urple*, I could be purple....

Notes for my colleague

Conversations with my daughter

A gap in the market?

Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary...

waves